Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Even with how bad my mom treated me and I mean she was fucking abusive to the max. Everything but sexual abuse but I'm pretty certain I experienced that as a very young baby/kid and she glossed over it. So... even with all of that I was determined when I lived with her that I would put in my will that she wasn't at fault bc she worried about that.
My friend sent me some/ a very good amount of money today to buy food and such. I bought cannabis capsules which ik she would "approve of" bc they help my mental state more than ant medication I take honestly. Admitting that to myself is weird bc I am still coming to terms with it but alas.
I was about to purchase a prepaid visa to buy SN. And I just... I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it knowing it's her money. I'm waiting till either disability send me some side funds or I get my regular cheque this weekend. I think they called me today but I was sleeping....
So tmrw... I will call again..I've switched workers within 1 month for whatever reason. I sent them a fucking message on this portal that is created and for whatever reason they have not answered but instead tried to call me through private number. Super frustrating. So tmrw I will both call and ask for their direct line and leave a message and wait for a call back. But UGH
All the shit my worker said and my friends say about me being a good person, strong, resilient, etc etc and deserving of good things well here it is the evidence that even though I am Self destructing into my own stupid vices it's true.
I just ordered some like more immediate cannabis product's (like the ones I ordered before are CBG & CBN capsules and will take a day or 3 vs the ones I ordered are CBD capsules & CBN gummies.) Which lemme clarify my friend has never and will never make rules on wtf I spend my money on/the money she send me on... but I myself have a moral compass that... is kinda high :/... and tbh now that I think if it anyone that talks to me is well aware ugh...
So long story short im crying bc I couldn't do it. I couldn't use her money knowing she wants me to live to buy something for me to die... FUCK. Well I'm waiting till either mid week or the weekend.
Ugh I hate myself on a different level rn. I NEED to at least obtain the method and here I am blocking myself bc of my own stupid fucking rules this is just so frustrating like why. Am. I. LIKE. THIS.
The immediate cannabis product's should be arriving in like 3 hrs but probs less. Might order food and eat. But we shall see.
Might order smthin big / substantial like jajangmyeon noodles or kimchi fried rice. Kimchi fried rice is more economical friendly bc it can be reheated but I think the jajangmyeon noodles are brought separately so both are an option possibly.
I wanna end my life as soon as possible but my own stupid fucking rules of life and morals are getting in the way..im so frustrated. I hope my address doesn't take too long regarding the SN. UGH.
That's all. Im just... well me
I'm gonna get my doctor to prescribe an antiemetic on Thursday when I see her will probs make it an online appt. Stress to her the nausea impact(which is actually tru tbh) and get that so I can yeah kno.
Check SN threads to see what else I need but I have a benzo just a longer acting one so yeee.
Im ready to get.this shit done. Will probs buy the aquatic test or just do a blood test shall see the merit in both ig.
I'm ready to go. I'm more than ready. I'm buried in my own grave and I'm ready to fucking end this shit. Close the coffin and all.
Sighs plz let my SN not take too long. Im close to resorting to hanging or drowning bc I'm that desperate but hanging is gruesome and drowning is undesirable in the summer bc I have a bug phobia and warm water sensory wise would disgust me. PLUS drowning in winter would be fucking amazing due to temperature reasons.
I wish it was winter. Anyway I'm just rambling at this point so I'm off to distract my brain till cannabis products come and I can sleep. Eating is a meh concept rn. So starving is more desirable but we shall see. Later.
My friend sent me some/ a very good amount of money today to buy food and such. I bought cannabis capsules which ik she would "approve of" bc they help my mental state more than ant medication I take honestly. Admitting that to myself is weird bc I am still coming to terms with it but alas.
I was about to purchase a prepaid visa to buy SN. And I just... I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it knowing it's her money. I'm waiting till either disability send me some side funds or I get my regular cheque this weekend. I think they called me today but I was sleeping....
So tmrw... I will call again..I've switched workers within 1 month for whatever reason. I sent them a fucking message on this portal that is created and for whatever reason they have not answered but instead tried to call me through private number. Super frustrating. So tmrw I will both call and ask for their direct line and leave a message and wait for a call back. But UGH
All the shit my worker said and my friends say about me being a good person, strong, resilient, etc etc and deserving of good things well here it is the evidence that even though I am Self destructing into my own stupid vices it's true.
I just ordered some like more immediate cannabis product's (like the ones I ordered before are CBG & CBN capsules and will take a day or 3 vs the ones I ordered are CBD capsules & CBN gummies.) Which lemme clarify my friend has never and will never make rules on wtf I spend my money on/the money she send me on... but I myself have a moral compass that... is kinda high :/... and tbh now that I think if it anyone that talks to me is well aware ugh...
So long story short im crying bc I couldn't do it. I couldn't use her money knowing she wants me to live to buy something for me to die... FUCK. Well I'm waiting till either mid week or the weekend.
Ugh I hate myself on a different level rn. I NEED to at least obtain the method and here I am blocking myself bc of my own stupid fucking rules this is just so frustrating like why. Am. I. LIKE. THIS.
The immediate cannabis product's should be arriving in like 3 hrs but probs less. Might order food and eat. But we shall see.
Might order smthin big / substantial like jajangmyeon noodles or kimchi fried rice. Kimchi fried rice is more economical friendly bc it can be reheated but I think the jajangmyeon noodles are brought separately so both are an option possibly.
I wanna end my life as soon as possible but my own stupid fucking rules of life and morals are getting in the way..im so frustrated. I hope my address doesn't take too long regarding the SN. UGH.
That's all. Im just... well me
I'm gonna get my doctor to prescribe an antiemetic on Thursday when I see her will probs make it an online appt. Stress to her the nausea impact(which is actually tru tbh) and get that so I can yeah kno.Check SN threads to see what else I need but I have a benzo just a longer acting one so yeee.
Im ready to get.this shit done. Will probs buy the aquatic test or just do a blood test shall see the merit in both ig.
I'm ready to go. I'm more than ready. I'm buried in my own grave and I'm ready to fucking end this shit. Close the coffin and all.
Sighs plz let my SN not take too long. Im close to resorting to hanging or drowning bc I'm that desperate but hanging is gruesome and drowning is undesirable in the summer bc I have a bug phobia and warm water sensory wise would disgust me. PLUS drowning in winter would be fucking amazing due to temperature reasons.
I wish it was winter. Anyway I'm just rambling at this point so I'm off to distract my brain till cannabis products come and I can sleep. Eating is a meh concept rn. So starving is more desirable but we shall see. Later.
