I have a goal that makes me feel alive again

[edu0z]

Last year I left college at the start of the first year. At that time I still had very good friends with me and I didn't see college as a place for me. I wanted to dedicate myself to something else on my own and the fact that I was locked up there (the university was a scholarship) caused me a lot of anxiety. I was going through a very hard shit time but my friends were there to support me and I thank them... However by unfortunate events they are no longer my friends. I guess life works like that, I wish them the best and if one day they need anything I will be available to them

However, I must face the reality and the fact is that now I find myself completely alone. I had accepted that fate with a smile and my idea was to do ctb last night 2/13... but I didn't have the courage and I'm still alive

I'm not particularly happy to stay alive, it's been a tough day today 2/14. But since I'm still here I would like to do something about it and meet new people. I work from home and I don't have colleagues because what I do I do on my own. I am very afraid to go out alone at night to meet people, and the truth is that although it seems very easy: online social networks are not my strong point. Social networks make me feel very anxious and I always end up depressed after using Telegram or Whatsapp for a while.

That's why I'm thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to change a little, and go back to college where I could meet some nice people and make new healthy friendships. I could even meet interesting people to try a romantic relationship...

Today I read on the university page that the course ends this week and the next one starts next month. When I left the university due to medical problems of depression and suicidal attempts (that was said in the certificate, but the truth is that it were more things)... the dean told me that I did not lose my place there. A kind of council was gathered and I was given a postponement for a year of recovery. But I had to carry another certificate that said I am fit to go back to school... it's an opportunity I didn't plan to use but now I think I should.

I still have almost a month to prepare. I could start going out in the afternoons to adapt to the outdoors since I have been locked in my house for a long time. Maybe talk a little bit about banal things with people on the street to lose a little fear of people before entering. Tomorrow I have consultation with the psychologist and I am sure that she could help me with the certificate if I ask for help. Putting everything in order in my mind so I can go in and focus on meeting new people... have a good time... who knows, maybe I can meet good friends or even a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

I know it all seems very stupid and fanciful. But I don't know, thinking about it has given me hope... After so long drifting, having this kind of goal makes me feel "alive" again. I never liked life but I recognize that there have been funny moments, and in those moments I was always fighting for something. If I'm going to stay alive at least I want to do my best to get back to those moments.

Yes, I know it sounds pretty stupid. I'm very afraid just to think about being there again surrounded by strange people... but if I'm still alive at least I should try don't you think?

I am glad to share with you my emotion. It makes me very happy when I read here people who manage to recover and move forward in their lives and feel proud of it and help the community.

Thanks for reading this <3

 

[Foresight]

This is awesome. None of it sounds stupid, it's beautiful to try. I personally think that phase of trying in spite of uncertainty has its own charm, not just the end result. You should feel alive in that. I'm glad you have a counselor to speak with as you start putting yourself out there again.

 

[Looooser]

First off you don't sound stupid at all. It sounds like you've found some hope which I think is amazing, great, and exciting. I'm happy and excited for you! I've had those "rollercoaster" feelings as well. I'll get depressed for years and on day it's like a light switch turns on and I feel better. Whether it was something someone told me or just tired of "missing the bus" or whatever. I have the opportunity of getting my old job back which is scary for me but I'll have some money which will make my life easier and makes me think I could date again..... Maybe this time will be different!

 

[whywere]

You are such a beautiful soul and having found a huge sunny day of hope and optimism, it is just so heartwarming to see you spreading your wings and flying high.

You are so intelligent, caring and an excellent head on your shoulders that the world is your oyster.

You are going to do great and be a greater person than you are now, if that is possible!

My hat is off to you, and I send you lots of well wishes to such an awesome spirit!

Lots of sunny days and brilliant blue skies for you!

Walter

 

[edu0z]

First off you don't sound stupid at all. It sounds like you've found some hope which I think is amazing, great, and exciting. I'm happy and excited for you! I've had those "rollercoaster" feelings as well. I'll get depressed for years and on day it's like a light switch turns on and I feel better. Whether it was something someone told me or just tired of "missing the bus" or whatever. I have the opportunity of getting my old job back which is scary for me but I'll have some money which will make my life easier and makes me think I could date again..... Maybe this time will be different!

