Venting I have suicide in my back pocket in case I need it.

[pharmacoepia]

Hey. This is my first time making a thread about this. Just a vent post.

I mainly "recovered" from suicidal ideation in 2019. While I am not actively suicidal, I am passively suicidal.

My life is a weird trip. I've been diagnosed with OCD, and I heavily suspect that I may be schizotypal (mostly positive symptoms of psychosis, thank god no apathy.)

I know that if I need to commit suicide, I have it in my back pocket. I'd get some SN or some sort of sedative, and overdose on it if needed. I don't have any current plans, but it's in the back of my mind.

It's quite comforting, actually. Knowing that if I have to face life in prison for a hypothetical crime, or just struggling through major debt, I can find a way out if no other option exists.

I have essentially accepted that what happens after death is out of my control. Plus, most theories about the afterlife are religious dogma that hasn't been proven yet. I like to think it's what happens before your born; nothing. I really hope it's either nothing or heaven.

But for now, I have no active plans to CBT unless a situation that is impossible to get out of occurs. I'm not choosing to experience that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would feel comforted by the thought of suicide, I think that having the option of a reliable way to die would make existing more bearable for people knowing that they aren't trapped here. I think that having the option of suicide is essential as life can get much worse beyond how we even can imagine, there is no limit for how much we can suffer in this world.

 

[letsalllovelain:3]

Hi Pharma. I think I can relate to your problems pretty much on the same level as you. Not all of them though (I don't have OCD for example, but I do suffer from autism)
And as much as I think I'm also pretty much passive about CBT, I wouldn't mind commiting. Life is sometimes just too cruel for existing itself. And I also slightly believe in reincarnation, but I don't want to reincarnate myself. (I have heard that if you truly don't want to reincarnate, that means your soul has been through everything it had to go and you simply won't do it. At least that's what I remember, don't take my words 100% to your heart)
And yeah, I pretty much also hope it's nothing. If there is hell, then I don't know what to think about it since this world feels like hell itself already.

 

[BlackWednesday]

I think you might be underestimating how difficult it is to actually commit suicide whenever you want. For example, you talk about getting SN but what if it's no longer available at the time you want to CTB? If you end up in a situation where you might be facing prison you might not have access to any easy CTB methods if you're in custody.

Don't take it for granted that suicide is always an option or some get out of jail free card

 

[TAW122]

I can relate to the thoughts of having a 'way out' should things become unbearable. Also, like others have stated here, CTB is not always something that is accessible either due to accessibility of (peaceful, reliable, or both) methods, overriding/overcoming one's own SI, or being in the right environment (not being monitored or detained) to execute it. Nonetheless, I hope you are able to secure your exit and be able to have it when you wish to go (in the future).

 

[SilentSadness]

If only it were that simple, I'd love to just "acquire SN" and die there and then. Sadly, ctb is unnecessarily hard in this world due to spiteful and delusional people. I hope you find the freedom you speak of.

 

[pharmacoepia]

Hi Pharma. I think I can relate to your problems pretty much on the same level as you. Not all of them though (I don't have OCD for example, but I do suffer from autism)
And as much as I think I'm also pretty much passive about CBT, I wouldn't mind commiting. Life is sometimes just too cruel for existing itself. And I also slightly believe in reincarnation, but I don't want to reincarnate myself. (I have heard that if you truly don't want to reincarnate, that means your soul has been through everything it had to go and you simply won't do it. At least that's what I remember, don't take my words 100% to your heart)
And yeah, I pretty much also hope it's nothing. If there is hell, then I don't know what to think about it since this world feels like hell itself already.

I have been officially diagnosed with autism before, but my current psychs heavily suspect a misdiagnosis and think I might be more on the schizotypal side due to my "odd thinking" and various ESP.

Still, nice to have a neurodivergent brother.

I think you might be underestimating how difficult it is to actually commit suicide whenever you want. For example, you talk about getting SN but what if it's no longer available at the time you want to CTB? If you end up in a situation where you might be facing prison you might not have access to any easy CTB methods if you're in custody.

Don't take it for granted that suicide is always an option or some get out of jail free card

I can relate to the thoughts of having a 'way out' should things become unbearable. Also, like others have stated here, CTB is not always something that is accessible either due to accessibility of (peaceful, reliable, or both) methods, overriding/overcoming one's own SI, or being in the right environment (not being monitored or detained) to execute it. Nonetheless, I hope you are able to secure your exit and be able to have it when you wish to go (in the future).

If only it were that simple, I'd love to just "acquire SN" and die there and then. Sadly, ctb is unnecessarily hard in this world due to spiteful and delusional people. I hope you find the freedom you speak of.

SN won't be banned, I hope. It's too vital for the meat curing industry. If it is banned, then I have a million other ways up my sleeve. I don't have any plans right now, so it''s not like I have pills with grams of SN in my pocket at any moment. If I need to CTB, then it will probably be strategically planned out to maximize the chance of success. I'm not a quitter.