Venting I have a date now

[midnightluv]

Hello guys, first post. I'm pretty much set on CTB, but it won't be for a few months so I can properly prepare. My boyfriend broke up with me because of my depression being exhausting for him. And he said "I'm done with this" over a fucking discord dm. He didn't even call me for it.

I tried going to anime club at my college after like I had planned but I had a massive panic attack resulting in intense dissociation half an hour in and had my mom drive me home. I downloaded bumble as soon as I got home, but I'm going to delete it now. I told him how alone I had been feeling but apparently the fact that I had loved him with every fiber of my being meant nothing. I made him an entire home cooked three course meal once. Got him a game he's wanted for 2 years. Got him a purple seal plushie because his favorite animals are seals and favorite color is purple. Went to all of his shitty twitch streams that he did instead of responding to my texts.

Whatever though. I plan on CTB on December first, his birthday. I'm doing it in the very early morning so I won't be interrupted and the news would be broken earlier. I'm not going to tell him anything leading up to it either, I'll just text him the note, text it to a few of his friends to show him if he doesn't respond, and that's it. He isn't up in the early morning either. The things I would miss aren't worth it anymore and being a human is exhausting. People always say stuff like "you have to do x or you're a disgusting human being" but discount the torture I have to go through daily as a result of bpd, psychotic depression, adhd, and gad. I have medical bills through the roof. My teeth are horrible because I haven't been able to brush my teeth. I haven't even been to the dentist in two years because I'm afraid they'll judge me. Therapy hasn't helped one bit. My parents are horrible to me. I'm in massive credit card debt due to my psychotic episodes. And now I'm romantically alone again. Just like always. But I'm done trying. Some girls are like me, meant to be alone.

My parents won't even let me have a cat or something that would help me feel less shitty and lonely. I would reconsider everything if I was able to have a pet. But I'm not financially able to move out to get one. I literally just got my license and I'm a broke college student. The funny thing is, I'm currently trying to get a BS in psychology. Wanted to be a pediatric psychologist. I probably would've just hurt the kids though. I'm literally just an emotional parasite, I need to do this so I don't hurt anymore people. I wonder if this would be considered altruistic suicide, doesn't matter though. I will try to go for convincing to get a pet before December first but if it doesn't happen I'll see you guys wherever we go. Hopefully my bf and I can meet in another life, I'd love to see him again where he doesn't hate me.

 

[bored2death]

sorry you have to go through all that

i've read that DBT therapy is the only proven successful treatment for BPD, and even then it takes ~7 years and a lot of work. i mention only to highlight that it may be possible to change things if you want.

if not, i hope you find peace

 

[midnightluv]

sorry you have to go through all that

i've read that DBT therapy is the only proven successful treatment for BPD, and even then it takes ~7 years and a lot of work. i mention only to highlight that it may be possible to change things if you want.

if not, i hope you find peace

I've tried DBT. I haven't done it for very long though, but it was a frustrating experience. I just don't want to live in a world where I'm alone. That's why I was so insistent on getting a pet, it would make me less alone and with something that wouldn't leave me if I took care of it.

 

[Holu]

Hello guys, first post. I'm pretty much set on CTB, but it won't be for a few months so I can properly prepare. My boyfriend broke up with me because of my depression being exhausting for him. And he said "I'm done with this" over a fucking discord dm. He didn't even call me for it.

I tried going to anime club at my college after like I had planned but I had a massive panic attack resulting in intense dissociation half an hour in and had my mom drive me home. I downloaded bumble as soon as I got home, but I'm going to delete it now. I told him how alone I had been feeling but apparently the fact that I had loved him with every fiber of my being meant nothing. I made him an entire home cooked three course meal once. Got him a game he's wanted for 2 years. Got him a purple seal plushie because his favorite animals are seals and favorite color is purple. Went to all of his shitty twitch streams that he did instead of responding to my texts.

Whatever though. I plan on CTB on December first, his birthday. I'm doing it in the very early morning so I won't be interrupted and the news would be broken earlier. I'm not going to tell him anything leading up to it either, I'll just text him the note, text it to a few of his friends to show him if he doesn't respond, and that's it. He isn't up in the early morning either. The things I would miss aren't worth it anymore and being a human is exhausting. People always say stuff like "you have to do x or you're a disgusting human being" but discount the torture I have to go through daily as a result of bpd, psychotic depression, adhd, and gad. I have medical bills through the roof. My teeth are horrible because I haven't been able to brush my teeth. I haven't even been to the dentist in two years because I'm afraid they'll judge me. Therapy hasn't helped one bit. My parents are horrible to me. I'm in massive credit card debt due to my psychotic episodes. And now I'm romantically alone again. Just like always. But I'm done trying. Some girls are like me, meant to be alone.

My parents won't even let me have a cat or something that would help me feel less shitty and lonely. I would reconsider everything if I was able to have a pet. But I'm not financially able to move out to get one. I literally just got my license and I'm a broke college student. The funny thing is, I'm currently trying to get a BS in psychology. Wanted to be a pediatric psychologist. I probably would've just hurt the kids though. I'm literally just an emotional parasite, I need to do this so I don't hurt anymore people. I wonder if this would be considered altruistic suicide, doesn't matter though. I will try to go for convincing to get a pet before December first but if it doesn't happen I'll see you guys wherever we go. Hopefully my bf and I can meet in another life, I'd love to see him again where he doesn't hate me.

This post is throwing me for loops. It's like I'm reading an alternative reality version of myself and it's horrifying. Down to the Psych major . Well that and no cat. And BP-2 instead of borderline. And technically no more PDD. And I'm a dude lmao.

I understand you though, not as much as I wish I could, but more than you would expect. I was with my ex for 4 years, and during with cuz of my mental state, I absolutely clung to her and as a result adored her. Ultimately it ended for the same reasons. Her friends had convinced that my problems were not hers, and that it was too overbearing and toxic. Left for being depressed lmao.

These people truly do become our sanctuaries. Hell, it's been another four years, and I still feel strongly for her. I absolutely refuse to connect with another person on such a level. I maintained contact with her up until a few months ago where she got a new bf. That shit still feels like knives to the back thinking about it. Nothing but bitterness.

I'm truly truly sorry for what you're going through. You did an outstanding amount for him, and it's obvious through actions alone how much you love him. I'm sorry he wasn't able to see that.