Yes, that's exactly what I'm feeling, that kind of impulse that started as a simple idea and gets bigger and bigger. Yesterday was a shitty day and I was ready to leave. I tried to be in peace with everyone and with myself so that I could die happily. Forgive all people and forgive myself... I was really in peace like I never had been in my life, with no regrets. I get quite frustrated not to die, but I guess when I found myself in peace my brain could not begin to torture itself with the things that he always tortures himself and I could think more clearly. I no longer feel pain when I think of people who are not in my life... I still want to die but I guess a little hope is a good start. I was a little afraid that it was just a "passing impulse", and that's why I wanted to publish it here, to make it real.

 

[Julgran]

I was going through a very hard shit time but my friends were there to support me and I thank them... However by unfortunate events they are no longer my friends. I guess life works like that, I wish them the best and if one day they need anything I will be available to them

We all are heading down our own paths in life, so don't fret when you find your own path to head in another direction than your friends. I think that this happens to many - if not most - of us.

That's why I'm thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to change a little, and go back to college where I could meet some nice people and make new healthy friendships. I could even meet interesting people to try a romantic relationship...

Today I read on the university page that the course ends this week and the next one starts next month. When I left the university due to medical problems of depression and suicidal attempts (that was said in the certificate, but the truth is that it were more things)... the dean told me that I did not lose my place there. A kind of council was gathered and I was given a postponement for a year of recovery. But I had to carry another certificate that said I am fit to go back to school... it's an opportunity I didn't plan to use but now I think I should.

Take any opportunity that you have. You may end up positively surprised at what life can bring you. You can afford - socially - to take risks. Being half suicidal, you don't have to be afraid of taking any risks, since the possibility to end your life is always there - as a fall-back.

I still have almost a month to prepare. I could start going out in the afternoons to adapt to the outdoors since I have been locked in my house for a long time. Maybe talk a little bit about banal things with people on the street to lose a little fear of people before entering. Tomorrow I have consultation with the psychologist and I am sure that she could help me with the certificate if I ask for help. Putting everything in order in my mind so I can go in and focus on meeting new people... have a good time... who knows, maybe I can meet good friends or even a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

I know it all seems very stupid and fanciful. But I don't know, thinking about it has given me hope... After so long drifting, having this kind of goal makes me feel "alive" again. I never liked life but I recognize that there have been funny moments, and in those moments I was always fighting for something. If I'm going to stay alive at least I want to do my best to get back to those moments.

Yes, I know it sounds pretty stupid. I'm very afraid just to think about being there again surrounded by strange people... but if I'm still alive at least I should try don't you think?

You are not stupid, at all. Take it in strides. You could go into a clothes store and just ask if they have some kind of special pants that you like - and practive eye-contact and speaking to a real person.

Good luck to you!

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with what you are doing. I hope it goes well.

 

[whywere]

Yes, that's exactly what I'm feeling, that kind of impulse that started as a simple idea and gets bigger and bigger. Yesterday was a shitty day and I was ready to leave. I tried to be in peace with everyone and with myself so that I could die happily. Forgive all people and forgive myself... I was really in peace like I never had been in my life, with no regrets. I get quite frustrated not to die, but I guess when I found myself in peace my brain could not begin to torture itself with the things that he always tortures himself and I could think more clearly. I no longer feel pain when I think of people who are not in my life... I still want to die but I guess a little hope is a good start. I was a little afraid that it was just a "passing impulse", and that's why I wanted to publish it here, to make it real.

HI!! You are such an awesome friend, that your post made me so sad. I hope everything works great for you as I need great folks like you, as no other family nor friends, it is folks like you who help so very much.

Take care .

Walter

 

[edu0z]

We all are heading down our own paths in life, so don't fret when you find your own path to head in another direction than your friends. I think that this happens to many - if not most - of us.



Take any opportunity that you have. You may end up positively surprised at what life can bring you. You can afford - socially - to take risks. Being half suicidal, you don't have to be afraid of taking any risks, since the possibility to end your life is always there - as a fall-back.



You are not stupid, at all. Take it in strides. You could go into a clothes store and just ask if they have some kind of special pants that you like - and practive eye-contact and speaking to a real person.

Good luck to you!

Thank you very much for the advice... haha yes, just today I convinced myself to go to the store and try to socialize with some people. It's harder than I remembered, but it feels good to strive for something that will help you improve.