I have nowhere to turn to

[SuicidalSheep]

Everyone keeps telling you to tell others and to get help but there's no actual ''help'' to speak of. Friends/family just get worried at best (or invalidate or can't handle it at worst) but nothing changes aside from bothering them and I don't feel enough connection with any of them anymore, Suicide hotlines are an absolute joke that just follow a shitty useless script within a limited system by volunteers with very little training, Psychiatrists permanently made things worse and then claimed their pills can't do that, therapists don't work and are only there briefly and since a while after corona I don't have access to them nor psychiatrists anymore, the social workers responsible for me aren't reliable at all, I'm just forced to either sit my time out (while having to constantly manage this body's health for no reason), or try to kill myself which hurts/involves survival instinct and risks me making things worse permanently. I could get turned into a fucking vegetable AND go through the pain. Also the only suicide method that doesn't scare the shit out of me for some reason, a shotgun, is not something I can get my hands on.

Every little thing in my life I do wrong. I can't even fucking sleep properly I keep waking up every half our with some shitty dream. I have nowhere to turn to and I don't belong anywhere nobody understands me and I feel like everyone else makes no sense. I live on an alien planet. Everyone keeps telling me it gets better but my life just gets objectively worse, which is scary to think about because I've seen other situations that are 20 times worse than mine yet I was already depressed when my life was great on paper. I say that in the past tense because I was already depressed as hell and then literally lost vision in one of my eyes due to bad luck genetics (and might lose the other one day, plus even with correction everything in the good eye looks small), and the SSRI meds made me feel more disconnected and dull than I did prior, and my body itself will just get worse from aging while the world around me goes to shit. That's all I have to show for holding on while my mental issues stay the damn same and I still fail miserably at living an independent modern life. The fact that people say there's ''help'' out there at all feels like rubbing fucking salt in the wound. It makes me resent them. I try to commit suicide but don't even come close and then these ''professional'' people come in and nothing changes, in fact, the people that came dismissed my problems right to my face and then left never to be heard of again. These people gave me a false sense of hope to cling onto but they're only busy with patting themselves on the back for the illusion that they can make things better while wasting a shitload of money. At least if I knew I was out on my own from the start I wouldn't be as frustrated. Then people have the fucking audacity to tell me I'm ''strong'' for holding on. I mean fuck no If there was a ''painless instant suicide button'' I'd have damn well pressed it already, it's suicide that's the hard part, y'all are acting like the only thing holding me back is hurting others (ironically, especially the people who made me without asking). If only it was that simple. Not that they actually care anyways. I just want some damn rest.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally cannot stand toxic positivity and platitudes, I think that some people will never be able to understand as they are not in a similar situation themselves. This life really is so horrible and unfair, I also do not see myself as being meant for this world. I understand having the fear of failure of ctb, that is the main thing that holds me back. It frustrates me how we were forced to exist and we have to endure this life, yet it is so difficult to leave. I wish you relief from suffering in whatever happens.

 

[The Abyss]

The contradictions kill me, when it comes to suicide you're selfish, weak, wasting ppls time but then on the other hand ppl care, you have so much to live for, you're worth it.

You have these half assed things in effect yet they won't give you easy ways out. It's like a limbo system.

 

[Hollowman]

I can relate to everything you wrote.

 

[outrider567]

Everyone keeps telling you to tell others and to get help but there's no actual ''help'' to speak of. Friends/family just get worried at best (or invalidate or can't handle it at worst) but nothing changes aside from bothering them and I don't feel enough connection with any of them anymore, Suicide hotlines are an absolute joke that just follow a shitty useless script within a limited system by volunteers with very little training, Psychiatrists permanently made things worse and then claimed their pills can't do that, therapists don't work and are only there briefly and since a while after corona I don't have access to them nor psychiatrists anymore, the social workers responsible for me aren't reliable at all, I'm just forced to either sit my time out (while having to constantly manage this body's health for no reason), or try to kill myself which hurts/involves survival instinct and risks me making things worse permanently. I could get turned into a fucking vegetable AND go through the pain. Also the only suicide method that doesn't scare the shit out of me for some reason, a shotgun, is not something I can get my hands on.

Every little thing in my life I do wrong. I can't even fucking sleep properly I keep waking up every half our with some shitty dream. I have nowhere to turn to and I don't belong anywhere nobody understands me and I feel like everyone else makes no sense. I live on an alien planet. Everyone keeps telling me it gets better but my life just gets objectively worse, which is scary to think about because I've seen other situations that are 20 times worse than mine yet I was already depressed when my life was great on paper. I say that in the past tense because I was already depressed as hell and then literally lost vision in one of my eyes due to bad luck genetics (and might lose the other one day, plus even with correction everything in the good eye looks small), and the SSRI meds made me feel more disconnected and dull than I did prior, and my body itself will just get worse from aging while the world around me goes to shit. That's all I have to show for holding on while my mental issues stay the damn same and I still fail miserably at living an independent modern life. The fact that people say there's ''help'' out there at all feels like rubbing fucking salt in the wound. It makes me resent them. I try to commit suicide but don't even come close and then these ''professional'' people come in and nothing changes, in fact, the people that came dismissed my problems right to my face and then left never to be heard of again. These people gave me a false sense of hope to cling onto but they're only busy with patting themselves on the back for the illusion that they can make things better while wasting a shitload of money. At least if I knew I was out on my own from the start I wouldn't be as frustrated. Then people have the fucking audacity to tell me I'm ''strong'' for holding on. I mean fuck no If there was a ''painless instant suicide button'' I'd have damn well pressed it already, it's suicide that's the hard part, y'all are acting like the only thing holding me back is hurting others (ironically, especially the people who made me without asking). If only it was that simple. Not that they actually care anyways. I just want some damn rest.

Yeah. my sleep has been pretty bad too, just 3 or 4 hours a night lately

 

[SuicidalSheep]

I personally cannot stand toxic positivity and platitudes, I think that some people will never be able to understand as they are not in a similar situation themselves. This life really is so horrible and unfair, I also do not see myself as being meant for this world. I understand having the fear of failure of ctb, that is the main thing that holds me back. It frustrates me how we were forced to exist and we have to endure this life, yet it is so difficult to leave. I wish you relief from suffering in whatever happens.

Sorry you're in a similar boat. I don't feel like I was made for this cruel place either. I feel fundamentally different from the others.

The contradictions kill me, when it comes to suicide you're selfish, weak, wasting ppls time but then on the other hand ppl care, you have so much to live for, you're worth it.

You have these half assed things in effect yet they won't give you easy ways out. It's like a limbo system.

It's a hypocritical contradiction that is always pointed on their favor.
It's like they force you to stay in purgatory without any relief for their own gains.