Under no circumstances am I trying to deny you justice, and there's a good chance you're already aware, but I'm compelled to point out that killing yourself on his birthday is absolutely your BPD speaking. From your post, you don't seem like the abusive/petulant BPD type(I'm guessing your more the discouraged BPD form), but that action is most certainly going to be emotionally abusive, especially if your sending a note to him and his friends. Again, it's your decision, and if you feel like it's what's right, then make him suffer. Just wanted to point your attention to it.

I mean shit, I can't even imagine what hell you're going through because of your BPD. I lost a close friend to that curse. She was trans, and in a poly relationship where her BF valued the other girl more than her. She knew how bad agreeing to an emotional abuse rollercoaster was, but still did cuz she didn't want her bf to break up.

Idk how familiar you are with suicide methods, but I'll link you here a general collection of methods. In addition, if you search for posts regarding these, you will find that many are well documented, with others writing their experiences up until the moment they pass. As always, I heavily suggest you search from these as when done correctly, they are largely painless, and boast high success rates. Though you may want to go for a more brutal route, I truly believe you don't deserve any more suffering than what you have already experienced.

Also, if I can ask, what made you wanna go into psych. For me, as someone who did constant therapy from the ages 6-17, that shit never worked at all. I kinda just started looking into it myself and became obsessed. In addition it was also kinda nice helping people with their problems instead of focusing on mine.

Whatever the case, once again, im sorry. Ik it doesn't mean shit from an internet stranger, but of all the posts ive seen on this, I related to this the most. Thank you for sharing, and while you're here I hope we can help give you a bit of joy in your last days. I wish you best in your preparations, and would hope that you will be at least marginally more kind to yourself. You have suffered enough, and don't deserve any added weight to your pain. As always, if you need anything feel free to ask. And hey, welcome to our family! Amongst the forsaken you are not truly alone.

I've tried DBT. I haven't done it for very long though, but it was a frustrating experience. I just don't want to live in a world where I'm alone. That's why I was so insistent on getting a pet, it would make me less alone and with something that wouldn't leave me if I took care of it.

DBT for me was a lot of mindfulness based techniques, and honestly the lessons felt very similar to CBT. That said, idk at the time if you told your DBT case workers that you felt having an animal companion would be a good component for your safety plan, but I feel like that's something they would have been willing to communicate to your parents if you gave them permission. Somewhere in my medical records I have my safety plan, and cat is literally one of the few things in my safety plan lmao

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring and dreadful having suffered like that but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[midnightluv]

This post is throwing me for loops. It's like I'm reading an alternative reality version of myself and it's horrifying. Down to the Psych major . Well that and no cat. And BP-2 instead of borderline. And technically no more PDD. And I'm a dude lmao.

I understand you though, not as much as I wish I could, but more than you would expect. I was with my ex for 4 years, and during with cuz of my mental state, I absolutely clung to her and as a result adored her. Ultimately it ended for the same reasons. Her friends had convinced that my problems were not hers, and that it was too overbearing and toxic. Left for being depressed lmao.

These people truly do become our sanctuaries. Hell, it's been another four years, and I still feel strongly for her. I absolutely refuse to connect with another person on such a level. I maintained contact with her up until a few months ago where she got a new bf. That shit still feels like knives to the back thinking about it. Nothing but bitterness.

I'm truly truly sorry for what you're going through. You did an outstanding amount for him, and it's obvious through actions alone how much you love him. I'm sorry he wasn't able to see that.

Under no circumstances am I trying to deny you justice, and there's a good chance you're already aware, but I'm compelled to point out that killing yourself on his birthday is absolutely your BPD speaking. From your post, you don't seem like the abusive/petulant BPD type(I'm guessing your more the discouraged BPD form), but that action is most certainly going to be emotionally abusive, especially if your sending a note to him and his friends. Again, it's your decision, and if you feel like it's what's right, then make him suffer. Just wanted to point your attention to it.

I mean shit, I can't even imagine what hell you're going through because of your BPD. I lost a close friend to that curse. She was trans, and in a poly relationship where her BF valued the other girl more than her. She knew how bad agreeing to an emotional abuse rollercoaster was, but still did cuz she didn't want her bf to break up.

Idk how familiar you are with suicide methods, but I'll link you here a general collection of methods. In addition, if you search for posts regarding these, you will find that many are well documented, with others writing their experiences up until the moment they pass. As always, I heavily suggest you search from these as when done correctly, they are largely painless, and boast high success rates. Though you may want to go for a more brutal route, I truly believe you don't deserve any more suffering than what you have already experienced.

Also, if I can ask, what made you wanna go into psych. For me, as someone who did constant therapy from the ages 6-17, that shit never worked at all. I kinda just started looking into it myself and became obsessed. In addition it was also kinda nice helping people with their problems instead of focusing on mine.

Whatever the case, once again, im sorry. Ik it doesn't mean shit from an internet stranger, but of all the posts ive seen on this, I related to this the most. Thank you for sharing, and while you're here I hope we can help give you a bit of joy in your last days. I wish you best in your preparations, and would hope that you will be at least marginally more kind to yourself. You have suffered enough, and don't deserve any added weight to your pain. As always, if you need anything feel free to ask. And hey, welcome to our family! Amongst the forsaken you are not truly alone.

DBT for me was a lot of mindfulness based techniques, and honestly the lessons felt very similar to CBT. That said, idk at the time if you told your DBT case workers that you felt having an animal companion would be a good component for your safety plan, but I feel like that's something they would have been willing to communicate to your parents if you gave them permission. Somewhere in my medical records I have my safety plan, and cat is literally one of the few things in my safety plan lmao

Thank you for your response. It's mostly a "I want him to suffer as much as he hurt me" thing. He isn't the only reason I decided this. Life in general is exhausting and I didn't even decide to be here. I don't want to do things like work, eat, drink water, clean, brush my teeth, and shower. It's exhausting yet for some reason it's necessary. I might change it for the day beforehand, since it would be the day after my birthday. It would just combine them.

It must be tiring and dreadful having suffered like that but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

Thanks

 

[midnightluv]

This post is throwing me for loops. It's like I'm reading an alternative reality version of myself and it's horrifying. Down to the Psych major . Well that and no cat. And BP-2 instead of borderline. And technically no more PDD. And I'm a dude lmao.

I understand you though, not as much as I wish I could, but more than you would expect. I was with my ex for 4 years, and during with cuz of my mental state, I absolutely clung to her and as a result adored her. Ultimately it ended for the same reasons. Her friends had convinced that my problems were not hers, and that it was too overbearing and toxic. Left for being depressed lmao.

