I have a lot of issues concerning participating in college courses. I think many of them are pathological. Staying silent feels so wrong for me. Something in my brain urges me to participate. Maybe a little bit my manic symptoms or OCD.
Though I have recognized something. When I say something wrong I am experiencing extreme self-loathing. I really despise myself when I say something wrong. It also triggers often suicidality.
If I give an answer to an easy question I feel more or less nothing. It might be an ambivalent feeling. I feel a little bit like a loser because I am just answering the easy questions in order to look good in front of other people.
But even if I say something very intelligent I can't enjoy it at all. There are multiple reasons for that. When I say something very smart it can give me a lot of ecstacy. But I can't enjoy it at all. In fact if I get lost in this exciting feeling I turn manic. It takes huge energy in order not to get in the manic thinking patterns. It is extremely hard and frustrating. I have to deny me such a relieving and amazing feeling.
But there are other reasons why I struggle. I often pretend that I was smarter than I actually am. This is quite embarassing. Bullying as a teenager led me to this pattern of behavior. I am able to deceive some people into thinking I was smart but really smart people can look through my charade.
I am so insecure. My self-esteem solely relies on the way how other people are perceiving me. Even if I impress some people with witty statements it is pathetic to care so much about what other people think of me.
Moreover I have currently even some cognitive issues. (a little bit paranoia) I can't fully say if I don't interpret too much in some social interactions. Probably most people think way less about me than I assume.
In order not to get manic I am forced to depressive thinking patterns. It is so fucking hard to resist the mania. There is no neutral state in my head currently. Either I am quite depressive or on the edge of a new mania.
It is such an intensive experience. It is so crazy. It is really exhaustive. The self-loathing part is the worst thing. Though a new mania would probably mean that I had to kill myself soon.
I have the feeling some people recognize how much I worry what other people think of me. I think they have different thoughts on it. Some find it funny. Some even sympathize with me. At least the ones with whom I talk. I could imagine they think: There is a smart person who is really scared that other people think of him as stupid. And who is really obsessed by this. I rather find this is all quite pathetic. Though I am glad I can deceive at least some people. I often have the urge to hurt myself when all these thoughts become too much for me. I often pinch very hard in my arm when I am in a course. And my inner voice shouts at me that I want/need to kill myself.
Though I have recognized something. When I say something wrong I am experiencing extreme self-loathing. I really despise myself when I say something wrong. It also triggers often suicidality.
If I give an answer to an easy question I feel more or less nothing. It might be an ambivalent feeling. I feel a little bit like a loser because I am just answering the easy questions in order to look good in front of other people.
But even if I say something very intelligent I can't enjoy it at all. There are multiple reasons for that. When I say something very smart it can give me a lot of ecstacy. But I can't enjoy it at all. In fact if I get lost in this exciting feeling I turn manic. It takes huge energy in order not to get in the manic thinking patterns. It is extremely hard and frustrating. I have to deny me such a relieving and amazing feeling.
But there are other reasons why I struggle. I often pretend that I was smarter than I actually am. This is quite embarassing. Bullying as a teenager led me to this pattern of behavior. I am able to deceive some people into thinking I was smart but really smart people can look through my charade.
I am so insecure. My self-esteem solely relies on the way how other people are perceiving me. Even if I impress some people with witty statements it is pathetic to care so much about what other people think of me.
Moreover I have currently even some cognitive issues. (a little bit paranoia) I can't fully say if I don't interpret too much in some social interactions. Probably most people think way less about me than I assume.
In order not to get manic I am forced to depressive thinking patterns. It is so fucking hard to resist the mania. There is no neutral state in my head currently. Either I am quite depressive or on the edge of a new mania.
It is such an intensive experience. It is so crazy. It is really exhaustive. The self-loathing part is the worst thing. Though a new mania would probably mean that I had to kill myself soon.
I have the feeling some people recognize how much I worry what other people think of me. I think they have different thoughts on it. Some find it funny. Some even sympathize with me. At least the ones with whom I talk. I could imagine they think: There is a smart person who is really scared that other people think of him as stupid. And who is really obsessed by this. I rather find this is all quite pathetic. Though I am glad I can deceive at least some people. I often have the urge to hurt myself when all these thoughts become too much for me. I often pinch very hard in my arm when I am in a course. And my inner voice shouts at me that I want/need to kill myself.
