Story I have BPD and I can't deal with this anymore

[Eila7]

(Hi, this is the first time that I'm posting something to the internet in english, I'm sorry if I make some mistakes but this is not my first language...)

I'm 24 and I have been diagnosed with bpd almost a year ago. All this time in my life have been a deep hell for me. I started to know more about myself with this desease and it was terrifing... The relationship that I'm having right now is just a nightmare... many times I had hit my boyfriend, lied to him (light lies but he thinks I have a lie problem) and the most horrible part... once I tried to kill him with a bread knife because I thought he wanted to leave me... Days ago, I broke his pinky finger and scratched his left arm, he does not talk to me anymore, he says we are never going to be together anymore, he calls me a monster, a b*tch (sorry for the word), a lier, someone without emphaty... and every single day is just pain for me...
I really really love him. Don't get me wrong... he is such an AMAZING guy that have been with me despite all the violence and bad times for almost a year. For the first time in my life I felt that warm feeling in my chest to start a family with him as one of my main goals of my life. I know myself and I'm so sure that I would never EVER cheat on him (his biggest fear) and many many things more... like... I think I'm pregnant because I have a delay of a month with my period, but the worst part is that as a BPD patient, I'm taking valproic acid everyday and one of the side effects is that if I take it while I'm pregnant, the baby would born sick of misshapen... and that is extremely painfull for me for the reasons that I just told you....
I share this with y'all because I'm so tired of this situation that I'm already planning my final day... I really don't know what to do... I already have around 12 failed tries...(I tried hanging, many times) my family wants to get to a mental clinic to stay God knows how much time...

Thank you for read my actual story...

 

[Good4Nothing]

My sister was just like you, except she never accepted her diagnosis and refused to believe she had a problem. Her life was a living hell. You have my sympathy.

 

[DoNotLet2]

I'm sorry :( It's so unfair when somebody has a disorder and they cannot live because of that... I don't know what to advise.

 

[LittleJem]

Sending love to you. None of this is your fault. Some of us are just born this way. I'm so sorry for your suffering.

 

[MrBigSad]

I got told bpd wasn't like a switch / personality disorder. They said it wasn't symptomatic / usual to switch like I did. I could go from blinding bliss to agonizing despair in seconds.

Now I just don't feel emotion anymore. I understand that this must hurt you deeply. But I want you to know it's not your fault.

 

[_Kaira_]

This hits me hard cause I understand the pain you're going through. I've been diagnosed with so many things including BPD. Before I even was diagnosed with it, I was researching it in highschool cause I knew I had a problem, Especially with relationships. I never was physically aggressive with my ex's, so much that I was very verbally and emotionally abusive on top of my explosive anger. I would start arguments if I remotely thought they were cheating on me. With one of them particular, I got him so worked up that he actually hurt me physically in return. I lost 2 really sweet guys that I thought I'd one day marry myself. It's a lot of pain to hurt others we love because we have an extremely hard time controlling our actions.

Sadly there is stereotypes around people with BPD. I've seen and heard people say we are the most toxic people out there and we should be avoided at all cost. It really does hurt more than they will ever know. Isolating ourselves while we push away others because they have no way to handle our problems. Admittedly, the ones who can't shouldn't have to shoulder the misery we can bring them. It will always take a special kind of someone who naturally knows how to work around people like us, and love us despite the hell we may bring. It's just hard to find.

I've been single for a while now. I've made my last boyfriend depressed and it just wasn't fair for him. I still don't blame him for ending our relationship. He deserves someone who is a lot more emotionally stable. I'm on 4 different medications right now to control my mood swings, anger issues and overall mood. They along with therapy don't help me.

I am so sorry you are going through this hell.

 

[Eila7]

I got told bpd wasn't like a switch / personality disorder. They said it wasn't symptomatic / usual to switch like I did. I could go from blinding bliss to agonizing despair in seconds.

Now I just don't feel emotion anymore. I understand that this must hurt you deeply. But I want you to know it's not your fault.

How did you get to the point to don't have any emotions?

 

[MrBigSad]

How did you get to the point to don't have any emotions?

I don't know. I think I killed them with drugs and alcohol.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Hi,

I recommend for you to determine today with more certainly if you are pregnant with a test from the pharmacy. If so, I think you need to immediately contact your physician so they can adjust your medications as necessary to better protect your fetus.

Perhaps, if you test negative for pregnancy, now is a good time to discuss other medication options since it appears you might not be using birth control. It would be best for you to consider adverse consequences now to any future offspring should you in fact get pregnant in the future.

What are you proactively doing to improve yourself and your relationship? Do you attend therapy? Do you attend anger management courses? What strategies do you utilize when things start to get out of control? How about for your partner. What strategies does he employ?

I recommend you take additional steps for self care.

Best wishes and I hope you find a solution for your issues!

 

[_Kaira_]

Hi,

I recommend for you to determine today with more certainly if you are pregnant with a test from the pharmacy. If so, I think you need to immediately contact your physician so they can adjust your medications as necessary to better protect your fetus.

Perhaps, if you test negative for pregnancy, now is a good time to discuss other medication options since it appears you might not be using birth control. It would be best for you to consider adverse consequences now to any future offspring should you in fact get pregnant in the future.

What are you proactively doing to improve yourself and your relationship? Do you attend therapy? Do you attend anger management courses? What strategies do you utilize when things start to get out of control? How about for your partner. What strategies does he employ?

I recommend you take additional steps for self care.

Best wishes and I hope you find a solution for your issues!

I know this was meant for OP, but I wanted to give my experience with the questions on your 3rd paragraph. It's just not so simple. My therapist can't tell me things I already don't know. For many of us, we find it hard to find any reason or way to improve ourselves. The lack of willpower could also be a problem. We can try but usually fail in one way or another. An endless cycle if you will. Not in a management course, but my therapist was tailored for me specifically for anger problems and mood swings. Again, it just doesn't help. I take all her advice but I manage to fail at it one way or another. Plan A, B, C...you could go through the whole alphabet of back up plans to defuse a situation, Often times, the very problem is that we don't have the self control to follow through.

My ex for example, my therapist told him to try and walk away. You know what I did? I followed him cause I was so worked up. Try to put on his headset to game? I'd attempt to remove it off his head. He try to hug and cuddle with me to make me feel calm? I pushed him away and told him to leave me alone. More often than not, I didn't think about it while doing these things. Logic never came before action in these moments. Excuses? Maybe. But it is a very real problem, that's for sure. We certainly don't enjoy making people despise us in the end.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I got told bpd wasn't like a switch / personality disorder. They said it wasn't symptomatic / usual to switch like I did. I could go from blinding bliss to agonizing despair in seconds.

Now I just don't feel emotion anymore. I understand that this must hurt you deeply. But I want you to know it's not your fault.

I switch a lot in relation to everything - mood, view of the world, other people. Not having a core identity really sucks.