These people truly do become our sanctuaries. Hell, it's been another four years, and I still feel strongly for her. I absolutely refuse to connect with another person on such a level. I maintained contact with her up until a few months ago where she got a new bf. That shit still feels like knives to the back thinking about it. Nothing but bitterness.

I'm truly truly sorry for what you're going through. You did an outstanding amount for him, and it's obvious through actions alone how much you love him. I'm sorry he wasn't able to see that.

Under no circumstances am I trying to deny you justice, and there's a good chance you're already aware, but I'm compelled to point out that killing yourself on his birthday is absolutely your BPD speaking. From your post, you don't seem like the abusive/petulant BPD type(I'm guessing your more the discouraged BPD form), but that action is most certainly going to be emotionally abusive, especially if your sending a note to him and his friends. Again, it's your decision, and if you feel like it's what's right, then make him suffer. Just wanted to point your attention to it.

I mean shit, I can't even imagine what hell you're going through because of your BPD. I lost a close friend to that curse. She was trans, and in a poly relationship where her BF valued the other girl more than her. She knew how bad agreeing to an emotional abuse rollercoaster was, but still did cuz she didn't want her bf to break up.

Idk how familiar you are with suicide methods, but I'll link you here a general collection of methods. In addition, if you search for posts regarding these, you will find that many are well documented, with others writing their experiences up until the moment they pass. As always, I heavily suggest you search from these as when done correctly, they are largely painless, and boast high success rates. Though you may want to go for a more brutal route, I truly believe you don't deserve any more suffering than what you have already experienced.

Also, if I can ask, what made you wanna go into psych. For me, as someone who did constant therapy from the ages 6-17, that shit never worked at all. I kinda just started looking into it myself and became obsessed. In addition it was also kinda nice helping people with their problems instead of focusing on mine.

Whatever the case, once again, im sorry. Ik it doesn't mean shit from an internet stranger, but of all the posts ive seen on this, I related to this the most. Thank you for sharing, and while you're here I hope we can help give you a bit of joy in your last days. I wish you best in your preparations, and would hope that you will be at least marginally more kind to yourself. You have suffered enough, and don't deserve any added weight to your pain. As always, if you need anything feel free to ask. And hey, welcome to our family! Amongst the forsaken you are not truly alone.

DBT for me was a lot of mindfulness based techniques, and honestly the lessons felt very similar to CBT. That said, idk at the time if you told your DBT case workers that you felt having an animal companion would be a good component for your safety plan, but I feel like that's something they would have been willing to communicate to your parents if you gave them permission. Somewhere in my medical records I have my safety plan, and cat is literally one of the few things in my safety plan lmao

I'm really sorry that I missed some of your questions. I've been awake off and on and about 3/4 of the time I've been awake I've been getting drunk or was drunk. One drink feels like 4 especially since I'm very small and I'm on a lot of medication (that doesn't fucking work) so I'm very out of it.

I wanted to go into psych because I wanted to be a pediatric clinical psychologist. I wanted to work with kids that had rough childhoods like me so they wouldn't end up like I did. I really love working with kids and I can be very empathetic, although I dislike calling myself an empath. And I love research and social sciences, and psychology fit all of those boxes.

I'm probably gonna ask my therapist about talking to my parents about the pet thing, it's just complicated because since I'm not a minor (I'm 21) I have to sign a bunch of HIPPA bullshit and I fucking hate paperwork.

This whole situation just sucks ass, I had a whole plan out for my life with him. We would move in together so I wouldn't have to live with my abusive parents, get a dog or cat for companionship as I went to grad school. I'd work full time and go to school part time. We'd get married after I get my masters. Get a doctorate and start my career. After I'm settled, we'd become parents, he'd take care of the baby while I worked. He was the cornerstone of my dream and now he's gone. I know it's pathetic basing it around one person but I'm literally nothing. The mold growing at the bottom of a McDonald's trash can has more value than me. Before him I thought I was fated to die young and tragically, but I was proven right. Like I said, some girls were meant to be alone. I'm forever one of them.

 

[Holu]

I'm really sorry that I missed some of your questions. I've been awake off and on and about 3/4 of the time I've been awake I've been getting drunk or was drunk. One drink feels like 4 especially since I'm very small and I'm on a lot of medication (that doesn't fucking work) so I'm very out of it.

I wanted to go into psych because I wanted to be a pediatric clinical psychologist. I wanted to work with kids that had rough childhoods like me so they wouldn't end up like I did. I really love working with kids and I can be very empathetic, although I dislike calling myself an empath. And I love research and social sciences, and psychology fit all of those boxes.

I'm probably gonna ask my therapist about talking to my parents about the pet thing, it's just complicated because since I'm not a minor (I'm 21) I have to sign a bunch of HIPPA bullshit and I fucking hate paperwork.

This whole situation just sucks ass, I had a whole plan out for my life with him. We would move in together so I wouldn't have to live with my abusive parents, get a dog or cat for companionship as I went to grad school. I'd work full time and go to school part time. We'd get married after I get my masters. Get a doctorate and start my career. After I'm settled, we'd become parents, he'd take care of the baby while I worked. He was the cornerstone of my dream and now he's gone. I know it's pathetic basing it around one person but I'm literally nothing. The mold growing at the bottom of a McDonald's trash can has more value than me. Before him I thought I was fated to die young and tragically, but I was proven right. Like I said, some girls were meant to be alone. I'm forever one of them.

Ik u are being kind and respectful, and it's a force of habit for many but Istg I'm gonna bitch slap the next person on this forum who apologizes to me. Y'all gotta stop it's breaking my hearrrrt. You and everyone else don't need to apologize for nothingggg.

First off, that is a wonderful reason to be a psychologistttt! Honestly, it's a surprisingly long journey, since it's basically a requirement to get masters and to enter some forum of specialty degree or doctorate or both.

Second, paperwork is a bitch, but if you can work it out with parents maybe it will work. Heck, if you don't need a cuddly friend, snakes and lizards are low maintenance. Also, while more difficult than cats, you can actually purchase some breed of mini pig to live in your house, which are oddly somehow less maintenance(more cost tho) than a doggo. It's kinda a funny animal ngl, and still very cute.

Finally, you are not in the slightest strange for basing your life around a lover. In all honesty I think we all do the same. Not that it's any comfort to you, but it's been 4 years since I broke up and I'm still confusing and acting without a real plan. It's all very disorienting.

Whatever the case, it sounds like at least at the moment you have your heart set on suicide. From what I can tell, you look like you have it well planned out, and that you will take the necessary precautions for success. Still, make sure you go over your plan with others on the forum, as to guarantee it's as perfect as possible.

