Hello forum users,
I am not asking for help. In fact i am henceforth refusing all help. For the last 12 years I have seen numerous therapists, psychiatrists, attended thousands of 12 step meetings, have had AA and NA sponsors, attended inpatient and outpatient drug/mental illness treatment, have tried many medications, received ECT treatments, ... yada yada. A lot of it made a difference for sure during some of that time but at this point in my life those institutions can do no more for me. I've gotten all the help I can get, so nothing is news to me, and now my wellbeing is completely on me. Miracles don't happen to me. Nothing happens to me. I have to go out and make every single thing happen - make a friend, ask someone out, get a job, whatever. Nothing ever falls into my hands. I'm just mentioning that because "falling into the hands" seems to happen to plenty of people out there. They have a social circle or family who provide job connections, referrals, possible friends or girlfriends.
"Yeah my Dad got me into accounting."
"My brother has an auto shop and he's apprenticing me."
"My sister has friends who are interested in dating me."
"My best friend and I did shit with other people and we fucking liked it."
"My mom got me a gig at her real estate job right after I finished college"
...It's the people you know who provide opportunities. If you're a loner like me, you have to be completely self motivated. And I've fucking had it. I can't get a girlfriend. Can't get a job I like. Since I was 18 all I've been doing is dishwashing, cashiering, or jobs at grocery stores and restaurants. I've never been too happy with any of it but it's all I've ever done... I guess I just can't even figure out how to get started with something else, or what else I'd even like. Most things I try I hate. Plus I'm a chronically relapsing crystal meth addict so that always interferes with everything. It quickly crushes my mental health and eligibility for jobs and housing. I'll likely be homeless soon. NA, 12 steps, sponsorship, like I said, seemed to have little to no relevance to my actual addiction to meth, and so it really didn't help me, even after 5 years of going to thousands of meetings. I just heard about SMART recovery so maybe that will help, if I can get on the horse before I relapse again (really doubt it cause I'm already planning to relapse in a couple weeks, then lose my job and my housing). But peer support groups never did shit for me. People's advice never did me any good; I always ended up coming up with better solutions for myself than they did anyway. People always failed me and they will probably never understand how I function the way I do and how I think and process emotions and information. I'm just an oddball.
I'm working a stupid job right now at a grocery store, stocking produce and cashiering. I'll probably quit when I start using again because I'm an excruciating embarrassment when I come to work tweaked out, especially since it would be around the general public, i.e. shoppers at the store. I've cashiered on meth before at other jobs. People did not seem comfortable around me. I was fine being shaky, weird and ridiculous, but they wanted someone normal I guess. Oh well.
So I'm giving up gradually because ultimately my fate is to end up in jail or prison. I will never be able to hold a job nor will I be willing to work one because I'll be counterproductive and will weigh down the workplace by being unpleasant to be around and not believing in myself. Nobody will want to be around me because I will be too exhausted to put in the effort to smile or talk to anyone. Doing anything is too fucking hard man. I swear, someday I'm just gonna go on an "effort strike" by dropping deadweight on the ground and refusing to move for the rest of my life. Nobody can force me to do anything! Joke's on them! The police will have to come pick me up by my arms and legs and throw me in jail where I will quickly starve and dehydrate due to my refusal to do anything. I won't even use a toilet anymore. I'll just sit in my soiled stinking clothes until I naturally lose consciousness. Has anyone ever done that? That would be epic as fuck.
Anyway, there's no where else for me to go. The world is better off without me and I'm better off dead. Problem is I don't want to kill myself. So I just have to wait around and suffer my fucking ass off until something takes me out. But like I said before, nothing ever happens to me. Not even anything bad. It's like I'm disconnected from all people and all events in the world. I don't care for anyone. I don't love anyone. I have an emotional connection to my parents but they're really the only people I have now in my life. I had a handful of friends once but then I just lost use for them I guess. I became a mentally ill drug addict and they went on and lived their lives. Someday I'll be a homeless lunatic who everybody hates and is extremely unappealing. Too late for a girlfriend at that point. I'll probably have all kinds of physical health issues by then anyway. I already depend on medication to control my high blood pressure. I have to take shitloads of medications and supplements to stablilize my neurotransmitters and give me energy and help me sleep. Naturally I can not function in the world. Seriously, it is just about impossible for me to be here. It's crazy that I've even made it this far in life.
