I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate what trauma left me as

[Water-Lily]

At 24 I am non functional. I cannot work. I have emotional toddler like breakdowns. I cannot manage finances. I struggle to communicate and express my true feelings since I am tired of being alone

This isn't who I was meant to be. Trauma and severe abuse made me this way. On the surface I was always "mature". I was always the "smart good kid". I was none of those things. I was heavily traumatized and abused. I was being abused in a way no one could see because I had no scars physically. I was being abused emotionally and covertly. I was being called names. I was being controlled, and my absuer dominated my life. I had no bodily autonomy or privacy or respect. I had no healthy love.

Put any child in that situation for almost 20 years, and you have someone who cannot function and survive in the real world

For a while I thought my friends could understand me. But the more I "healed" and talked to them, the more I realized that while they had their own traumas, I was severe. At least they were ablate say how they felt. They were able to do thigns on their own. They were allowed some level of freedom to grow. But my mom kept me on a tight leash. And my family did/does nothing. Only "only you knew how you felt. We couldn't understand you". Of course not. They were never on my side. They just let my mom abuse me and didn't step in. The signs were there, but they could not "do anything". Leaving me emotionally crippled and torn down.

It was not normal for my mom to take it upon herself to shave me. It was not normal for her to constantly insist on doing my hair and berating and abusing me every time I insisted on doing it myself. It was not normal for her to put me on a strict diet. It was not normal to abuse me and control me so heavily. And it was never about "me not being able to do it myself". She just wanted to control me. She just wanted to use me. She just wanted an excuse to have power because she could not function herself

Looking back my mom was severely non functional. She worked as a teacher for years, but she was always having some problem or complaint. Then she lost her job because she threatened to blow up the school, kill herself, and her kids. She was forced into therapy, only to scream and cry when the therapist asked her if she had childhood trauma. My mom did. She was molested, physically abused, emotionally, neglected, etc. It seemed like she had no love in her life either, but she let it make her become a monster. But she thrived because everyone enabled her. They allowed her to keep abusing, and hence she got away with abusing and ruining me.

When I would talk to my friends, as kind as they are, would just say "we're sorry you're struggling. We don't know what to say". How can they know? They have had decent families, no severe trauma or abuse, and decent to supportive parents. But I got the worst. A raging mom and an enabling dad. Hell my whole family is filled with non functional idiots. But at least some were able to hold down jobs. I am here unable to because my mom broke me too much

All this to say, I feel ashamed. The abuse wasn't my fault. I am where I am now because so many things were out of my control. I naturally can't be functional in the same way my friends are because their traumas or lives weren't as bad. I just feel so out of place being around them. I don't want to be around them. A mirror to the shame of who I am, and what I can't be like. I don't want "empathy" or give myself "compassion". Trying to love yourself is too hard and I can't keep doing this

I don't want to die. I really don't want to die. But I feel I have no choice

It doesn't matter that I am "young". It doesn't matter than I come off as "smart". What matters is that I am left defected and non functional because I was s horribly abused, worse in ways than my friends were. Because at least my friends had some freedom and autonomy. I didn't, and my family allowed my mom to get away with it. And now I'm "too sensitive" and should "get over it". But who was there for me? Who cared about me? I know when I suicide that will be it. They'll insist I was the problem and move on. I'm expected to be there for everyone, but who was there for me? Thats the life long damage of being the scapegoat. And now that I want to establish boundaries, I should do "better".

I genuinely feel like there is no way out of this. I barely have any energy to get out of bed. This isn't living anymore. This is just stagnation till I die.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you went through. It really is such a cruel and unfair world that we live in. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, it must be so unbearable. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Britvik]

I reckon there aren't many on this forum who love themselves. The last time I saw a psychologist was one year ago. My symptoms: constantly hating myself. I can be hyper-critical sometimes. It's so destructive. Whoever said we should practice forgiveness was very wise! It remains a challenge for me and probably always will be, but my life depends on it.

A note to myself (and you, if you like):
Take control of your life. Forgive whenever it's possible. Do your best. Help others.

 

[anonperson]

I relate 100%. Have you tried taking mushrooms alone in nature on a sunny day to connect with the Creator? My biggest regret is not taking mushrooms and microdosing on them sooner.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

What your mother put you through was horrific, no child should be controlled in such a way, your body and mind were forced to bear the brunt of your mother's failings. I am so sorry you had to go through this.

Unfortunately there are not many resources out there for people who have survived years upon years of abuse. Trauma is assumed to be temporary in most cases, when this couldn't be further from the truth. Some people are forced to endure chronic hell and it isn't simply a one off shocking event.

I think the thing that helps the most is being in a caring and supportive environment, but it is quite hard to find as an adult survivor of abuse. As you say, people want to shift blame and point accusatory fingers, citing inadequacy, when it is never a child's fault that they were abused. Never. And once the child is grown, they shouldn't continue to be scapegoated and victim blamed either.

