fountainhead
Member
- Mar 26, 2023
- 9
I can't express myself clearly anymore. The longer I sustain myself the more numb I have become. People ask what's wrong but no reason will make them understand and no logical explanation will provide me with relief. I could surely dig around for reasons?
I am less and less verbal throughout the years. There is no such thing as "venting". It just feels like a basic conversation. We should just be talking about the weather cause I feel no different. Even if people wanted to hear my problems; Their love is artificial and words are generic. Sharing my pain and suffering with others just give them the opportunity to share their story. Humans constantly try to relate. It's hard to want to hear people's stories when you have been ignored most of your life. I want to be petty and angry. I wish I could simplify things the way they do.
It has been one year since my last attempt to CTB. SN got found by my S.O. several months ago but it doesn't matter. I lost my license so getting out and about on my own has been tough. Stopped taking my seizure medications with the hopes of inducing a fatal seizure. She is oblivious for the most part. Focused on her own problems like everyone else. I am selfish, I am confused, and I am hurting so fucking much. I wish people understood and that I could understand. I sleep 8 hours a night, have self care (whatever that means..) , have social relationships, and a decent job. I followed the recipe for balance/happiness and for what? I was told I just had to wait and then it would get better. I don't think I can wait any longer. These things did not help and they were simply for others gains. Societal pressures. My pain has gotten worse through the years. My story is long but this post is short.
Please don't expect responses. I am not generally kind to respond. Even kind words just push me farther away. I am disgusting. I am giving myself the permission to die. I need to take initiative.
Best of luck.
I am less and less verbal throughout the years. There is no such thing as "venting". It just feels like a basic conversation. We should just be talking about the weather cause I feel no different. Even if people wanted to hear my problems; Their love is artificial and words are generic. Sharing my pain and suffering with others just give them the opportunity to share their story. Humans constantly try to relate. It's hard to want to hear people's stories when you have been ignored most of your life. I want to be petty and angry. I wish I could simplify things the way they do.
It has been one year since my last attempt to CTB. SN got found by my S.O. several months ago but it doesn't matter. I lost my license so getting out and about on my own has been tough. Stopped taking my seizure medications with the hopes of inducing a fatal seizure. She is oblivious for the most part. Focused on her own problems like everyone else. I am selfish, I am confused, and I am hurting so fucking much. I wish people understood and that I could understand. I sleep 8 hours a night, have self care (whatever that means..) , have social relationships, and a decent job. I followed the recipe for balance/happiness and for what? I was told I just had to wait and then it would get better. I don't think I can wait any longer. These things did not help and they were simply for others gains. Societal pressures. My pain has gotten worse through the years. My story is long but this post is short.
Please don't expect responses. I am not generally kind to respond. Even kind words just push me farther away. I am disgusting. I am giving myself the permission to die. I need to take initiative.
Best of luck.