First time I wanted to call it quits was when I was 17. Now I'm 28. I got to experience a lot of shit between then and now. But now there's nothing more that I want in life. It's getting too late for college and a wife. I'd love a girlfriend. That's the only thing I want. She'd have to have a sexy as fuck body though. I just won't settle for less. My mostly inactive sex life was more than enough disappointment. Being 28 years old without ever having a hot girlfriend, only a couple unappealing ones... just infuriates me. There's some sort of social barrier between me and people. Tinder didn't even work for me. It's just impossible to get fucking laid man. My youthful attractive body is just being completely wasted. I wasted my whole life. But maybe there was never really much else I could have done about it anyway. My life was just bound to be (invisibly) tragic.
Thanks if you've read this far, I'm really glad for your attention. What the hell else do I have anyway. A bunch of stuff that will get ruined or lost when I'm homeless. I'll never be able to afford a place to live because I'll never stay clean or keep a job. So fuck you world. You never did shit for me even when I did all I could. All by myself, I can not do it. And I can not keep connections with other people. They just do not understand and I do not like them or relate to them.
At least I've decided that my misery is reasonable and that suicide is in my best interest, and I am acknowledging how my life will naturally play out because I am choosing not to kill myself. All I can say is I'm fucking furious and insanely sad.
I AM FUCKING FURIOUS AND INSANELY SAD. I am praying for a heart attack or a brain aneurysm. But that is asking for a miracle, and why the fuck would a miracle happen to me. Wouldn't count on it. So fuck working hard. Working hard isn't enough. 12 steps and medication and therapy aren't enough. Being positive isn't enough. Nothing is powerful enough to save me! That's how big and bad my FURY and SADNESS and HOPELESSNESS are. But I can't talk about my negativity to people in person because they will just feel compelled to help, or else just not want to be around me for refusing help and being a negative person.
There's so much more pent up fucking fury, but this is turning out to be a long ass post, so I'll have to end it here for now.
P.S. I fucking hate my SS username... why the hell did I choose "PlanetStarbux" man... at the least it would be nice to have a better username without making an alt or be able to change it. But whatever, that's a first world problem in comparison to my others.
I am not asking for help. In fact i am henceforth refusing all help. For the last 12 years I have seen numerous therapists, psychiatrists, attended thousands of 12 step meetings, have had AA and NA sponsors, attended inpatient and outpatient drug/mental illness treatment, have tried many medications, received ECT treatments, ... yada yada. A lot of it made a difference for sure during some of that time but at this point in my life those institutions can do no more for me. I've gotten all the help I can get, so nothing is news to me, and now my wellbeing is completely on me. Miracles don't happen to me. Nothing happens to me. I have to go out and make every single thing happen - make a friend, ask someone out, get a job, whatever. Nothing ever falls into my hands. I'm just mentioning that because "falling into the hands" seems to happen to plenty of people out there. They have a social circle or family who provide job connections, referrals, possible friends or girlfriends.
"Yeah my Dad got me into accounting."
"My brother has an auto shop and he's apprenticing me."
"My sister has friends who are interested in dating me."
"My best friend and I did shit with other people and we fucking liked it."
"My mom got me a gig at her real estate job right after I finished college"
...It's the people you know who provide opportunities. If you're a loner like me, you have to be completely self motivated. And I've fucking had it. I can't get a girlfriend. Can't get a job I like. Since I was 18 all I've been doing is dishwashing, cashiering, or jobs at grocery stores and restaurants. I've never been too happy with any of it but it's all I've ever done... I guess I just can't even figure out how to get started with something else, or what else I'd even like. Most things I try I hate. Plus I'm a chronically relapsing crystal meth addict so that always interferes with everything. It quickly crushes my mental health and eligibility for jobs and housing. I'll likely be homeless soon. NA, 12 steps, sponsorship, like I said, seemed to have little to no relevance to my actual addiction to meth, and so it really didn't help me, even after 5 years of going to thousands of meetings. I just heard about SMART recovery so maybe that will help, if I can get on the horse before I relapse again (really doubt it cause I'm already planning to relapse in a couple weeks, then lose my job and my housing). But peer support groups never did shit for me. People's advice never did me any good; I always ended up coming up with better solutions for myself than they did anyway. People always failed me and they will probably never understand how I function the way I do and how I think and process emotions and information. I'm just an oddball.
