melancholyxx
New Member
- Mar 23, 2023
- 4
Hello again, messy all over the place vent time.
It's currently 2:46am. I'm in bed with unhappy thoughts again. I'm hungry but do not wish to get up to grab food. The past dew days have been okay. I hung out with my friends again and I had fun. Seeing them smile and goofing around with them makes me feel included in something. It feels nice. I've been trying to look at the positives, trying to change my negative often pessimistic views on everything really but I just can't budge. My life is pathetic. Underneath my pretty face is a pathetic girl with a pathetic story living a pathetic life. I sound so whiney and the rapid use of the word pathetic makes it all the more attention seeker-ey but it's the word that best describes me. I'm so fake. One makeup wipe and I'm back to being ugly. One week at my house and the dysfunctionality of my family shows itself. I keep chasing people. I keep finding myself trying so hard for someone- anyone to just want me. It doesn't have to be romantic or sexual. Just being interested in who I am for me because of me. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of loving and never being loved back.
If anyone here has read my previous thread, I did some digging and found some information on Mr. TOTGA ( The One That Got Away ). I feel sp stupid. How naive and stupid of me to fall for the bs. I just don't get it. I was so good to you, TOTGA. We had something special. I was something special and you knew that. What we had was something neither of us had with anyone else and you're just gonna throw it away for a girl you say you don't actually want yet you chose her over me and treat her like a princess...? Why? Why was I not good enough for you?? I showed you the best sides of me while also revealing the ugly sides. I told you everything and you did too. We told each other truths and secrets nobody else knew. Wr had a connection nobody else had. I get not wanting a relationship with me, I didn't mind either way. I just wanted to have you in my life because you're just so wonderful and real. You're so genuine and honest. You're so human. I didn't care if I was just another view on your story. I just want to know that you're okay. I just want to have that knowledge that you're doing well. That you're eating and not struggling with the problems that have been fucking you over so much.
I told one of my guy friends of my findings. He said I was being obsessive and that I have to focus on myself. I get that. I appreciate his honesty and he's right in a way but for the love of fucking god TOTGA is all I can think about. Has he eaten? Does he feel alone right now? Is he crying and in need of someone to talk to? Has he forgotten about me already?
I had a massive relapse with my disordered eating recovery recently. It feels like everything is falling apart again one by one. I wish I could go more into detail with my school shit and family shit but I'm far too afraid of being identified. So I'll just be vague about it. Mom's being a cunt, grandma's being a cunt, father's being a cunt. Everyone's being a cunt and it's driving me crazy. I want an escape. I want to feel safe again.
As I lay here typing this, I know all the locations of where my blades are. It's been 30 days since my last cutting relapse. I'm contemplating on just saying fuck it and giving up with that soberity too but I just know that if I cut now, I won't be able to hold back from overdoing it. I can't risk losing too much blood either because of how my food intake has been. I've been hanging out with my friends and all but fuck do I feel lonely. I've been texting multiple guys at once. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been leading any of them on. I always preface anything and everything with a clarification that I'm not looking for anything serious. It's ironic how I'm surrounding myself with so much people and yet I feel so lonely. I guess it's because even with all these people I still can't talk about my inner problems. Y'know, the deeper shit. I'm getting tired now. Not sleepy yet but I don't want to type anymore so I'll stop for now. Thanks for reading if anyone did.
It's currently 2:46am. I'm in bed with unhappy thoughts again. I'm hungry but do not wish to get up to grab food. The past dew days have been okay. I hung out with my friends again and I had fun. Seeing them smile and goofing around with them makes me feel included in something. It feels nice. I've been trying to look at the positives, trying to change my negative often pessimistic views on everything really but I just can't budge. My life is pathetic. Underneath my pretty face is a pathetic girl with a pathetic story living a pathetic life. I sound so whiney and the rapid use of the word pathetic makes it all the more attention seeker-ey but it's the word that best describes me. I'm so fake. One makeup wipe and I'm back to being ugly. One week at my house and the dysfunctionality of my family shows itself. I keep chasing people. I keep finding myself trying so hard for someone- anyone to just want me. It doesn't have to be romantic or sexual. Just being interested in who I am for me because of me. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of loving and never being loved back.
If anyone here has read my previous thread, I did some digging and found some information on Mr. TOTGA ( The One That Got Away ). I feel sp stupid. How naive and stupid of me to fall for the bs. I just don't get it. I was so good to you, TOTGA. We had something special. I was something special and you knew that. What we had was something neither of us had with anyone else and you're just gonna throw it away for a girl you say you don't actually want yet you chose her over me and treat her like a princess...? Why? Why was I not good enough for you?? I showed you the best sides of me while also revealing the ugly sides. I told you everything and you did too. We told each other truths and secrets nobody else knew. Wr had a connection nobody else had. I get not wanting a relationship with me, I didn't mind either way. I just wanted to have you in my life because you're just so wonderful and real. You're so genuine and honest. You're so human. I didn't care if I was just another view on your story. I just want to know that you're okay. I just want to have that knowledge that you're doing well. That you're eating and not struggling with the problems that have been fucking you over so much.
I told one of my guy friends of my findings. He said I was being obsessive and that I have to focus on myself. I get that. I appreciate his honesty and he's right in a way but for the love of fucking god TOTGA is all I can think about. Has he eaten? Does he feel alone right now? Is he crying and in need of someone to talk to? Has he forgotten about me already?
I had a massive relapse with my disordered eating recovery recently. It feels like everything is falling apart again one by one. I wish I could go more into detail with my school shit and family shit but I'm far too afraid of being identified. So I'll just be vague about it. Mom's being a cunt, grandma's being a cunt, father's being a cunt. Everyone's being a cunt and it's driving me crazy. I want an escape. I want to feel safe again.
As I lay here typing this, I know all the locations of where my blades are. It's been 30 days since my last cutting relapse. I'm contemplating on just saying fuck it and giving up with that soberity too but I just know that if I cut now, I won't be able to hold back from overdoing it. I can't risk losing too much blood either because of how my food intake has been. I've been hanging out with my friends and all but fuck do I feel lonely. I've been texting multiple guys at once. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been leading any of them on. I always preface anything and everything with a clarification that I'm not looking for anything serious. It's ironic how I'm surrounding myself with so much people and yet I feel so lonely. I guess it's because even with all these people I still can't talk about my inner problems. Y'know, the deeper shit. I'm getting tired now. Not sleepy yet but I don't want to type anymore so I'll stop for now. Thanks for reading if anyone did.
