Venting I hate the fact that my parents love me.

[doggiesarecute]

Sometimes I wish I had a shitty childhood or something, cause that would give me a reason to go. I hate to think about what will happen after my CTB attempt, my parents and grandparents probably will loose their minds. I don't have any visible signs of suicidal behaviour. My attempt would totally look like it's out of nowhere

 

[whywere]

Not to ever take anything away from you, your situation or your thread, but I was called "the mistake" by my "parents" till I was 18 then they kicked me out and I never heard from them again ever, 100% their choice. Also, they brainwashed my sister and brother and no one in my "family" has spoken to me since 1974.

I found out recently that I have a niece that moved into my area, never knew I had one, found her phone number and I was told to f*ck off and never bother her again.

So, with that said I would so ever long to have a family. All the time that I was growing up my "parents" called me "the mistake" to my face and all the time in public.

I care about you a lot and send you hugs and have a good week.

Walter

 

[Felodese]

Depression doesn't discriminate. No need to have a traumatic childhood. You can get depression of the blue - and suicidality as a bonus.

 

[doggiesarecute]

I found out recently that I have a niece that moved into my area, never knew I had one, found her phone number and I was told to f*ck off and never bother her again.

Damn any idea why? Did your parents shittalked about you or something?

 

[divinemistress87]

I get what you mean it would make it easier to ctb if they didn't. Don't get me wrong we are lucky to have a loving family but it doesn't take away the pain of life

 

[Ambivalent1]

I had a bad childhood and don't want to have to ctb. You insult me jk lol

 

[onbekend]

It sucks when you know you have people who care about you, That feeling of guilt is hard to overcome. The worst part about it is that there's no real way to lose that feeling of guilt that works for everybody, because It's all dependent on what's happened throughout your life. I don't feel guilt nearly as bad as I used to at the thought of suicide, I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it's just from the way I reflected on my life or the way I treated others throughout my life, I'm sure I'll feel plenty of guilt when the time comes to actually CTB.

 

[uncat_]

Not to ever take anything away from you, your situation or your thread, but I was called "the mistake" by my "parents" till I was 18 then they kicked me out and I never heard from them again ever, 100% their choice. Also, they brainwashed my sister and brother and no one in my "family" has spoken to me since 1974.

I found out recently that I have a niece that moved into my area, never knew I had one, found her phone number and I was told to f*ck off and never bother her again.

So, with that said I would so ever long to have a family. All the time that I was growing up my "parents" called me "the mistake" to my face and all the time in public.

I care about you a lot and send you hugs and have a good week.

Walter

yeah, exactly. im so jealous of you. you have a good reason do want to cbt, and not many reasons to guilt you into staying. itd feel so much more freeing to be able to cbt without guilt

 

[whywere]

Sometimes I wish I had a shitty childhood or something, cause that would give me a reason to go. I hate to think about what will happen after my CTB attempt, my parents and grandparents probably will loose their minds. I don't have any visible signs of suicidal behaviour. My attempt would totally look like it's out of nowhere

My "parents" wanted a boy and a girl, and they were to be their family. They had a son the first time around. The 2nd time I arrived, and they were pissed that I was not female. They wanted to leave me at the hospital. but back in 1956, it would have made them "look really bad" to abandon a newborn so I went home. 4 years later my younger sister arrived. They treated me very poorly and taught my 2 siblings that I was dirt and to stay away from me.

When I got kicked out at 18, I had a bag of clothes and no money at all. Being raised on a working dairy farm, I never got an allowance, nor could I work off the farm for any money. The only money I ever made is when I would hunt rattlesnakes for bounty and get paid by the county where I lived, Still remember those 10-to-14-foot snakes coiling, brings back memories all the time.

When my "parents" died they left my younger sister a hobby farm and cash, my older brother got 4 million USD and I got ZERO. When there was a funeral for the both of them, I was told by my 2 siblings to stay away and do NOT show up.

My sister taught my niece that I am dirt and to stay away and no contact.

I have not seen either of my siblings in a very long time.

No pity party ever, but when I say I did everything on my own and picked myself up by my bootstraps, I really did.

I have NEVER EVER been given anything that I myself did not work for.