I'm working a stupid job right now at a grocery store, stocking produce and cashiering. I'll probably quit when I start using again because I'm an excruciating embarrassment when I come to work tweaked out, especially since it would be around the general public, i.e. shoppers at the store. I've cashiered on meth before at other jobs. People did not seem comfortable around me. I was fine being shaky, weird and ridiculous, but they wanted someone normal I guess. Oh well.
So I'm giving up gradually because ultimately my fate is to end up in jail or prison. I will never be able to hold a job nor will I be willing to work one because I'll be counterproductive and will weigh down the workplace by being unpleasant to be around and not believing in myself. Nobody will want to be around me because I will be too exhausted to put in the effort to smile or talk to anyone. Doing anything is too fucking hard man. I swear, someday I'm just gonna go on an "effort strike" by dropping deadweight on the ground and refusing to move for the rest of my life. Nobody can force me to do anything! Joke's on them! The police will have to come pick me up by my arms and legs and throw me in jail where I will quickly starve and dehydrate due to my refusal to do anything. I won't even use a toilet anymore. I'll just sit in my soiled stinking clothes until I naturally lose consciousness. Has anyone ever done that? That would be epic as fuck.
Anyway, there's no where else for me to go. The world is better off without me and I'm better off dead. Problem is I don't want to kill myself. So I just have to wait around and suffer my fucking ass off until something takes me out. But like I said before, nothing ever happens to me. Not even anything bad. It's like I'm disconnected from all people and all events in the world. I don't care for anyone. I don't love anyone. I have an emotional connection to my parents but they're really the only people I have now in my life. I had a handful of friends once but then I just lost use for them I guess. I became a mentally ill drug addict and they went on and lived their lives. Someday I'll be a homeless lunatic who everybody hates and is extremely unappealing. Too late for a girlfriend at that point. I'll probably have all kinds of physical health issues by then anyway. I already depend on medication to control my high blood pressure. I have to take shitloads of medications and supplements to stablilize my neurotransmitters and give me energy and help me sleep. Naturally I can not function in the world. Seriously, it is just about impossible for me to be here. It's crazy that I've even made it this far in life.
First time I wanted to call it quits was when I was 17. Now I'm 28. I got to experience a lot of shit between then and now. But now there's nothing more that I want in life. It's getting too late for college and a wife. I'd love a girlfriend. That's the only thing I want. She'd have to have a sexy as fuck body though. I just won't settle for less. My mostly inactive sex life was more than enough disappointment. Being 28 years old without ever having a hot girlfriend, only a couple unappealing ones... just infuriates me. There's some sort of social barrier between me and people. Tinder didn't even work for me. It's just impossible to get fucking laid man. My youthful attractive body is just being completely wasted. I wasted my whole life. But maybe there was never really much else I could have done about it anyway. My life was just bound to be (invisibly) tragic.
Thanks if you've read this far, I'm really glad for your attention. What the hell else do I have anyway. A bunch of stuff that will get ruined or lost when I'm homeless. I'll never be able to afford a place to live because I'll never stay clean or keep a job. So fuck you world. You never did shit for me even when I did all I could. All by myself, I can not do it. And I can not keep connections with other people. They just do not understand and I do not like them or relate to them.
At least I've decided that my misery is reasonable and that suicide is in my best interest, and I am acknowledging how my life will naturally play out because I am choosing not to kill myself. All I can say is I'm fucking furious and insanely sad.
I AM FUCKING FURIOUS AND INSANELY SAD. I am praying for a heart attack or a brain aneurysm. But that is asking for a miracle, and why the fuck would a miracle happen to me. Wouldn't count on it. So fuck working hard. Working hard isn't enough. 12 steps and medication and therapy aren't enough. Being positive isn't enough. Nothing is powerful enough to save me! That's how big and bad my FURY and SADNESS and HOPELESSNESS are. But I can't talk about my negativity to people in person because they will just feel compelled to help, or else just not want to be around me for refusing help and being a negative person.
There's so much more pent up fucking fury, but this is turning out to be a long ass post, so I'll have to end it here for now.
P.S. I fucking hate my SS username... why the hell did I choose "PlanetStarbux" man... at the least it would be nice to have a better username without making an alt or be able to change it. But whatever, that's a first world problem in comparison to my others.
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