Venting I hate myself I want to die.

[soulkitty]

I hate that I always feel watched I hate caring what other people think. I feel like I'm an attention seeker for venting. I'm so disgusted in myself. Why do I care so much about people it hurts. Sometimes I wish I could isolate myself for the rest of time. To have solitude forever. It's just a lot easier not being around or talking because I always mess things up. I want to stab myself over and over and over

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello,

I'm so sorry for what you're feeling - your post resonated with me.

I hate that I always feel watched I hate caring what other people think.

10 years ago I had been felt watched as well, and feared judgement from people. I no longer care what most people think, but still fear getting punished for being myself. And I actually get punished for it at work.

I feel like I'm an attention seeker for venting.

I don't think you're an attention seeker, but at least on this forum, venting is okay and thank you for posting this thread. Your post helps people, including me - it reminds people they're not alone.
(And I think I'm one of the worst attention seekers on this forum.)

I'm so disgusted in myself. Why do I care so much about people it hurts. Sometimes I wish I could isolate myself for the rest of time. To have solitude forever. It's just a lot easier not being around or talking because I always mess things up. I want to stab myself over and over and over

I used to hate myself so much, too. In my case, I had to care about people in order to avoid conflict.
And self-hate was extremely painful, so I cut myself in my arm. I don't recommend self-harm of course, but it was my only solace.

 

[anhedonya]

I hate that I always feel watched I hate caring what other people think. I feel like I'm an attention seeker for venting. I'm so disgusted in myself. Why do I care so much about people it hurts. Sometimes I wish I could isolate myself for the rest of time. To have solitude forever. It's just a lot easier not being around or talking because I always mess things up. I want to stab myself over and over and over

Sorry to repeat your post, I'm on mobile so it makes it easier to see what I'm responding to.

I'm sorry you're struggling with these thoughts but you're not attention seeking. There's something very odd with people who use that word to hurt others in the first place, because an integral condition of being a human being is wanting attention. We quite literally evolved from enjoying comfort and safety in groups and thus, would of course still want people to check in on us and listen when we're feeling down. It's extremely natural to vent and "attention seek" though I wouldn't call it that. And it's good you're speaking your mind as well, it's better to put it to paper than to leave it dwelling up there. You care about people because you're a decent person, and I wish there were more of those out there, but the lack of kindness so many people hold is not your fault. They've got their own stuff to work through.

From what you wrote, I don't think you "messed up" in an irreparable way. If someone felt upset by, I don't know, you calling four time in a row (example) then a small I'm sorry, I'll text after the first call next time, would do just fine.

Wishing you the best.