zomboid
Member
- Mar 4, 2023
- 11
I don't know why I'm in a bad headspace. I take anti depressant and go to therapy so I should feel better but I dont? I just got a job, I'm working on getting my GED, I'm graduating soon yet I feel like complete shit. I've been self harming and my eating disorder has gotten so much worse at this point I don't know if any of it is worth it anymore because I'll get into the same routine but with a job. Sleep, work, isolate on my computer, repeat.
My dad constantly makes fun of me, refuses to get past his political believes to support me in my transition. I dont even have enough money to start T. I'm broke, living with my dad, addicted to weed and cutting myself like a fucking looser. I can't talk about this with my boyfriend because it'll trigger him and he'll fucking leave again. I don't even know how to talk about it without almost bragging about how shit I feel, how sick I am. Maybe thats why im on this forum in the first place, its a place where i can show off how sick I am like its a trophy and get validation from anons online. How fucked is that. I feel like I'm in jail, I have no freedoms anymore, my dad controls everything even though I'm almost an adult. I fucking hate my homelife even though I have no reason to. My dad feeds me, he doesn't hit me, by all intensive purposes I have a decent live but it doesnt feel like it. I have no idea how to get it to end other than to CTB, but I'm to scared of death to even actually try.
I'm so paranoid, all the time. I feel like people are watching what I do online to the point I only use incognito mode to browse like thatll do anything. I cover my webcam because I think people watch me through it. I feel like people who are close to me want to hurt me on purpose physically or mentally. And sometimes i even want them to hurt me to fulfil some sick desire I have to be not ok on a constant basis. I hear shit that doesnt exist, I feel shit that doesnt exist, I use crystals to negate negativity I feel but it never works. I distract myself by dissociating and putting myself into a fantasy land online because i somehow convinced myself its so much better than reality. I don't want to die, I just want to disapear. I find comfort in liminal spaces because i want to go to those places, glitch into the backrooms and be alone. Dissapear into thin air into some fantasy world with nestolgia and bright colors. God fuck I hate myself so fucking much. I'm so dizzy. I just want to sleep and live in a dream world forever.
My dad constantly makes fun of me, refuses to get past his political believes to support me in my transition. I dont even have enough money to start T. I'm broke, living with my dad, addicted to weed and cutting myself like a fucking looser. I can't talk about this with my boyfriend because it'll trigger him and he'll fucking leave again. I don't even know how to talk about it without almost bragging about how shit I feel, how sick I am. Maybe thats why im on this forum in the first place, its a place where i can show off how sick I am like its a trophy and get validation from anons online. How fucked is that. I feel like I'm in jail, I have no freedoms anymore, my dad controls everything even though I'm almost an adult. I fucking hate my homelife even though I have no reason to. My dad feeds me, he doesn't hit me, by all intensive purposes I have a decent live but it doesnt feel like it. I have no idea how to get it to end other than to CTB, but I'm to scared of death to even actually try.
I'm so paranoid, all the time. I feel like people are watching what I do online to the point I only use incognito mode to browse like thatll do anything. I cover my webcam because I think people watch me through it. I feel like people who are close to me want to hurt me on purpose physically or mentally. And sometimes i even want them to hurt me to fulfil some sick desire I have to be not ok on a constant basis. I hear shit that doesnt exist, I feel shit that doesnt exist, I use crystals to negate negativity I feel but it never works. I distract myself by dissociating and putting myself into a fantasy land online because i somehow convinced myself its so much better than reality. I don't want to die, I just want to disapear. I find comfort in liminal spaces because i want to go to those places, glitch into the backrooms and be alone. Dissapear into thin air into some fantasy world with nestolgia and bright colors. God fuck I hate myself so fucking much. I'm so dizzy. I just want to sleep and live in a dream world forever.
