Venting I hate the person I've become.

[halleyscomet]

I looked in the mirror today, and I couldn't even recognise myself. I've become so pale and sickly looking, the bags under my eyes are dark. The light from my eyes are completely gone, I look pretty much dead. I don't feel sad, or angry or happy anymore, I just feel so indifferent so numb to what is going on around me. I thought about younger me, how loving and kind she was, how she had such high aspirations. She wanted to be a surgeon and save a bunch of cats from abusive homes, she wanted to be successful, she was struggling but she pushed through it like a champ. I wish I could tell her how great and how worthy she was.

I've become a hollow husk of a person, I'm malnourished and isolated. I have no aspirations, no one to hold on to, nothing to live for. I crave for people to hurt me because I am so mentally fucked, I can't imagine it any other way. I'm alone and unwell, and I feel like I've let younger me down. She deserves much better then this, she deserves to be loved and to be happy and healthy. I've really let her down.

I try so hard to keep on living, I put a smile on my face and try to laugh it all off, thinking eventually I'll laugh so much I'll convince myself everything is okay. But it isn't, that is the harsh reality of the situation. I am unwell and deeply unhappy, I am alone and at my breaking point. I am so close to suicide, so close to ending it all and nobody knows how serious it is and how much pain I am in. I'm doing my best, I really really am, but it's just not enough. I don't know how much more I can take. It's nearly 4am and I just can't sleep because of how fucked it all is.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive, to try and have hope, to tell myself ctb will always be an option so lets give life another chance. But I am so deeply exhausted, I am burnt out, I am at my wits end. I can't play this game any longer, I can't keep pretending everything's going to be okay. I can't keep doing this, I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain.

I want to be held so badly, I need to be held I need it so badly. I just want to feel warm and safe and wanted and loved. I'm so desperate for something to happen I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so fucking tired, and I hate myself for having gotten this way.

 

[fleetingnight]

Please try not to blame yourself. If life itself wasn't enough to wear a person down, this forum wouldn't even exist. And you've been through a lot, anyone in your place would be exhausted by now

 

[anhedonya]

I can't even explain how much I relate to this post. When I was in a back and forth toxic relationship with an ex of mine, I often felt that I was letting my younger self down. She was supposed to be great- larger than life. And I'd destroyed her chances until both of us were nothing but ash and bone. This was extremely difficult to navigate and I still have my bad days.

What I learned is that our past selves are not as harsh as we believe them to be. The truth is younger me would feel immense compassion and sorrow for what I'm going through and she would offer me the comfort that she herself wasn't receiving from anybody at the time. It's a circle- you care about the girl you once were and she would forever extend kindness to you. You haven't let yourself down, you have been a survivor to horrific events, none of which were your fault at all. I often think about how much of a force of will my younger self was and feel sick at the husk of a person I am now- but that's the thing. Everything she believed in, everything she wanted for the world- she wouldn't blame me either and the fact that we're both still here even after everything shows inner strength. Your younger self is not dead, as I once thought about myself, she is simply in a different place than you right now.

I can't decide for you if you "should" live or not, but I can tell you that your dreams are achievable. You can still help cats out even if not to the same extent you thought of. You can still get involved with the medical field even if you're not ready to take on a surgeon role now or ever.

I see you trying and doing your best. I see you extending kindness to people every single day even though it'd be so much easier to become jaded and hateful. People forget- it's easy to give up and say the world is just useless. That people are awful. It's hard to try to see the good in others the way you do.

I hope you get that hug someday soon. I believe in you with all my heart.

 

[IanMichaelPeda]

I looked in the mirror today, and I couldn't even recognise myself. I've become so pale and sickly looking, the bags under my eyes are dark. The light from my eyes are completely gone, I look pretty much dead. I don't feel sad, or angry or happy anymore, I just feel so indifferent so numb to what is going on around me. I thought about younger me, how loving and kind she was, how she had such high aspirations. She wanted to be a surgeon and save a bunch of cats from abusive homes, she wanted to be successful, she was struggling but she pushed through it like a champ. I wish I could tell her how great and how worthy she was.

