I have a second chance but I'm too far gone

[Venus13]

I'm haunted by everything that's happened to me. Something awful lives in my chest. It feels like what I felt after a bad car accident, but it's there every day. I work so hard to overcome it but it's just growing. It's screeching inside my skull at times. I am horrified by existence. I've been paralyzed the past few days, feeling like I can't move. Frozen in fear.

I'm nonfunctional in most ways. Everything is a challenge for me. I can't navigate my internal or external world with any hint of wellness. I've lost sight of everything. I'm causing damage to others at this point with poor regulation of my disturbed personality.

I have a line up of important treatments for next year, both physical and mental. The first doctor I'm seeing books far out, he's the best in the country for my needs. I don't want to have regrets on the day I die. I know I should try to experience life after these treatments. If I go out prior to the medical trearments I'll go out with major what ifs swirling in the back of my mind.

I don't know if I'm capable of getting through the coming months. I'm losing strength at a rapid rate. I don't know how to fix the haunted feeling I have. It feels like sometimes your past can be so fucking bad that whatever potential the future has becomes almost irrelevant.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds horrible and exhausting what you have to endure. Living really can be so painful. I hope that you find the relief that you are looking for.