Venting I hate that I end up back here

[pushinguppoppies]

Not here as in this forum, it's lovely to be back. I don't really recognize anyone but you all seem so sweet.

Here as in suicidality. It's not the first time this year even I've thought about it, but it's the first time since I was 17 I've set a date. January 1st, 2024.

Everything feels bleak and pointless. I'm in constant physical pain and my brain is pretty broken from years of abuse. I'm a currently abstaining addict with an eating disorder that will likely kill me before my date even comes. I'm tired. I'm done. I want out.

I wish I could talk to my partner about this but he just lost his childhood cat and really doesn't want to hear about my bullshit. I don't want to burden him and I'm not sure he'd care this time. I've been in such a bad place for the entire time he's known me I don't think anyone could keep caring. He says he does but I'm not sure I believe that.

I talked to my best friend about it and she was really understanding, but it's not helped how awful I feel tonight. I'm gonna get drunk after I post this, real drunk, and I'll probably self harm. I don't care about what happens to me at this point.

I wish I could tell everyone in my life how I'm feeling, I wish I could get love and comfort and care, but they wouldn't. No one would and no one does.

I only hope my darling partner will care for my cat when I'm gone. She deserves a loving home.

I hate everything but them.

 

[Weltall]

Not here as in this forum, it's lovely to be back. I don't really recognize anyone but you all seem so sweet.

Here as in suicidality. It's not the first time this year even I've thought about it, but it's the first time since I was 17 I've set a date. January 1st, 2024.

Everything feels bleak and pointless. I'm in constant physical pain and my brain is pretty broken from years of abuse. I'm a currently abstaining addict with an eating disorder that will likely kill me before my date even comes. I'm tired. I'm done. I want out.

I wish I could talk to my partner about this but he just lost his childhood cat and really doesn't want to hear about my bullshit. I don't want to burden him and I'm not sure he'd care this time. I've been in such a bad place for the entire time he's known me I don't think anyone could keep caring. He says he does but I'm not sure I believe that.

I talked to my best friend about it and she was really understanding, but it's not helped how awful I feel tonight. I'm gonna get drunk after I post this, real drunk, and I'll probably self harm. I don't care about what happens to me at this point.

I wish I could tell everyone in my life how I'm feeling, I wish I could get love and comfort and care, but they wouldn't. No one would and no one does.

I only hope my darling partner will care for my cat when I'm gone. She deserves a loving home.

I hate everything but them.

I don't know your whole story, but I'm sorry that you're in pain.
Your partner might be suffering from grief, but you are also suffering.

If they love you, then they'll help you the best they can.
He's been with you this entire time and hasn't left, right?
There must be a reason to that devotion.

Don't bottle this up, and consider talking to them.
Rationally consider your options before your date.

No matter the choice, we just want you to be happy.

 

[pushinguppoppies]

I don't know your whole story, but I'm sorry that you're in pain.
Your partner might be suffering from grief, but you are also suffering.

If they love you, then they'll help you the best they can.
He's been with you this entire time and hasn't left, right?
There must be a reason to that devotion.

Don't bottle this up, and consider talking to them.
Rationally consider your options before your date.

No matter the choice, we just want you to be happy.

Thank you, sincerely. I'm just worried he'll try and stop me, or leave me. Which wouldn't matter I guess if I ended up ctb, but I really don't want more pain before I go. I will end up telling him in a few weeks most likely but I'll probably leave out the part where I have a date in mind. He's gotten really upset with me, not angry to be clear, when I've talked about it in the past. I hate seeing him upset and I hate that I cause him so much upset.

Logically I know he loves me a lot and he'd be there for me, but I can't shake the fear.

 

[Weltall]

Thank you, sincerely. I'm just worried he'll try and stop me, or leave me. Which wouldn't matter I guess if I ended up ctb, but I really don't want more pain before I go. I will end up telling him in a few weeks most likely but I'll probably leave out the part where I have a date in mind. He's gotten really upset with me, not angry to be clear, when I've talked about it in the past. I hate seeing him upset and I hate that I cause him so much upset.

Logically I know he loves me a lot and he'd be there for me, but I can't shake the fear.

If he's not angry with you, then he has genuine concern and love for you.
He doesn't want to see you hurt, and just wants you to be happy.
Like you said, you rationally know this at face value.

It's obvious you're scared of hurting his feelings, but he'd probably be scared more of losing you.

I can't give you advice, but consider the scenario you're placing yourself in:
You're worried he's going to leave you, but you have commited yourself to a date.

From that statement alone, it seems like you have nothing to lose by telling him.
Try to relax yourself the best you can, and rationally approach your problems without being clouded by your emotions.

 

[pushinguppoppies]

If he's not angry with you, then he has genuine concern and love for you.
He doesn't want to see you hurt, and just wants you to be happy.
Like you said, you rationally know this at face value.

It's obvious you're scared of hurting his feelings, but he'd probably be scared more of losing you.

I can't give you advice, but consider the scenario you're placing yourself in:
You're worried he's going to leave you, but you have commited yourself to a date.

From that statement alone, it seems like you have nothing to lose by telling him.
Try to relax yourself the best you can, and rationally approach your problems without being clouded by your emotions.

I will. It's why I've given myself the amount of time I have to make my choice. I might want it desperately now but I may not feel the same in a month if I pick the right options. I don't want this to be a stupid rush decision. I want to be sure.

 

[pushinguppoppies]

I ended up telling him, he figured it out and asked me, and he was really supportive. He didn't make me feel ashamed for being suicidal and he told me he didn't want to lose me and asked me to stay. I'm not sure I will, but it helped me feel a bit better.