I've become a hollow husk of a person, I'm malnourished and isolated. I have no aspirations, no one to hold on to, nothing to live for. I crave for people to hurt me because I am so mentally fucked, I can't imagine it any other way. I'm alone and unwell, and I feel like I've let younger me down. She deserves much better then this, she deserves to be loved and to be happy and healthy. I've really let her down.

I try so hard to keep on living, I put a smile on my face and try to laugh it all off, thinking eventually I'll laugh so much I'll convince myself everything is okay. But it isn't, that is the harsh reality of the situation. I am unwell and deeply unhappy, I am alone and at my breaking point. I am so close to suicide, so close to ending it all and nobody knows how serious it is and how much pain I am in. I'm doing my best, I really really am, but it's just not enough. I don't know how much more I can take. It's nearly 4am and I just can't sleep because of how fucked it all is.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive, to try and have hope, to tell myself ctb will always be an option so lets give life another chance. But I am so deeply exhausted, I am burnt out, I am at my wits end. I can't play this game any longer, I can't keep pretending everything's going to be okay. I can't keep doing this, I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain.

I want to be held so badly, I need to be held I need it so badly. I just want to feel warm and safe and wanted and loved. I'm so desperate for something to happen I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so fucking tired, and I hate myself for having gotten this way.

I am the same way. I wanted to be a scientist when I was younger. I flunked out of college and that was the definitive statement of my life. I should have killed myself right then and there. I tried to, but in a half-hearted, unserious way by overdosing on extra strength Tylenol; I just vomited it up. I should have just bought a 12-guage shotgun and swallowed a shell.

It has gotten a little better for me, but I am still filled with much shame and hurt. I am now over 50 so I probably won't check the bus since I am very close to just passing of natural causes anyway.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

You haven't let your younger self down. She did her best with the tools she had available, just like you are doing right now. Part of being compassionate to your younger self is accepting what became of her, that it's okay to be who you are. None of us are perfect. I mean on Earth, not just on SaSu.

I believe that within each individual's perspective and narrative is somebody trying their best. Even if there are problems, would that person choose to do something they didn't want to do if they knew how to act otherwise?

I have to draw from my personal experience to express this kind of thing, so, I've got all my self harm scars. Nobody put those there but me. In lots of ways, I am directly responsible for those. I certainly can't blame others for the way I chose to cope with my emotions, but does that mean I should blame myself? If I choose that, am I responsible for my natural-born emotional sensitivity? For neurodivergence and the subtle yet chronic invalidation that came with?

It gets complicated and it impinges on my belief in any free will whatsoever, but you didn't choose your circumstances or your genetic propensities just like I didn't. You also no longer choose your past, just as I don't. My past is brutal lol. I am an addict. So now I have to accept that that's what my younger self did, if I want my present self to be able to make a new choice. I have to have compassion for that guy even though I'd rather not have a swollen fucking liver, be this ostracised, you know.

There is one tiny little corner where free will shelters among these concepts, and that is in the attention. I can choose where to direct my attention among the maelstrom of emotions and overstimulation, my attention is what I can control.

You can't forgive only your younger self, or only your present self. I found it really effective to focus on forgiving my younger self first and let that fall forward.

I'm sad at your turmoil and hope that I've managed to communicate some ideas that helped me, you may take or leave them as they may or may not help you but I hope it's not jumbled.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Please don't blame yourself too :(

 

[BojackHorseman]

I looked in the mirror today, and I couldn't even recognise myself. I've become so pale and sickly looking, the bags under my eyes are dark. The light from my eyes are completely gone, I look pretty much dead. I don't feel sad, or angry or happy anymore, I just feel so indifferent so numb to what is going on around me. I thought about younger me, how loving and kind she was, how she had such high aspirations. She wanted to be a surgeon and save a bunch of cats from abusive homes, she wanted to be successful, she was struggling but she pushed through it like a champ. I wish I could tell her how great and how worthy she was.

