Venting I hate myself and I want me dead

[Shinobu]

I hate myself because i know I am a horrible person and I can not change. I had a girlfriend. I fucked up so hard in the relationship I didn't treat her right I did so many bad things and I loved her but I couldn't show it and I basically used her and I hate myself for it. I hate that I hurt her so badly and I hate she hates me and I hate I am such a bad person I fucked someone up so much to the point the wish they never met me and want me dead. I'm not even going to try and defend myself she was so nice loving and caring and I never apricated it and I hate myself for that and this isn't the first and if I continue living I feel like it won't be the last. I did so many shitty things in the relationship and I wish I didn't but I did and now she hates me and so many other people hate me I can't live in a world where people hate me I don't know why I just can't and I've fucked up before too I just keep doing it its like self sabotage and it hurts so much because I actually loved her I don't know why I did this too myself or why I do this too myself I can't help it. She was my first almost everything and I fucked up on that too I just made so many fuck ups and shes so pretty and amazing and smart and likeable and I feel like I tainted her I feel like this is horrible wording but I don't know how else to put it. I hate myself forthe way I treated her and others but I can't stop treating people I love and care about like shit and I don't want to live if everyone I love is going to end up hating me. I've tried to change to get better I can't I am just going to give up I can't do it anymore I cant I cant I just can't. and its like "oh your going to kill yourself over a relationship thats so dumb" but its not just this relationship its EVERY relationship ive been in ive just fucked it over and over and over even my friendships my best friends ive lost all because of me and it hurts so much everytime so bad I rather the physical pain of cutting myself then the pain i feel in my chest and my heart when I lose someone I care about because of me because of myself I just feel like I'm such a shit person that the world would unironically be better off with me dead and my continuation of living is a selfish act towards others. This summer I plan on doing it if everything goes well and I've saved up enough money. I hope it works. Living is genuine torture I can't live with myself and I feel like im doing all of this over nothing its not like I ever physically hurt someone it was all emotional but its still so bad I can't take it and i feel like im never getting better it feels like an inescabable hell like somedays ill feel better but it never does actually get better because its just a distraction on how shitty my life is and when theres nothing for me to do or distract myself with my mind wanders and it always wanders back to being in a relationship with her and its all I can think about and all I can think about is how I couldve done better and i HATE IT because its just like a permanent mental torture for me. Last night I had 2 dreams 1 was her basically for like 5 hours telling me everything bad I did calling me a horrible person and calling me shit and garbage and then I woke up went back to sleep and had another dream where we made up and started dating again and I woke up fucking crying because when I dream ive never had a lucid dream before they always feel extremely realistic so when I woke up for like 5 seconds I was genuinley happy thinking we made up and were back together then eveyrthing that happend post breakup flooded my head and it was too much to go from that to that and I just couldn't take it I cant take that every night i deadass can't do it anymore. Rereading this post I realize I probably have some sort of mental issue or something but im too lazy to figure that out.

Too add onto this she kind of gave me a second chance but by then I already hated myself and developed the "i dont give a fuck about anything anymore because Im going to die anyways so might as well be an asshole" personality that I developed and fucked it even more I actually hate myself

 

[MM's the name]

Well friend I hope your sorry.
Keep on improving and rectify your faults pray and ask God for forgiveness. Apologize to your girlfriend, she seems like a nice girl. Yeah it's not easy ask God for help, you can text me if you like. I'm a sinner too don't beat yourself over it too much, but you should change.
Jesus loves you and I do too.

Your choice friend.

 

[Davey40210]

I'm so sorry. It resonates with me a lot. I also had the best gf in the world and then treated her so badly that she eventually left me, after giving me so many chances. She was literally everything I wanted and I let her go.

Somehow its worse when you caused the breakup with someone you loved. Because you can only blame yourself.

For me it was like I found a solid gold bar and then threw it away because it had a little knick on the side. And then I have nothing and someone else now has it. Weird analogy I know but its just to illustrate the stupidity and how sorry I am for my misplaced ego.

I will try to CBT again tonight.. I hope I succeed this time.