saringceiling
Complaining is not enough anymore
- Mar 13, 2023
- 25
Hey everyone,
It's nice to be here and talk to you guys. I post this thread because I feel really defeated. My life is plagued by a disfunctional family, lots of trauma and my inability to function in this society. I am scared of working, I am scared of going outside. I have lost all my passion for my art while I went to this gamedesign academy 2019 to 2021. They scammed us and abused the dreams of young people. I got good grades and everything and I loved drawing, 3D Modeling and writing but now I have nothing left. I can't even pick up my pen anymore because I immediately get this feeling in my chest. I don't even know what it is because everyone tells me it will pass. "I will get over it.". Every passion I had left my body and now I can only play video games and rot away and people just wave it off and say "Yea it will get better, just uhh try to draw."
I really tried to find a job and move away from my family due to them abusing me as their coping-mechanism. I protected my siblings all my life for them to be manipulated by my mother and turn against me, telling me how ungrateful I am. My mother uses me to feel better about herself and throws her issues onto me. Insulting me and making fun of me when I am unable to do things properly. I am neurodivergent with clinical depression. I counted on my big brother to help me find a job over at their place (7-8 hours away from my family), but it was only about making himself look good and he still didn't do anything. I am so sick and tired of how posing and fake people are because he literally let me fall down the cliff when I was begging him to please just pull this one time. My mother of course used that against me, telling me how incapable I am, how I am using other people for my cause, how toxic I am and how she already knew all of this stuff when she was my age, how she had children, how she build a house, how she had 20 jobs……… I get it. I really wanted to ctb in that moment. I really wanna ctb after years of steady recovery.
I tried to CTB multiple times but it's been 5 years since my last try by hanging. The rope broke, it was really embarrassing. My mother threw me into a clinic and I had to sit there with little children that were 6-9 and overworked doctors that wanted to blame me for my issues. I was 14 during that time. Greetings go out to the psychologist tho, they were really nice and got me out of there. Still am super grateful about that.
So now I sat there, alcohol problem, taking drugs and addicted to smoking since I was 12. I somehow survived longer than I thought and I have to admit I really thought it would get better when we moved away and I had the chance to visit this school in 2019. Making my dreams come true blablabla. Yea the pandemic hit. We lost 2 years of our lives, some lost their life's involuntarily. F*ck it all. I hate it. I really hate it.
Now in 2023 I have found my partner and I am forever grateful for them but I feel like such a burden. I can't do sh*t, i can't find a Job, I can't wake up in the morning and they say they understand but my partner is not depressed. Thank god. I can't talk to them about this stuff because they are really sensitive and I just can't do that to them. They also have a shit family but they are free. They are cold and distant to topics that would make me wanna ctb. But they are still so cute and caring. It's the perfect mixture for this planet. They work in the career they wanted. They use their skills in a productive manner. I am so proud of them. I wish I could give them the same and make sure they are happy on this hellspawn of a planet. I even stopped smoking for them and me ofc but I just I don't even know how to say it because I have not been feeling this way in years.
I have ruined my life and I don't have any goals for the future. Whenever I set myself one I can't go through with it. I have no passion, nothing that makes me feel alive except for seeing my partner smile. I am a husk of what I was. I didn't feel good in years and I don't know what does. I try to be part of things but I have no friends. I really only have my partner and people that sometimes resurface if they need something. I am exhausted and I don't even wanna grow old on this scary planet. Everywhere you go is evil and trusting people is scary. I can't ctb rn, I could not do this to my partner but I am really close to SH again. Didn't do that either in years. It's bad, really bad.
Thank you for reading and sorry for my rambling I just can't say that stuff to anyone in my circle. I probably also forgot stuff but thank you for giving me this platform. Stay safe and peace
It's nice to be here and talk to you guys. I post this thread because I feel really defeated. My life is plagued by a disfunctional family, lots of trauma and my inability to function in this society. I am scared of working, I am scared of going outside. I have lost all my passion for my art while I went to this gamedesign academy 2019 to 2021. They scammed us and abused the dreams of young people. I got good grades and everything and I loved drawing, 3D Modeling and writing but now I have nothing left. I can't even pick up my pen anymore because I immediately get this feeling in my chest. I don't even know what it is because everyone tells me it will pass. "I will get over it.". Every passion I had left my body and now I can only play video games and rot away and people just wave it off and say "Yea it will get better, just uhh try to draw."
I really tried to find a job and move away from my family due to them abusing me as their coping-mechanism. I protected my siblings all my life for them to be manipulated by my mother and turn against me, telling me how ungrateful I am. My mother uses me to feel better about herself and throws her issues onto me. Insulting me and making fun of me when I am unable to do things properly. I am neurodivergent with clinical depression. I counted on my big brother to help me find a job over at their place (7-8 hours away from my family), but it was only about making himself look good and he still didn't do anything. I am so sick and tired of how posing and fake people are because he literally let me fall down the cliff when I was begging him to please just pull this one time. My mother of course used that against me, telling me how incapable I am, how I am using other people for my cause, how toxic I am and how she already knew all of this stuff when she was my age, how she had children, how she build a house, how she had 20 jobs……… I get it. I really wanted to ctb in that moment. I really wanna ctb after years of steady recovery.
I tried to CTB multiple times but it's been 5 years since my last try by hanging. The rope broke, it was really embarrassing. My mother threw me into a clinic and I had to sit there with little children that were 6-9 and overworked doctors that wanted to blame me for my issues. I was 14 during that time. Greetings go out to the psychologist tho, they were really nice and got me out of there. Still am super grateful about that.
So now I sat there, alcohol problem, taking drugs and addicted to smoking since I was 12. I somehow survived longer than I thought and I have to admit I really thought it would get better when we moved away and I had the chance to visit this school in 2019. Making my dreams come true blablabla. Yea the pandemic hit. We lost 2 years of our lives, some lost their life's involuntarily. F*ck it all. I hate it. I really hate it.
Now in 2023 I have found my partner and I am forever grateful for them but I feel like such a burden. I can't do sh*t, i can't find a Job, I can't wake up in the morning and they say they understand but my partner is not depressed. Thank god. I can't talk to them about this stuff because they are really sensitive and I just can't do that to them. They also have a shit family but they are free. They are cold and distant to topics that would make me wanna ctb. But they are still so cute and caring. It's the perfect mixture for this planet. They work in the career they wanted. They use their skills in a productive manner. I am so proud of them. I wish I could give them the same and make sure they are happy on this hellspawn of a planet. I even stopped smoking for them and me ofc but I just I don't even know how to say it because I have not been feeling this way in years.
I have ruined my life and I don't have any goals for the future. Whenever I set myself one I can't go through with it. I have no passion, nothing that makes me feel alive except for seeing my partner smile. I am a husk of what I was. I didn't feel good in years and I don't know what does. I try to be part of things but I have no friends. I really only have my partner and people that sometimes resurface if they need something. I am exhausted and I don't even wanna grow old on this scary planet. Everywhere you go is evil and trusting people is scary. I can't ctb rn, I could not do this to my partner but I am really close to SH again. Didn't do that either in years. It's bad, really bad.
Thank you for reading and sorry for my rambling I just can't say that stuff to anyone in my circle. I probably also forgot stuff but thank you for giving me this platform. Stay safe and peace