That is why all the folks here are so darn nice and thoughtful, like YOU!

Have a great week, my good friend.

Walter

 

[astonishedturnip]

I'll admit that I feel a twinge of jealousy when I see posts about how a suicidal poster's parents OKed their suicide, spitefully encouraged them, handed them the gun and said "If you're too weak to handle life then do it," whatever...

Logically I know that this is cruelty and abuse, maybe empty manipulation or reverse psychology/scare tactics instead of sincere permission. And that nobody can envy such a poor relationship. But God do I wish my parents would tell me, "fair enough, we'll be fine, go and do it" because I would CTB just like THAT. Instead they are loving and supportive and I want to CTB because the mere idea of their inevitable deaths is enough to set me off into a suicidal panic attack smh.

 

[whywere]

I'll admit that I feel a twinge of jealousy when I see posts about how a suicidal poster's parents OKed their suicide, spitefully encouraged them, handed them the gun and said "If you're too weak to handle life then do it," whatever...

Logically I know that this is cruelty and abuse, maybe empty manipulation or reverse psychology/scare tactics instead of sincere permission. And that nobody can envy such a poor relationship. But God do I wish my parents would tell me, "fair enough, we'll be fine, go and do it" because I would CTB just like THAT. Instead they are loving and supportive and I want to CTB because the mere idea of their inevitable deaths is enough to set me off into a suicidal panic attack smh.

I know that everyone has their own motives in life, but I will admit, it is ALL over here, about my "parents". I can still, in 1974, close my eyes and seeing them drive away, after kicking me out at 18, with a bag of clothers, shoes and zero money. I had to right away try and find food and shelter and I wish with all my heart that I had a decent upbringing and at least warm memories but no.

I hope and pray that everything turns out great for you, as we are ALL in this as one.

I thought about this aspect today, as being 68, where in the heck did the last 50 years go? Said this because you might have warm memories where I never did.

Lots of love and have a great rest of this week.

Walter

 

[fleetingnight]

You aren't alone at all, I relate to this. I can cut off friends and vanish without a lot of them finding out, but not my parents

 

[Papa Shinai]

Literally staying alive for the loved ones

 

[doggiesarecute]

I'll admit that I feel a twinge of jealousy when I see posts about how a suicidal poster's parents OKed their suicide, spitefully encouraged them, handed them the gun and said "If you're too weak to handle life then do it," whatever...

Logically I know that this is cruelty and abuse, maybe empty manipulation or reverse psychology/scare tactics instead of sincere permission. And that nobody can envy such a poor relationship. But God do I wish my parents would tell me, "fair enough, we'll be fine, go and do it" because I would CTB just like THAT. Instead they are loving and supportive and I want to CTB because the mere idea of their inevitable deaths is enough to set me off into a suicidal panic attack smh.

I've seen a vid where parents did the same with the gun. Guy shot himself right there, parents were rolling on the floor in shock

 

[Fantasy22]

It doesn't matter if you didn't have a rough childhood/home life or family trama. Work, school, friends, loneliness, etc; Life sucks the joy outta everything so in the end we're all depressed and we're here. No matter the background I think everyone here is similar in that way (I mean ofc it's a suicide forum haha), so I don't think there's room or reason to judge

 

[Blueth]

I've wished this differently for years. If everything was a dream when I woke up and I was lonely from birth. Then everything would be easier. I wouldn't have to think about my family's psychology. And I could have died in peace.

 

[nner]

I totally understand you. It's so hard to think about how would they be if we go. I'm stuck here because of that. Suffering everyday.

 

[ChiseHatori]

Your case is surprisingly common, don't feel bad. This is coming from someone with a textbook messed up childhood and PTSD, among other things.

Everyone's brains are just different. I know you cant help it, but I don't want you to feel bad about your feelings or thoughts. They're valid.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

To be honest with you, if you had had a bad childhood, there would be something else making it hard for you to ctb. I think there always is. Ctb is so hard, even people that may have had a truly terrible life with nothing to lose have a hard time ctb.

Don't feel bad, mental illness doesn't discriminate and can occur to anyone and even with all the reasons in the world, you may feel incapable to ctb.