Anyhow, I hope your mood improves, even if slightly in the coming days. Keep holding on to whatever faith or anger you still have. And as always we are here if you need to ramble or rant.

 

[midnightluv]

Ik u are being kind and respectful, and it's a force of habit for many but Istg I'm gonna bitch slap the next person on this forum who apologizes to me. Y'all gotta stop it's breaking my hearrrrt. You and everyone else don't need to apologize for nothingggg.

First off, that is a wonderful reason to be a psychologistttt! Honestly, it's a surprisingly long journey, since it's basically a requirement to get masters and to enter some forum of specialty degree or doctorate or both.

Second, paperwork is a bitch, but if you can work it out with parents maybe it will work. Heck, if you don't need a cuddly friend, snakes and lizards are low maintenance. Also, while more difficult than cats, you can actually purchase some breed of mini pig to live in your house, which are oddly somehow less maintenance(more cost tho) than a doggo. It's kinda a funny animal ngl, and still very cute.

Finally, you are not in the slightest strange for basing your life around a lover. In all honesty I think we all do the same. Not that it's any comfort to you, but it's been 4 years since I broke up and I'm still confusing and acting without a real plan. It's all very disorienting.

Whatever the case, it sounds like at least at the moment you have your heart set on suicide. From what I can tell, you look like you have it well planned out, and that you will take the necessary precautions for success. Still, make sure you go over your plan with others on the forum, as to guarantee it's as perfect as possible.

Anyhow, I hope your mood improves, even if slightly in the coming days. Keep holding on to whatever faith or anger you still have. And as always we are here if you need to ramble or rant.

Ah, yeah. Apologizing is a bad habit for me. Blame my horrible parents who get mad at me for things like leaving an unopened pad on top of the toilet bowl when I'm literally recovering from surgery.

I didn't mind the amount of necessary work. I know I'm weird but I really enjoy school, I like having structure and honestly I'm a workaholic. I've planned for a high level degree since I was in about 8th grade I want to say? But I can't remember almost anything in my life from the ages of 11-13. Trauma and dissociative amnesia going crazy.

I went on Temu and bought a giant stuffed animal to hopefully help with my loneliness at night. It's honestly a last resort to make my final few months not a complete hell.

I really think the basing my life on a lover also came from my fucked up childhood, especially since I still live with my parents and brother so I have to deal with their bullshit still. My dad is an apostolic pastor and my parents are extremely traditional. I've deconverted from Christianity and I'm agnostic, but I think the internalized misogyny is still in the back of my mind. A man would get me out of here and take care of me for the rest of my life. I guess I wanted some prince to save me, like in Disney movies. I related the most to Anna and Rapunzel, so I imagined myself as them. But fairy tales are fairy tales, and the real world is a horrible place for people like me. I'm too kind, too naïve, too hardworking, too stupid, too ditzy. I'm defective or something. Bad at being a human. It's worthless being alive if all I'm going to experience is pain.

Now I'm just rambling. Im drunk right now as well.

 

[Holu]

Ah, yeah. Apologizing is a bad habit for me. Blame my horrible parents who get mad at me for things like leaving an unopened pad on top of the toilet bowl when I'm literally recovering from surgery.

I didn't mind the amount of necessary work. I know I'm weird but I really enjoy school, I like having structure and honestly I'm a workaholic. I've planned for a high level degree since I was in about 8th grade I want to say? But I can't remember almost anything in my life from the ages of 11-13. Trauma and dissociative amnesia going crazy.

I went on Temu and bought a giant stuffed animal to hopefully help with my loneliness at night. It's honestly a last resort to make my final few months not a complete hell.

I really think the basing my life on a lover also came from my fucked up childhood, especially since I still live with my parents and brother so I have to deal with their bullshit still. My dad is an apostolic pastor and my parents are extremely traditional. I've deconverted from Christianity and I'm agnostic, but I think the internalized misogyny is still in the back of my mind. A man would get me out of here and take care of me for the rest of my life. I guess I wanted some prince to save me, like in Disney movies. I related the most to Anna and Rapunzel, so I imagined myself as them. But fairy tales are fairy tales, and the real world is a horrible place for people like me. I'm too kind, too naïve, too hardworking, too stupid, too ditzy. I'm defective or something. Bad at being a human. It's worthless being alive if all I'm going to experience is pain.

Now I'm just rambling. Im drunk right now as well.

IK U AINT APOLOGIZE BUT IT STILL SOUNDS LIKE UR APOLOGIZING!!! Jkjk ur fine kinda sorta maybe.

First off, W giant stuffed animal. I'm a 20 year old adult and I still drag my stuffed animals with me where ever I go to lay my head. They are obviously crucial.

Second, personally for myself, I don't mind psych classes as I effectively watched psych lectures and hospital ran courses for entertainment. Shit feels very easy since I'm actually involved in it.

Also, having structure seems very important from you, and I could have guessed that off the planned life with your bf. Atm, I'd imagine your feeling s but misconstrued, which def is not helping.

As for the misogyny or wanting a man to save you, I actually to some degree saw it differently. You wanting to be the breadwinner is in itself a statement against misogyny. That said, as much as a male can, I understand what you mean about it still playing a role in your life. Unfortunately the patriarchy isn't gonna let that change for the foreseeable future.

Furthermore, you aren't bad at being human, at least not to me. You seem very much more human than the majority of people you meet. Maybe less of a socially accepted human but that's okay. Ik it's easy to think down in yourself, but it's okay to be gentle to yourself sometimes. Doesn't have to be a right now thing, but maybe a tomorrow or next week midnightluv thing.

Finally, is okay to be drunk. I'm 20, and can't legally purchase alcohol, but I'd imagine I'd probably have blasted my kidneys in your situation(this is not me telling you to do so lmao). Ik the world doesn't slow down, but in your case feel free so take the time now to just let the world drag you a bit. Find as much comfort and security as you can rn.

Then, if you want to keep going, keep going, if not, embracing peace on your scheduled day is still in the books. I truly do believe we all know in our hearts what's right. You do you girl, and we as a community will be right behind you.

Hoping that the stuffed animal makes you feel a tad bit better. If you need anything as always please feel free to let me know. Anyways, thank you for joinin me in convo, and enjoy being not sober for me!

 

[midnightluv]

IK U AINT APOLOGIZE BUT IT STILL SOUNDS LIKE UR APOLOGIZING!!! Jkjk ur fine kinda sorta maybe.