I'm sorry you aren't receiving proper support from the people around you. How could many understand, when they've never walked a day in your shoes? I think it's unfortunately common that people with 'normal' childhoods simply can't fathom an upbringing that's the complete opposite of theirs.

Fundamentally, the course of their development went along an entirely different path, and their brains and bodies were shaped by a distinct set of positive experiences and memories that childhood abuse victims were cruelly deprived of.

I don't know what the solution is. I read a ton of research and keep up to date with what others in the scientific community have to say about complex trauma, and there is so much bs psychobabble being spit out by ignorant psychologists who are completely out of touch with what actual abuse survivors need.

Feel free to message me anytime if you need someone to vent to. I understand how horrible this pain is.

 

[Chiisai]

At 24 I am non functional. I cannot work. I have emotional toddler like breakdowns. I cannot manage finances. I struggle to communicate and express my true feelings since I am tired of being alone

This isn't who I was meant to be. Trauma and severe abuse made me this way. On the surface I was always "mature". I was always the "smart good kid". I was none of those things. I was heavily traumatized and abused. I was being abused in a way no one could see because I had no scars physically. I was being abused emotionally and covertly. I was being called names. I was being controlled, and my absuer dominated my life. I had no bodily autonomy or privacy or respect. I had no healthy love.

Put any child in that situation for almost 20 years, and you have someone who cannot function and survive in the real world

For a while I thought my friends could understand me. But the more I "healed" and talked to them, the more I realized that while they had their own traumas, I was severe. At least they were ablate say how they felt. They were able to do thigns on their own. They were allowed some level of freedom to grow. But my mom kept me on a tight leash. And my family did/does nothing. Only "only you knew how you felt. We couldn't understand you". Of course not. They were never on my side. They just let my mom abuse me and didn't step in. The signs were there, but they could not "do anything". Leaving me emotionally crippled and torn down.

It was not normal for my mom to take it upon herself to shave me. It was not normal for her to constantly insist on doing my hair and berating and abusing me every time I insisted on doing it myself. It was not normal for her to put me on a strict diet. It was not normal to abuse me and control me so heavily. And it was never about "me not being able to do it myself". She just wanted to control me. She just wanted to use me. She just wanted an excuse to have power because she could not function herself

Looking back my mom was severely non functional. She worked as a teacher for years, but she was always having some problem or complaint. Then she lost her job because she threatened to blow up the school, kill herself, and her kids. She was forced into therapy, only to scream and cry when the therapist asked her if she had childhood trauma. My mom did. She was molested, physically abused, emotionally, neglected, etc. It seemed like she had no love in her life either, but she let it make her become a monster. But she thrived because everyone enabled her. They allowed her to keep abusing, and hence she got away with abusing and ruining me.

When I would talk to my friends, as kind as they are, would just say "we're sorry you're struggling. We don't know what to say". How can they know? They have had decent families, no severe trauma or abuse, and decent to supportive parents. But I got the worst. A raging mom and an enabling dad. Hell my whole family is filled with non functional idiots. But at least some were able to hold down jobs. I am here unable to because my mom broke me too much

All this to say, I feel ashamed. The abuse wasn't my fault. I am where I am now because so many things were out of my control. I naturally can't be functional in the same way my friends are because their traumas or lives weren't as bad. I just feel so out of place being around them. I don't want to be around them. A mirror to the shame of who I am, and what I can't be like. I don't want "empathy" or give myself "compassion". Trying to love yourself is too hard and I can't keep doing this

I don't want to die. I really don't want to die. But I feel I have no choice

It doesn't matter that I am "young". It doesn't matter than I come off as "smart". What matters is that I am left defected and non functional because I was s horribly abused, worse in ways than my friends were. Because at least my friends had some freedom and autonomy. I didn't, and my family allowed my mom to get away with it. And now I'm "too sensitive" and should "get over it". But who was there for me? Who cared about me? I know when I suicide that will be it. They'll insist I was the problem and move on. I'm expected to be there for everyone, but who was there for me? Thats the life long damage of being the scapegoat. And now that I want to establish boundaries, I should do "better".

I genuinely feel like there is no way out of this. I barely have any energy to get out of bed. This isn't living anymore. This is just stagnation till I die.

Are we siblings? Haha. Jokes aside. I can totally relate to that. Having no freedom to be oneself because of the pressures of the parents and also from expectations of having to be confident can only lead to feeling lost in the end. I feel you.

 

[Water-Lily]

Are we siblings? Haha. Jokes aside. I can totally relate to that. Having no freedom to be oneself because of the pressures of the parents and also from expectations of having to be confident can only lead to feeling lost in the end. I feel you.

