Venting I have lost my friends and it is my fault

[slugcat]

Lately I have isolated myself due to mental issues.

At the end of 2023, I started uni and, for the first time in years, I socialised in a school context.
It went pretty okay, even though I came back every night feeling drained and alone. At least people were talking to me.
And I had people to talk to, even if it was only shallow interactions.
A few weeks after, I fell in a depressive phase again, apparently because my thyroid is dysfunctional.
I spent my days in bed sleeping or awake with no energy. Felling worthless because I wasn't accomplishing anything.
I was unable to do anything in these moments, even reach out to my friends.
This lead to me not communicating with them for extended periods of time.
And as the days passed, the unread messages piled up. People moved on. This has happened many times already.

I came back to uni yesterday (I had to), expecting a cold welcome but this was surprisingly worse.
All my "friends" pretty much ignored my presence, I said hello, they answered and turned back.
I tried to talk to them but they didn't pay much attention.
I am aware that my perception of people is heavily altered by my social anxiety. So its unlikely they acted as cold as I felt they did.
I was left alone at a table, and came home by myself. And the crushing feeling of failure just overtook me.

Its usually not too painful to be alone for me. As long as I don't see people together.
I went to school today and nothing changed. Iv even lost my closest friend iv had for two years.
And I know it is my fault. So I shouldn't act so surprised. I just don't wanna go outside anymore.

Sorry for this pointless vent, I just needed to get it out of my system.
Tomorrow, I'll have to go back there.
I think it would be easier if I didn't have to face people who one appreciated me at one point in time.
I don't know why this is affecting me so much.

Have a good evening

 

[Dingusguy]

I hope getting it out of your system at least provided some sort of relief, I feel bad for you after reading through that, it's not fun having things ruined due to a depressive phase.
I wish I could say things will be okay or that I know it will get better, but I don't know that. But I can say I hope they get better, I hope your friends speak to you again, or that maybe you get some new friends. No one deserves to be alone in this world.

 

[slugcat]

I hope getting it out of your system at least provided some sort of relief, I feel bad for you after reading through that, it's not fun having things ruined due to a depressive phase.
I wish I could say things will be okay or that I know it will get better, but I don't know that. But I can say I hope they get better, I hope your friends speak to you again, or that maybe you get some new friends. No one deserves to be alone in this world.

thank you for your reply. getting it out of my system did actually help. since I have had noone to talk to about the issues I am facing, it had become stagnant and incredibly painful. putting my words out there and feeling heard is so relieving :)

 

[Dingusguy]

thank you for your reply. getting it out of my system did actually help. since I have had noone to talk to about the issues I am facing, it had become stagnant and incredibly painful. putting my words out there and feeling heard is so relieving :)

Well it might not be much but you can feel free to shoot me a message and vent to me whenever you want, if that is something you want. I won't mind at all :)