First off, W giant stuffed animal. I'm a 20 year old adult and I still drag my stuffed animals with me where ever I go to lay my head. They are obviously crucial.

Second, personally for myself, I don't mind psych classes as I effectively watched psych lectures and hospital ran courses for entertainment. Shit feels very easy since I'm actually involved in it.

Also, having structure seems very important from you, and I could have guessed that off the planned life with your bf. Atm, I'd imagine your feeling s but misconstrued, which def is not helping.

As for the misogyny or wanting a man to save you, I actually to some degree saw it differently. You wanting to be the breadwinner is in itself a statement against misogyny. That said, as much as a male can, I understand what you mean about it still playing a role in your life. Unfortunately the patriarchy isn't gonna let that change for the foreseeable future.

Furthermore, you aren't bad at being human, at least not to me. You seem very much more human than the majority of people you meet. Maybe less of a socially accepted human but that's okay. Ik it's easy to think down in yourself, but it's okay to be gentle to yourself sometimes. Doesn't have to be a right now thing, but maybe a tomorrow or next week midnightluv thing.

Finally, is okay to be drunk. I'm 20, and can't legally purchase alcohol, but I'd imagine I'd probably have blasted my kidneys in your situation(this is not me telling you to do so lmao). Ik the world doesn't slow down, but in your case feel free so take the time now to just let the world drag you a bit. Find as much comfort and security as you can rn.

Then, if you want to keep going, keep going, if not, embracing peace on your scheduled day is still in the books. I truly do believe we all know in our hearts what's right. You do you girl, and we as a community will be right behind you.

Hoping that the stuffed animal makes you feel a tad bit better. If you need anything as always please feel free to let me know. Anyways, thank you for joinin me in convo, and enjoy being not sober for me!

Hahaha thanks for the conversation. Yeah I'm a huge structure person. It keeps me going knowing there's a plan and my future won't be 100% unexpected. I feel like I lost my structure. My reason to keep going. I would text him good morning and good night too, so I'm guessing he knew this as well. Idk, he's autistic and isn't good at reading people so I'm not sure. I'm not sure if he thought I was too clingy, but I've talked to him about me being a very affectionate person and if I seem to clingy to him he needs to tell me. I don't even have anything else except for going to school. That doesn't really matter either though. I'm supposed to start a job but idk if I can. It'll honestly just fund my food addiction, random clothes purchases to try and fail to make me like myself, and games.

I don't like being drunk though. I only get drunk on holidays/special occasions or when I'm at rock bottom. One small part being I hate the taste of alcohol, another small part being my parents hate it when I drink, and the biggest thing being another goddamn piece of trauma because some crazy bad shit happened when I was drunk once.

The bad at being human part is about me being this mentally ill. My depression and anxiety keep me from doing so many things. I barely go in public due to enochlophobia and sensory overload, and my room is a disaster even though I hate messiness. I don't remember the last time I brushed my teeth, showered, ate a vegetable or fruit, anything like that. I drank a sip of water yesterday. Basic human tasks, essential tasks, are impossible for me. Also, I don't even know my true personality anymore honestly, I'm just a log of mental illness symptoms and trauma responses. I'm like a walking DSM-V. Like… I like cute things like Sanrio, I like to bake, and I like to play games. That's it. It's even worse since I deal with involuntary age regression a lot and I don't even remember what I act like during those episodes and have to piece together stuff from texts and YouTube history and others.

Life is just fucking stupid.

 

[Holu]

Hahaha thanks for the conversation. Yeah I'm a huge structure person. It keeps me going knowing there's a plan and my future won't be 100% unexpected. I feel like I lost my structure. My reason to keep going. I would text him good morning and good night too, so I'm guessing he knew this as well. Idk, he's autistic and isn't good at reading people so I'm not sure. I'm not sure if he thought I was too clingy, but I've talked to him about me being a very affectionate person and if I seem to clingy to him he needs to tell me. I don't even have anything else except for going to school. That doesn't really matter either though. I'm supposed to start a job but idk if I can. It'll honestly just fund my food addiction, random clothes purchases to try and fail to make me like myself, and games.

I don't like being drunk though. I only get drunk on holidays/special occasions or when I'm at rock bottom. One small part being I hate the taste of alcohol, another small part being my parents hate it when I drink, and the biggest thing being another goddamn piece of trauma because some crazy bad shit happened when I was drunk once.

The bad at being human part is about me being this mentally ill. My depression and anxiety keep me from doing so many things. I barely go in public due to enochlophobia and sensory overload, and my room is a disaster even though I hate messiness. I don't remember the last time I brushed my teeth, showered, ate a vegetable or fruit, anything like that. I drank a sip of water yesterday. Basic human tasks, essential tasks, are impossible for me. Also, I don't even know my true personality anymore honestly, I'm just a log of mental illness symptoms and trauma responses. I'm like a walking DSM-V. Like… I like cute things like Sanrio, I like to bake, and I like to play games. That's it. It's even worse since I deal with involuntary age regression a lot and I don't even remember what I act like during those episodes and have to piece together stuff from texts and YouTube history and others.

Life is just fucking stupid.

Ain't no fuckin problem lol. Whole point of this place is convo. That and efficient ways to ctb.

Am sorry that he never really addressed the whole clinginess thing. Not to be rude, but sometimes if u have to ask it's probably a bit much. That said, a lot of guys actually prefer clingy, but as you said he is has what sounds like a mild form autism, which obviously makes the whole connection thing a tad bit more difficult.

Also no such thing as a food addiction lmao. Even tho I keep my credit card locked cuz I'll waste it quite literally all on food or during an episode a bunch of random shit.

As for drinking, if it's what the mood is, then fuck it drink. Guilt is a later problem(this is def healthy advice lmao). But seriously tho, if downing a bottle helps suppress shit atm, then go for it. Only a serious problem after some time, but right now is time for extreme coping methods. Might wanna lock your credit card tho lol.

Ohhh and is involuntary age regression just like part of DID. I've never actually heard of it before(at least I don't think). I should look it up before I start sounding stupid, but I'm curious if it's different from an alternative identity, or if it's just textbook DID where you have a child identity lmao. Might make sense since it seems like u were describing childhood trauma to some degree.

In the case it's DID however, ima be a bit more of a dick and say, ease up on the drinking. That's really not good, even if ur in self destructive psycho mode.

Finally, this message was brought to you by the ICD-11 > DSM-V gang. ICD-11 superiority 4L :). DSM-V a doooo baddddd(jk it's realistically more useful).

