I have a plan in place but keep backing out in fear of my loved ones reaction

[IDontLikeMyself]

I have had this plan for so long now. I will take a shitload of random medication I still have (not really to OD but mainly to get drowsy) and jump into the canal at a time that the water is really cold so i will most likely just pass out from the cold.
Problem is that I keep backing out. Everytime it seems things are going better because school is going great, I have a boyfriend now, I am doing pretty okay in general, but still I want to ctb so bad because I know this won´t last. My own unsstable brain will ruin everything. It´s like I am waiting to ctb for when my loved ones are gone and I can do it without feeling bad that I am hurting other people. Why am I such a pussy that can´t just do it?

 

[hunterfla]

I will take a shitload of random medication I still have

You do you, but this sounds like a terrible idea. I am not known for my logical thinking, but I've heard that those who fail to plan should plan to fail, and that seems to apply here. I've made my share of pointless/unplanned attempts and they always (you guessed it) fail..but when I do SN soon it will hopefully break that pattern because I've done my research and will make every effort possible to succeed. Either way, I wish you the best. Hugs.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that after all only the individual knows when the time is right to leave this world, I don't think that someone is cowardly if they don't try and attempt to leave, it's a personal decision deciding when to permanently escape from all the suffering.