Qverty7455
Student
- Sep 28, 2019
- 195
I suffer from Body dysmorphobic disorder, OCD, personality disorder, social anxiety disorder and hard depression.
My self esteem was always 0 and I was always insecure and scared to talk to girls my whole life. But 2 years ago I found a girl online and I really liked her and that's when it started to get worse. I was scared that she likes me on photos but in real life she will think that I am hideous. I was checking myself in mirror or selfie cam every minute and comapring myself with celebrities and other people. Like I would put my photo and the theirs next to each other and compare both of us. I never found anything super weird but yet I looked terrible compared to them. Then I had my first relationship at 22 years which is kinda sad. In that age most of my friends already had a lot of girls. I really loved her but I was behaving terrible because the illness always kicked in when I had rough day and I was thinking I am ugly for her and she will change me for someone else. I sometimes wanted to be home instead of seeing her because I was scared I don't look good enough :( I started to be mean and wanted to CTB in the relationship 2 times. I failed (obviously) and was sent to psych ward. They gave me pills and tried to talk me out of it. They kept saying to me I look okay etc etc...but of course they won't tell you that you are ugly as sh** if you have this kind of illness. So I don't really know if people are talking truth or just trying to make me feel better. When I joined dating apps I had very little matches and no one really cared about me. I feel like I have something weird that makes others run from me :(( I am so sad in this life. I wake up everyday and I need to check myself in the mirror and I am always sad I want to scream I want to look different I have so many flaws but I can't get rid of them because it's mostly related to skull or other stuff that can't be easily fixed. My face is very crooked, my nose is big and disgusting, my widow peak got worse, I am hairy as hell and when I found a new job the new co-worker asked me if my father is monkey...for other people it seems funny but I am hurting inside a lot over the years. I don't want to live with this terrible illness anymore I just can't accept myself...I would like some girl that will like me and I would like to be with her forever. I thought I had her in my ex but since we broke up she was very mean to me I wished her happy christmas and happy new year and she didn't even reply...but maybe I deserved it and she wanted to get me out of her life. I can't force her to love me and I understand that she wants to be happy and I wasn't able to make her so. This illness took everything from me. My friends, my girlfriend, my family. I was scared to hang out with my friends so I lost them over the time.
This illness might sound easy and people might say I am just crazy and should accept the way I look. I know there are people on wheelchair etc but it won't help me. It even adds up to feeling worse because I hate the world even more. I am so sad there are people on wheelchairs or hideous that are sentenced to be sad and others that were fortunate to look good will make fun of them. I don't like today's world. I think that internet ruined everything. Everyone is so fake. Everyone on instagram is trying to look as happy as possible to impress others but I see how fake it is...most people care only about appearance, then they cry that the person dumped them and ask why is everyone so mean...of course they will dump you if they look amazing and you care only about the look but not about the person. I can't really explain it but I hope you understand. I can't find any joy in this life and I must leave. Last couple of years were a rollercoaster. I was happy with my ex and I wanted to make it...to be a better person and happy but I failed and over last couple of months I lost everything...I lost the will to live and change something. I don't see the point. I don't trust people because I know what they are capable of.
It's not that easy like to tell myself okay maybe I look alright and it's only in my head. I just can't do it. I tried over the 2 years and one day I am feeling better when I do my hair for example or shave my face but next day I wake up and I feel terrible. It's like a rollercoaster and I can't bear it any longer :( I go to bed and I don't know how I will feel the next day.
Sorry for venting I just needed to tell someone about the illness and how terrible I have been feeling over the years...My mum keeps telling me it's because I am bored and I have nothing to do...if I was working 24/7 and went to bed tired after working hard I won't have time to think about this bullsh**. When I was working I was checking myself on phone or in bathroom mirror...I was carrying noose in my bag and every day after work I would go to place and I wanted to jump with the noose around my neck so it's really not because of not working. The work made no difference it made me scared because I needed to look good because I was going out. No one really understands me. Everyone thinks I just exaggerate stuff and that I should face real problems. My friends think I am weird and don't understand me either. I am alone and lost in this world. I don't know about other illnesses much but I am sure they are terrible aswell but how can you survive if you hate yourself so much you want to scream and punch the mirror if you look into it? You can see the reflection of yourself almost everywhere...window, car window, tram window, shop window and there are mirrors everywhere...toilet, shops...just everywhere...you can't skip seeing yourself.
Maybe I am just crazy person that has no right to live...but how is this life I am living worth any more day...why should I torture myself? I don't see any improvement, it's actually getting worse every day. I can't force anyone to love me and I don't deserve anyone cool because that person would get crazy from me. I don't really know how to help myself and I am losing my last patience.