Edit: Ok so I read it and ya it's just DID whoops. I'm dumb just ignore me lmao. On that note tho, one weird question. Have you ever taken a myers-briggs as different personalities. I'd imagine they come out varied, but it would be interesting to see lmao. Btw not forcing u to do shit, plus can't imagine it would be easy getting other identities to take. Just in the situation you have done it b4 I'm curious lmao.

 

[midnightluv]

Ain't no fuckin problem lol. Whole point of this place is convo. That and efficient ways to ctb.

Am sorry that he never really addressed the whole clinginess thing. Not to be rude, but sometimes if u have to ask it's probably a bit much. That said, a lot of guys actually prefer clingy, but as you said he is has what sounds like a mild form autism, which obviously makes the whole connection thing a tad bit more difficult.

Also no such thing as a food addiction lmao. Even tho I keep my credit card locked cuz I'll waste it quite literally all on food or during an episode a bunch of random shit.

As for drinking, if it's what the mood is, then fuck it drink. Guilt is a later problem(this is def healthy advice lmao). But seriously tho, if downing a bottle helps suppress shit atm, then go for it. Only a serious problem after some time, but right now is time for extreme coping methods. Might wanna lock your credit card tho lol.

Ohhh and is involuntary age regression just like part of DID. I've never actually heard of it before(at least I don't think). I should look it up before I start sounding stupid, but I'm curious if it's different from an alternative identity, or if it's just textbook DID where you have a child identity lmao. Might make sense since it seems like u were describing childhood trauma to some degree.

In the case it's DID however, ima be a bit more of a dick and say, ease up on the drinking. That's really not good, even if ur in self destructive psycho mode.

Finally, this message was brought to you by the ICD-11 > DSM-V gang. ICD-11 superiority 4L :). DSM-V a doooo baddddd(jk it's realistically more useful).

Edit: Ok so I read it and ya it's just DID whoops. I'm dumb just ignore me lmao. On that note tho, one weird question. Have you ever taken a myers-briggs as different personalities. I'd imagine they come out varied, but it would be interesting to see lmao. Btw not forcing u to do shit, plus can't imagine it would be easy getting other identities to take. Just in the situation you have done it b4 I'm curious lmao.

What gets me though is he's told me multiple times that he doesn't mind clinginess and would tell me if he needs me to ease up or it's too much. He told me he'd be 100% honest with me and won't play games with me. But honestly I just think he wanted sex at the end, most of the time the only time he responded before 20 mins had passed was if I said something sexual or sent him nudes or something.

Also I don't have DID. I've talked about my involuntary age regression with my psychiatrist and she told me it isn't DID. I honestly don't remember her rationale for it though but she's been a good doctor so I trust her. I don't really have a separate personality, I just shift back into 12 year old midnightluv. And yeah haha the ICD is way better. I've taken the Meyers briggs test as myself and I'm an ISFP-T. I'm not sure how I can get my age regressed self to take it since it's due to me dissociating, I won't know what's going on enough to be able to take a test. It exclusively happens when I'm in a very bad stressed out mental state and my brain does it to protect me. Happens when I get panic attacks a lot.

 

[Holu]

What gets me though is he's told me multiple times that he doesn't mind clinginess and would tell me if he needs me to ease up or it's too much. He told me he'd be 100% honest with me and won't play games with me. But honestly I just think he wanted sex at the end, most of the time the only time he responded before 20 mins had passed was if I said something sexual or sent him nudes or something.

Also I don't have DID. I've talked about my involuntary age regression with my psychiatrist and she told me it isn't DID. I honestly don't remember her rationale for it though but she's been a good doctor so I trust her. I don't really have a separate personality, I just shift back into 12 year old midnightluv. And yeah haha the ICD is way better. I've taken the Meyers briggs test as myself and I'm an ISFP-T. I'm not sure how I can get my age regressed self to take it since it's due to me dissociating, I won't know what's going on enough to be able to take a test. It exclusively happens when I'm in a very bad stressed out mental state and my brain does it to protect me. Happens when I get panic attacks a lot.

I'm gonna be an ABSOLUTE incel, but this is the meta "new ex" thinking. Give bro bro a bit more credit than just sex thinking. Not to say he wasn't doing so, but it's easy to gravitate to that as a way of condemning him.

Also, can I ask how autistic dude is? Like is it severe or like mild since, I'm gonna be honest, psych major to psych major and mentally ill person to mentally ill person r u sure that ctbing and sending a 13 rzns why is appropriate if he's autistic. All power to you regardless I am just wondering if maybe a few weeks of thought might be good to change ur mind from that specific decision. Again tho, idk ur relationship, I'm just a constant devils advocate ig. That aside it's u here so I support u regardless so long as u don't start attacking animals(attacking humans is fine).

Also also, that's a very cool personality type. I'm boring lmao stuck with INFP-T which tbh makes sense for me I feel.

Also also also, my bad. Never really fixated on DID so my knowledge on it is rather limited. Still kinda unsure how age regression fully works but how you described makes perfect sense. Seems like a coping/defense mechanism, which explains why it occurs in periods of high stress. Cant imagine it's good for test taking tho lmao

Sorry to pry on ur mental health! It's honestly rather rare to see psych people in a place where most people(including me ngl) have a poor disposition towards the current state of mental healthcare. That said I've met like 5 nurses on here which also throws me loops ngl.

 

[midnightluv]

I'm gonna be an ABSOLUTE incel, but this is the meta "new ex" thinking. Give bro bro a bit more credit than just sex thinking. Not to say he wasn't doing so, but it's easy to gravitate to that as a way of condemning him.

Also, can I ask how autistic dude is? Like is it severe or like mild since, I'm gonna be honest, psych major to psych major and mentally ill person to mentally ill person r u sure that ctbing and sending a 13 rzns why is appropriate if he's autistic. All power to you regardless I am just wondering if maybe a few weeks of thought might be good to change ur mind from that specific decision. Again tho, idk ur relationship, I'm just a constant devils advocate ig. That aside it's u here so I support u regardless so long as u don't start attacking animals(attacking humans is fine).

Also also, that's a very cool personality type. I'm boring lmao stuck with INFP-T which tbh makes sense for me I feel.

Also also also, my bad. Never really fixated on DID so my knowledge on it is rather limited. Still kinda unsure how age regression fully works but how you described makes perfect sense. Seems like a coping/defense mechanism, which explains why it occurs in periods of high stress. Cant imagine it's good for test taking tho lmao

Sorry to pry on ur mental health! It's honestly rather rare to see psych people in a place where most people(including me ngl) have a poor disposition towards the current state of mental healthcare. That said I've met like 5 nurses on here which also throws me loops ngl.

