Venting I hate my life but don't want to upset my family

[lwlaiet8887]

What do you think is the best thing to do if you want to CBT but don't what to upset your family? I'm honestly just so spiritually tired of life but I don't have anyway to go out discretely. I made a positive thread earlier but I'm just too tired of trying to swim up stream, feel like I'm done with this life and am not really enjoying being alive anymore.I've done everything that I enjoy with my means, I just feel like I'm dragging my feet through the mud for very little reward. I'm so conflicted on this, my life satisfaction is next to 0 but I don't want to ruin them. What pains me the most is how deterministic life is, I can never be the person I want to be so why keep on trying? It really pains me to see people who won at life when I'm stuck being a meek loser who hates themselves. What would you do in this situation? I've already written my suicide note and have spoken to my family how I feel. I feel like one of those people who abruptly CBT and no one expects it. I don't act out I just come across as being dull and fed up. I'm going to try & write some more to explain how I feel and leave as much behind as I can. I don't want them to feel guilty.

I'm currently suffering from respiratory illness which I always get this time of year, and since my body holds no fat I'm freezing my ass off. I seriously hate this.

The past 5 years of life I've lived have really cemented my idea to CBT. I can speak about it if anyone is curious, but imagine being repeatedly sick & ill/injured chasing a goal that you desperately wanted that was out of your means. All whilst all of the friends you had as a youth got on with their lives and found their place, all of the women who ever had interst me had left, I'm not a romantic and would never burden anyone with my pitifulness, but it meant something to me at the time and broke me as I felt inadequate. I felt extreme loneliness too but that has also passed, it used to give me chest pains and keep me restless at night.

I know it's not going to get better unless I completely switch my brain of and just cope. Although I don't think I can do that anymore, I've been doing it for too long and now I feel broken. My death will devastate my family but I just want to go.

I'm also considering taking myself somewhere remote since I don't want them to see my body. Although I'd love to die at peace in my bedroom.

I have never felt like I belonged in a body, I have always been introspective and lost in thought without the need for companionship. This flesh prison really sucks and I can't think not that's best to cease it. I have been trying to stay positive but I feel this death rattle inside of me and the absurdity of the world is becoming too much to bare.

TLDR; What's the best way to CBT without burdening your family with guilt & trauma?
( Speaking to my mother today prompted this change in thought, she's a stellar individual and managed to uplift me a bit but I'm no longer feeling the joy)

 

[Kempel556]

Thats quite impossible, even if you try to further explain to them how you are planning on CTB chances are they aren´t going to take it in well and just do everything they can to prevent it from happening and they will always feel guilty its just the way things are i suppose
You can try to talk to them but I dont think it will work
Hope this can help you out, be safe

 

[lwlaiet8887]

Thats quite impossible, even if you try to further explain to them how you are planning on CTB chances are they aren´t going to take it in well and just do everything they can to prevent it from happening and they will always feel guilty its just the way things are i suppose
You can try to talk to them but I dont think it will work
Hope this can help you out, be safe

That sounds like something I would say. I already told my mother infact but that was at the height of my depression although not long ago, now I'm seemingly normal. I will try write some more for them to explain how feel. I'm just venting too. Life is so tiresome

 

[Kempel556]

That sounds like something I would say. I already told my mother infact but that was at the height of my depression although not long ago, now I'm seemingly normal. I will try write some more. I'm just venting too. Life is so tiresome

Life really is a continuos cycle of pain and suffering. Wish you all the best with your future plans

 

[spacehardware]

I am in a similar position to you, I weigh this quandary up all the time. At the moment my thoughts are that I have put others first my whole life and I have to do this one thing for myself. I am living purely so that I don't upset the people around me. And I think if they could truly conceptualise that, and understand the depth of my misery and exhaustion, they might understand, some day, why I feel I can't continue to live like this.

I don't think there is a best way to do it. Any way will devastate the people who love me. I used to think that making it seem natural, or indirectly suicide, might hurt less, but I think I was deceiving myself. I think remote is a good option, I don't want someone I know to find my body. Other than that I don't think there is much we can do to lessen the inevitable devastation.

 

[lwlaiet8887]

I am in a similar position to you, I weigh this quandary up all the time. At the moment my thoughts are that I have put others first my whole life and I have to do this one thing for myself. I am living purely so that I don't upset the people around me. And I think if they could truly conceptualise that, and understand the depth of my misery and exhaustion, they might understand, some day, why I feel I can't continue to live like this.

I don't think there is a best way to do it. Any way will devastate the people who love me. I used to think that making it seem natural, or indirectly suicide, might hurt less, but I think I was deceiving myself. I think remote is a good option, I don't want someone I know to find my body. Other than that I don't think there is much we can do to lessen the inevitable devastation.

Yes I'm equally conflicted. I think I'm going to go in my bedroom but I will cover myself up. I'm trying to write enough to explain how I feel so hopefully they understand and don't feel guilty, it's a personal thing for me. They were always good to me. I'm tired of this suffering and discontentness. I never liked this world either and always felt it was a shame how cruel it was. Just don't feel like I belong here at all unless I can somehow return to my unaware hermit lifestyle which isn't going to happen.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it's so dreadful having to suffer in an existence you hate but anyway I wish you the best, to me this cruel world could never be a desirable place to exist in.

 

[JordanF]

I'm in a similar spot in life. The one thing I know for certain is that I'm not going to CBT in my own house and I don't want my parents to see my body.