I hope you guys are doing better than I do and that you will find your way to be happy in the next year. No one deserves to suffer as much as we do and it makes me sad.
My self esteem was always 0 and I was always insecure and scared to talk to girls my whole life. But 2 years ago I found a girl online and I really liked her and that's when it started to get worse. I was scared that she likes me on photos but in real life she will think that I am hideous. I was checking myself in mirror or selfie cam every minute and comapring myself with celebrities and other people. Like I would put my photo and the theirs next to each other and compare both of us. I never found anything super weird but yet I looked terrible compared to them. Then I had my first relationship at 22 years which is kinda sad. In that age most of my friends already had a lot of girls. I really loved her but I was behaving terrible because the illness always kicked in when I had rough day and I was thinking I am ugly for her and she will change me for someone else. I sometimes wanted to be home instead of seeing her because I was scared I don't look good enough :( I started to be mean and wanted to CTB in the relationship 2 times. I failed (obviously) and was sent to psych ward. They gave me pills and tried to talk me out of it. They kept saying to me I look okay etc etc...but of course they won't tell you that you are ugly as sh** if you have this kind of illness. So I don't really know if people are talking truth or just trying to make me feel better. When I joined dating apps I had very little matches and no one really cared about me. I feel like I have something weird that makes others run from me :(( I am so sad in this life. I wake up everyday and I need to check myself in the mirror and I am always sad I want to scream I want to look different I have so many flaws but I can't get rid of them because it's mostly related to skull or other stuff that can't be easily fixed. My face is very crooked, my nose is big and disgusting, my widow peak got worse, I am hairy as hell and when I found a new job the new co-worker asked me if my father is monkey...for other people it seems funny but I am hurting inside a lot over the years. I don't want to live with this terrible illness anymore I just can't accept myself...I would like some girl that will like me and I would like to be with her forever. I thought I had her in my ex but since we broke up she was very mean to me I wished her happy christmas and happy new year and she didn't even reply...but maybe I deserved it and she wanted to get me out of her life. I can't force her to love me and I understand that she wants to be happy and I wasn't able to make her so. This illness took everything from me. My friends, my girlfriend, my family. I was scared to hang out with my friends so I lost them over the time.
This illness might sound easy and people might say I am just crazy and should accept the way I look. I know there are people on wheelchair etc but it won't help me. It even adds up to feeling worse because I hate the world even more. I am so sad there are people on wheelchairs or hideous that are sentenced to be sad and others that were fortunate to look good will make fun of them. I don't like today's world. I think that internet ruined everything. Everyone is so fake. Everyone on instagram is trying to look as happy as possible to impress others but I see how fake it is...most people care only about appearance, then they cry that the person dumped them and ask why is everyone so mean...of course they will dump you if they look amazing and you care only about the look but not about the person. I can't really explain it but I hope you understand. I can't find any joy in this life and I must leave. Last couple of years were a rollercoaster. I was happy with my ex and I wanted to make it...to be a better person and happy but I failed and over last couple of months I lost everything...I lost the will to live and change something. I don't see the point. I don't trust people because I know what they are capable of.
It's not that easy like to tell myself okay maybe I look alright and it's only in my head. I just can't do it. I tried over the 2 years and one day I am feeling better when I do my hair for example or shave my face but next day I wake up and I feel terrible. It's like a rollercoaster and I can't bear it any longer :( I go to bed and I don't know how I will feel the next day.
Sorry for venting I just needed to tell someone about the illness and how terrible I have been feeling over the years...My mum keeps telling me it's because I am bored and I have nothing to do...if I was working 24/7 and went to bed tired after working hard I won't have time to think about this bullsh**. When I was working I was checking myself on phone or in bathroom mirror...I was carrying noose in my bag and every day after work I would go to place and I wanted to jump with the noose around my neck so it's really not because of not working. The work made no difference it made me scared because I needed to look good because I was going out. No one really understands me. Everyone thinks I just exaggerate stuff and that I should face real problems. My friends think I am weird and don't understand me either. I am alone and lost in this world. I don't know about other illnesses much but I am sure they are terrible aswell but how can you survive if you hate yourself so much you want to scream and punch the mirror if you look into it? You can see the reflection of yourself almost everywhere...window, car window, tram window, shop window and there are mirrors everywhere...toilet, shops...just everywhere...you can't skip seeing yourself.
Maybe I am just crazy person that has no right to live...but how is this life I am living worth any more day...why should I torture myself? I don't see any improvement, it's actually getting worse every day. I can't force anyone to love me and I don't deserve anyone cool because that person would get crazy from me. I don't really know how to help myself and I am losing my last patience.
I hope you guys are doing better than I do and that you will find your way to be happy in the next year. No one deserves to suffer as much as we do and it makes me sad.