It probably is the new ex thinking. It's just like… when I passed my driving test I've been anxious about for years, I got no response. I asked if he saw it and he just said "yes" and that's it. Legit the only time I'd get a semi instant response for like a month was for a sexual reason. And the sex thing is a huge insecurity for me, like thinking people only want to talk to me is bc they wanna have sex. It was strengthened by a lot, me starting to get harassed the second I got curves, getting SAed by a guy I thought was one of my closest friends, and my ex before this guy asking me to suck him off literally like 10 minutes after I said I was extremely depressed. It's probably just anger and insecurity talking, you're right. Plus it's legit 4AM where I am rn (EDIT: Probably later bc this is being approved by the mods and idk when you'll see it) and I'm going to bed lol.

He has mild autism I think he said and we don't have the relationship points for me to check rn. It isn't just him im CTBing for though. It's a lot of stuff but our breakup was just the straw that broke the camels back. It's honestly pretty minor in terms of my decision. It isn't purely to hurt him, although it does play a small part my biggest want is to escape pain. A life without pain is impossible so I would rather not live one in the first place. I wouldn't just be sending the note to him/his circle either and the note won't call him out. It would be just me saying "hey, im dead, I'll miss some of you, but life sucked too much to keep going." The confusion was just me being unclear because I'm upset honestly.

 

[Holu]

It probably is the new ex thinking. It's just like… when I passed my driving test I've been anxious about for years, I got no response. I asked if he saw it and he just said "yes" and that's it. Legit the only time I'd get a semi instant response for like a month was for a sexual reason. And the sex thing is a huge insecurity for me, like thinking people only want to talk to me is bc they wanna have sex. It was strengthened by a lot, me starting to get harassed the second I got curves, getting SAed by a guy I thought was one of my closest friends, and my ex before this guy asking me to suck him off literally like 10 minutes after I said I was extremely depressed. It's probably just anger and insecurity talking, you're right. Plus it's legit 4AM where I am rn (EDIT: Probably later bc this is being approved by the mods and idk when you'll see it) and I'm going to bed lol.

He has mild autism I think he said and we don't have the relationship points for me to check rn. It isn't just him im CTBing for though. It's a lot of stuff but our breakup was just the straw that broke the camels back. It's honestly pretty minor in terms of my decision. It isn't purely to hurt him, although it does play a small part my biggest want is to escape pain. A life without pain is impossible so I would rather not live one in the first place. I wouldn't just be sending the note to him/his circle either and the note won't call him out. It would be just me saying "hey, im dead, I'll miss some of you, but life sucked too much to keep going." The confusion was just me being unclear because I'm upset honestly.

Allow me to be the gentle nudging guide which says… if possible let's not traumatize the autistic ex bf, even if he was a shitbag. Again, ur decision, just here to do what men do best and that is emotionally manipulate women into doing something they don't wanna do(except in my case I have the imaginary moral high ground).

Also ya, I'm not putting it past every dude with a dick to not be 99% sex. My ex, even after we broke up, idk if it was to emotionally abuse me or something, but would tell me of guys being creeps to her and one dude who her coworker and was choking her no consent. Shit PISSED me off ngl, fucking ho. Anyways, I still kno well enough guys r scumbags, but usually if it's a bf thing I'd be a little more cautious, especially if it was long term. Still sorry that he was more attentive when sexual benefits were there tho. Kinda f fucked regardless, but if he's autistic I can understand.

Also yes life sucks fuck life death peaceful and good. But remember, our suffering goes, others don't. Doesn't mean u need to be weighed by guilt to not ctb but we should be just a little cautious to spread further suffering.

Edit: Oh also, the absolute horrible masculine part of me thought "damnnnn" when u said the thing about the other ex wanting a bj after u said u were extremely depressed. I'm depressed enough, and medicated enough that my libido is effectively 0, and even still it is conditioned into me as a male so hard that it's reflexive.

 

[midnightluv]

Allow me to be the gentle nudging guide which says… if possible let's not traumatize the autistic ex bf, even if he was a shitbag. Again, ur decision, just here to do what men do best and that is emotionally manipulate women into doing something they don't wanna do(except in my case I have the imaginary moral high ground).

Also ya, I'm not putting it past every dude with a dick to not be 99% sex. My ex, even after we broke up, idk if it was to emotionally abuse me or something, but would tell me of guys being creeps to her and one dude who her coworker and was choking her no consent. Shit PISSED me off ngl, fucking ho. Anyways, I still kno well enough guys r scumbags, but usually if it's a bf thing I'd be a little more cautious, especially if it was long term. Still sorry that he was more attentive when sexual benefits were there tho. Kinda f fucked regardless, but if he's autistic I can understand.

Also yes life sucks fuck life death peaceful and good. But remember, our suffering goes, others don't. Doesn't mean u need to be weighed by guilt to not ctb but we should be just a little cautious to spread further suffering.

Idk I mean I have a few months to think about it. I'm not doing it for a revenge fantasy, and I feel like the people around me would suffer the same if I died from a different cause such as me getting into a fatal car accident. Then it would've been completely out of my control and they'd still be in pain. And I really am tired of being alive… every single day is exhausting. I don't think I'd qualify us as long term though but he told me while he sent the breakup text that he started losing interest a little more than a month ago. Maybe I am being just a hysterical woman though wracked by my awful hormones (joking). And idk if healing is even possible for me. My life is pretty much ruined. I have so much shit going on it isn't even….I don't even know. Thousands of dollars in medical, credit card, and student loan debt, I've probably destroyed my teeth, and I don't even think the very few people around me have even noticed that I've been suicidal for months now. The only people I regularly talk to that I don't live with is are discord randoms and my study group for one of my classes. My bf was sort of in that category but it obviously faded when pretty much the only way I could get him to respond was to send a picture of my boobs.

I really do appreciate your comments and our discussion however.

 

[Holu]

Idk I mean I have a few months to think about it. I'm not doing it for a revenge fantasy, and I feel like the people around me would suffer the same if I died from a different cause such as me getting into a fatal car accident. Then it would've been completely out of my control and they'd still be in pain. And I really am tired of being alive… every single day is exhausting. I don't think I'd qualify us as long term though but he told me while he sent the breakup text that he started losing interest a little more than a month ago. Maybe I am being just a hysterical woman though wracked by my awful hormones (joking). And idk if healing is even possible for me. My life is pretty much ruined. I have so much shit going on it isn't even….I don't even know. Thousands of dollars in medical, credit card, and student loan debt, I've probably destroyed my teeth, and I don't even think the very few people around me have even noticed that I've been suicidal for months now. The only people I regularly talk to that I don't live with is are discord randoms and my study group for one of my classes. My bf was sort of in that category but it obviously faded when pretty much the only way I could get him to respond was to send a picture of my boobs.