I've become a hollow husk of a person, I'm malnourished and isolated. I have no aspirations, no one to hold on to, nothing to live for. I crave for people to hurt me because I am so mentally fucked, I can't imagine it any other way. I'm alone and unwell, and I feel like I've let younger me down. She deserves much better then this, she deserves to be loved and to be happy and healthy. I've really let her down.

I try so hard to keep on living, I put a smile on my face and try to laugh it all off, thinking eventually I'll laugh so much I'll convince myself everything is okay. But it isn't, that is the harsh reality of the situation. I am unwell and deeply unhappy, I am alone and at my breaking point. I am so close to suicide, so close to ending it all and nobody knows how serious it is and how much pain I am in. I'm doing my best, I really really am, but it's just not enough. I don't know how much more I can take. It's nearly 4am and I just can't sleep because of how fucked it all is.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive, to try and have hope, to tell myself ctb will always be an option so lets give life another chance. But I am so deeply exhausted, I am burnt out, I am at my wits end. I can't play this game any longer, I can't keep pretending everything's going to be okay. I can't keep doing this, I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain.

I want to be held so badly, I need to be held I need it so badly. I just want to feel warm and safe and wanted and loved. I'm so desperate for something to happen I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so fucking tired, and I hate myself for having gotten this way.

I'm so sorry your feeling so bad. I totally get feeling fucking tired and hating yourself. I feel so fucking tired and overwhelmed sometimes. I feel like a disappointment to my younger self too. My entire school career was in preparation for me to be some grand scientist or something similar, so when I flunked out of college I felt like such a failure, to myself and to my family.
I understand you feel tired and empty like a husk of a person, but at your core your still the same person, your still that person worthy of love. I promise I know it's easier said than done, but please try to remember that. I'll be thinking of you, feel free to reach out if you need to vent. I wish you peace

 

[Malaria]

I relate to this post a lot. I feel like I let the younger version of me down too. It's hard to even live because of that. I feel like I wasted so many opportunities given to me. I fucked up horribly. I want there to be hope, but I don't know how to have hope in a situation like this.

 

[Yoyo_honeybee]

This made me tear up, I really relate especially with the part about the younger self. I wanted to be a doctor too and pushed through a lot to try and get there only to mess it up once my mental health struggles kicked in.

I think one thing to remember is that as long as you're alive you still have the ability to have a relationship with your younger self. If you choose to CTB that's your choice but as long as you're alive your younger self is too. Try and talk with your younger self more, tell them what's going on and that life turned out different to what you expected, you'll probably find that after the initial surprise, your younger self will be more sympathetic than you would've expected and see if you can work through things WITH your younger self at your side.

 

[cymbaline23]

I relate to a lot of what you said, as a kid I really thought things would turn out different for me. Now I'm isolated and alone, it's a painful feeling. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I've been like that from day 1. I never had any aspirations or things I wanted to do since day 1. I have always wanted to be dead tbh

 

[lizzywizzy09]

Yes, I literally grieve for the woman I could have been. Nobody will ever understand and that makes it hurt even more. In a way, I'm dead already.

 

[mrelief82]

I have simmilar thing, hate who i became and the life im in which isnt mine. There is No way to come back to self.

 

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

Yes, I literally grieve for the woman I could have been. Nobody will ever understand and that makes it hurt even more. In a way, I'm dead already.

This is me exactly. I'm grieving my own death and the life I could have had. If the "stages of grief" thing is accurate I'm probably on acceptance now.

In my notes app I have "It's as if I'm already dead and I'm grieving my own death" as the phrase I refined over multiple months as the most concise expression of my (then) current state. So I definitely understand.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I want to be held so badly, I need to be held I need it so badly. I just want to feel warm and safe and wanted and loved. I'm so desperate for something to happen I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so fucking tired, and I hate myself for having gotten this way.

when it's so relatable that it makes you cry.