And then yuo become an non functional adult unable to cope and the world expects you to cope. And then you can't cope and then the world hurts you more. I feel the only power I have now is to end my life. Like the voice that everyone will hear is my own death. Though I wont be around to see who listens, I can at least know I screamed the loudest before I died
a part of me feels very alien. From society. Like everyone is living life normally and I am on the outside of everything. Unable to intermingle. Unable to fit in. Unable to function. Knowing I will never be filly healed to be like them because I have been damaged beyond full repair. I might, might be able to function to a certain degree. but I will always be fucked in a sense.

 

[Niko66]

I don't have it in me to make a proper response other than I really feel you. My abusive mother and absent father essentially destroyed any chances I had for a good life.

I too was the smart mature kid who's actually just abused and scared to be a nuisance, to ask for help, to express their feelings and needs and so I came off that way "mature kid" yeah right, scared to be a child because we never had the chance and now I am 25 and have the development of a child in so many respects. So many parents are enabled and freely abuse their children as property because there's no one to defend us and we cannot do it ourselves either at that age. The so important development years where we are most vulnerable and that will shape most of the rest of our lives, so many parents really have no idea. One bad day when you are a 30 year old stressed parent lashing out at their children, one bad day for them, a life long scar for us, now make it 20 years, how could anyone ever have a fair chance at life when this has been what they have lived? I am sorry you are in your situation, it's so very unfair, we deserved love, nurturing, encouragement, understanding, acceptance.

 

[Water-Lily]

I don't have it in me to make a proper response other than I really feel you. My abusive mother and absent father essentially destroyed any chances I had for a good life.

I too was the smart mature kid who's actually just abused and scared to be a nuisance, to ask for help, to express their feelings and needs and so I came off that way "mature kid" yeah right, scared to be a child because we never had the chance and now I am 25 and have the development of a child in so many respects. So many parents are enabled and freely abuse their children as property because there's no one to defend us and we cannot do it ourselves either at that age. The so important development years where we are most vulnerable and that will shape most of the rest of our lives, so many parents really have no idea. One bad day when you are a 30 year old stressed parent lashing out at their children, one bad day for them, a life long scar for us, now make it 20 years, how could anyone ever have a fair chance at life when this has been what they have lived? I am sorry you are in your situation, it's so very unfair.

This, this is the truth. Heck some people have abusive/narc parents but its not as severe. Like, what comes to mind is one of my favorite cartoon characters from a show called code lyoko. Ulrich Stern. Long story short his father is verbally and emotionally abusive. However he doesn't name call just puts him down and compares him. The mom just does nothing and expects him to be nice to his dad. Not to downplay his trauma (which is why he is such a loner and emotionally unstable in the show) but he is allowed to bring friends over. He's allowed bodily autonomy, and he is fairly independent. He wears whatever he wants, can do various things, etc. And so despite coming from trauma, it wasn't so severe to where he wasn't able to function. Especially since he has a great friend group outside of his family (and goes to a boarding school) he will eventually be better off. Of Course he will struggle in some way (trauma) but with how he was able to find connection and stuff as young as 11-12, he will be better off as an adult. If maybe I had something like this, where it was still shitty but I had basic freedom and autonomy, I might have faired better.

I had the severely monster extreme narcissism. And like you said many people are allowed to just abuse their kids and then enable it, and then expect those same kids to be tough. Like my grandmother made a comment about me being sensitive and my brother as being more "tough". Funny how she says that when she put him in a choke hold and attempted to knee him in the nuts last month, making him uncomfortable around her. So who's sensitive now?

This became more of a vent but I hope you understand

 

[anonperson]

Unfortunately there are not many resources out there for people who have survived years upon years of abuse. Trauma is assumed to be temporary in most cases, when this couldn't be further from the truth. Some people are forced to endure chronic hell and it isn't simply a one off shocking event.

Exactly, for some of us, every single day of our childhood was emotional abuse, pain, and unhealthy coping mechanisms/distractions where there should have been love, joy, and growth.

 

[Water-Lily]

Exactly, for some of us, every single day of our childhood was emotional abuse, pain, and unhealthy coping mechanisms/distractions where there should have been love, joy, and growth.

And when all of that has been damaged, you are left not being able to function. Like my own therapist mentioned how she had a narc mom. But she was allowed to work, she was allowed to drive, have people over, and was fairly independent. No where hear the severe narcissism I fucking had. Narcissism is on a spectrum. All narcissism is bad. But when you have extreme psychotic parents, then thats another level that therapy can't heal

 

[hopelessdreams]

i relate so much to ur post. the only difference is that my abuser is my dad. i'm scared for what is coming for me. i know my body is in survival mode right now and i will have to deal with al the consequences of this trauma later on in life. i can't imagine a life where i won't be bound to my family and trauma, they'll always have a grip on me. i don't want to be around for that time. i'm so sorry for what u have been through. i really can't say anything else, because there is no such advise for this kind of stuff. take care of urself, and whatever u decide to