I really do appreciate your comments and our discussion however.

I'm someone who's anti everything, and even I think healing is possible. Just a lot of fucking effort for some people, and to me personally it's not worth a full recovery. I'm alive as long as my mom is alive, which while medicated is a good amount of time since before I've literally had episodes where I've had to fight myself and my stepdad from actually killing her and me. I love her, but I don't want her to suffer if I go, and in a societally twisted way I associate death with painlessness. Still, not my place nor actual desire to take her life, sometimes it's just difficult to keep going for another person.

Back into you, can I ask about the teeth obsession. Is it a general insecurity, or is it just like a defining signal that you're no longer functional to even the most basic levels. I'm assuming the second but could be wrong idk. Also, ya, people aren't really gonna notice shit until you die, then act like they noticed everything lmao. Fucking idiots.

And ya, debt is rough. I'm fortunate enough that my parents are paying first 4 years of UC, partially to keep me alive, but partially cuz they can. Prob doesn't help that I'm a doordash addict and am paying for my friends HRT since her ass has 0 money. Is gonna be stressful later when I'm fully financially cut from them tho. Idk how I'll survive debt tbf. Also doesn't help that ai therapy is becoming a thing, which means not even what should be the most ai secure job is secure lmao. We are all just so fucked.

Also, I believe you said, but you're taking meds correct. They aren't helping with the severe swing in mood obviously, but have they been okay for you so far? Maybe I'm just med obsessed but I love my meds. They make me a better person.

Also, Ik ur drunk, and it's genuinely very interesting convo, but ima boutta try to sleep. I've been up solely cuz I was dming someone, and I think they fell asleep after I sent a 1.1k word paragraph lmao. I'll prob be up for like 15, but depending on ur timezone u should also try to sleep. (I'm cali so it's not that late but I'm pretty sure I'm like 1 of three people on west coast time). That said, ur always welcome to just spam the everlasting shit outta me or dm. If needed. Not really gonna wake me or shit but I check those first since it's easier than finding "quoted" in the lump of "reacted"s.

Edit: ah shit bro finally responded while writing this. Scratch that I'm up for an hours lmao.

 

[Zebulon]

Hello guys, first post. I'm pretty much set on CTB, but it won't be for a few months so I can properly prepare. My boyfriend broke up with me because of my depression being exhausting for him. And he said "I'm done with this" over a fucking discord dm. He didn't even call me for it.

I tried going to anime club at my college after like I had planned but I had a massive panic attack resulting in intense dissociation half an hour in and had my mom drive me home. I downloaded bumble as soon as I got home, but I'm going to delete it now. I told him how alone I had been feeling but apparently the fact that I had loved him with every fiber of my being meant nothing. I made him an entire home cooked three course meal once. Got him a game he's wanted for 2 years. Got him a purple seal plushie because his favorite animals are seals and favorite color is purple. Went to all of his shitty twitch streams that he did instead of responding to my texts.

Whatever though. I plan on CTB on December first, his birthday. I'm doing it in the very early morning so I won't be interrupted and the news would be broken earlier. I'm not going to tell him anything leading up to it either, I'll just text him the note, text it to a few of his friends to show him if he doesn't respond, and that's it. He isn't up in the early morning either. The things I would miss aren't worth it anymore and being a human is exhausting. People always say stuff like "you have to do x or you're a disgusting human being" but discount the torture I have to go through daily as a result of bpd, psychotic depression, adhd, and gad. I have medical bills through the roof. My teeth are horrible because I haven't been able to brush my teeth. I haven't even been to the dentist in two years because I'm afraid they'll judge me. Therapy hasn't helped one bit. My parents are horrible to me. I'm in massive credit card debt due to my psychotic episodes. And now I'm romantically alone again. Just like always. But I'm done trying. Some girls are like me, meant to be alone.

My parents won't even let me have a cat or something that would help me feel less shitty and lonely. I would reconsider everything if I was able to have a pet. But I'm not financially able to move out to get one. I literally just got my license and I'm a broke college student. The funny thing is, I'm currently trying to get a BS in psychology. Wanted to be a pediatric psychologist. I probably would've just hurt the kids though. I'm literally just an emotional parasite, I need to do this so I don't hurt anymore people. I wonder if this would be considered altruistic suicide, doesn't matter though. I will try to go for convincing to get a pet before December first but if it doesn't happen I'll see you guys wherever we go. Hopefully my bf and I can meet in another life, I'd love to see him again where he doesn't hate me.

From one Psych major (1 year, than I get my masters in forensic psychology) to another.
I had a somewhat similar thought 6 years ago. I thought a girl really liked me, we hit it off etc
But in the end I was just there as a backup, IF it didnt work with the other guy. My thought process was the same. I kill myself on her B day, so that her B day wont be associated with my death, instead of happieness.

But after a few weeks I realized a couple things:
1) nobody would actually care if I died. So the Idea that people would be sad on that day instead of happy flew out the window.
2) I have a really low opinion of myself right, but even I thought, If I wanna CTB I wanna do it for MYSELF not for or because of another person. My death belongs to me, not to her
3) I didnt want to give her the satisfaction of actually hurting or killing me


But at the end of the day, its your life and your decision.

 

[midnightluv]

From one Psych major (1 year, than I get my masters in forensic psychology) to another.
I had a somewhat similar thought 6 years ago. I thought a girl really liked me, we hit it off etc
But in the end I was just there as a backup, IF it didnt work with the other guy. My thought process was the same. I kill myself on her B day, so that her B day wont be associated with my death, instead of happieness.

But after a few weeks I realized a couple things:
1) nobody would actually care if I died. So the Idea that people would be sad on that day instead of happy flew out the window.
2) I have a really low opinion of myself right, but even I thought, If I wanna CTB I wanna do it for MYSELF not for or because of another person. My death belongs to me, not to her
3) I didnt want to give her the satisfaction of actually hurting or killing me


But at the end of the day, its your life and your decision.

It's honestly not a bigger reason. It's mostly an extra sting thing. If I had to do it on any day I'd pick that one.