Venting I have no idea why I’m here

[strawberrylaces]

I've been suicidal since I was 11, my first attempt being when I was either 12 or 13. I've attempted multiple times since, my latest attempt being just over a year ago. I always joke that even as a baby I tried to get out of living because I was a week late, only being born when induced and even then I refused to breath until the midwife made me.

I'm only alive right now because of other people making me live. I love my close family, my mum, sister, grandparents and pet bunny are the best people in my life and I'm beyond grateful for them, but I wish they'd just let me die and that I could ctb without hurting them. After every attempt the worst thing was the look in their faces, the pain I put them through even though this isn't about them, I just need to be at peace.

I'm autistic and I absolutely hate it, It sounds terrible me saying that but genuinely if I was neurotypical I know for a fact I'd be happier, I freeze up in any and all social situations now and just awkwardly reply to questions with silence, I have weirdly intense eyes, I don't even understand when I'm being mocked and made fun of until years later when I'm high at 3am and see a random fucking tweet and put the pieces together.

I'm depressed, I've only left my house twice in the past 8 months or so, I shower less than I should, I do almost nothing but sit and distract myself all day.

I have anxiety, no friends whatsoever anymore and I don't even have the energy or the balls to attempt to talk to people, I've ghosted good friends and don't have the guts to talk to them again now, I can't even reply to strangers on socials anymore without overthinking it and feeling weird.

I've fell back into a deep pit of my depression purely over the thought/fear that I'm ugly (I know its stupid my brain is stupid lol) and these other things. Also my bio father hates me, I haven't spoken to him for over a year by choice but I still hear about him saying stuff about me behind my back. I haven't had any of the fun experiences people my age usually have, I'm a dropout.. blah blah blah I hate my life.

Anyway sorry for the rambling, my point is if things don't improve in any way whatsoever, by the end of the year, I'm ctb. I would now but my special interest show is releasing its final episode sometime in autumn and I need to see it before I leave lol. Apologies to anyone that reads this

 

[ChesterCopperpot]

what is your special interest show and how has it been so far? are you excited for the finale? tell me about it.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's certainly understandable just wishing for peace from everything, I get that it really can be so tiring feeling trapped here. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Jolene79]

A close loved one of mine is Autistic so I follow alot of people on FB who are Autistic advocates.i hate FB but have an anonymous account for discussing my health issues and connection with ND community. The sense of community on there can be really warming to me. If you were surrounded by other Autistic people who also happened to be like you and share similar interests, would it make a difference.

Life can be alot harder for Autistic people and it just isn't fair. I hope for a day where the tables turn tbh and more Autistic people come to the fore and start running the show. So sorry another young person feels so hopeless. I'm am oldie with severe health issues but feel alot of empathy for your struggles. I hope you find what you need here, whatever that may be.