Venting i hate my autistic brother and i wish he never existed

[fishygirl]

older sister to an autistic younger brother with a serious health complication. hes 18, but has the thought capacity of about 10 yrs old.

per request of my mom, i chaperoned (stalking his every move in a crowded noisy venue for over 4 hours) for him and a friend of his at NYCC [comic con] today.

i arrived earlier at the venue to collect our badges. im inside the venue for a bit with my boyfriend, (who also went ofc) when i get called to meet up with my brother and his friend at a different entrance, after they were dropped off by para-transit.

within the ~10 minutes it took me to get outside the venue and locate him, him and his friend got scammed by some asshole who sold them fake/expired badges (even though i told them we were meeting up because i had the badges already...)
it infuriated me so badly that not only did they lose money so stupidly, but also that someone would prey on someone whos VERY obviously below average intelligence.

i already had a conversation with him about ignoring strangers talking to him. (or say: no thanks, and move on.) and that convo was after a homeless man recently got him to give him all the money he had on him... which was money my mom gave him for something else.

it infuriates and frustrates me. hes not even my child. but i feel the burden. the whole day today, as i watched over my brother and his friend, i felt so sad and frustrated. knowing that their moms had to deal with them every day.

a part of me wants him to be happy and safe- but if he was gone, i wouldnt have to worry about:
-his future, how he functions in society
-my mom's ability to care for him as she ages (shes 55)
-what happens to him after my mom dies
-the expectations on me to take care of him unconditionally

thinking about it, it really makes me hate him.

growing up, ive had to take him places in my free time, care for him alone, feed him, give him medicine, educate him, discipline him, and then get hit and cursed at. i hate it. and my mom? can she really be blamed for giving me some of the burden? for taking her frustrations out on me? dealing with the monster that is my brother?
i feel so bad for her- hes a burden, im a burden. he's also spoiled, prioritized. her little angel. i can understand, but it hurts all the same.

if he was gone, my worries would be gone. maybe my mom would have been kinder to me if she wasnt so stressed out with him. maybe things would be better.

i just... it makes me want to kill myself quicker, to avoid seeing the disasters caused by my brother, and what happens as both him and my mom age...

 

[itsgone2]

just... it makes me want to kill myself quicker, to avoid seeing the disasters caused by my brother, and what happens as both him and my mom age...

I feel sad reading this. I have a somewhat similar situation. Similar in that when I try to picture 10 or 20 years from now, I just can't. It overwhelms me. Couple that with some other issues and ctb comes up as an actual solution.
Side note but I recently realized I must be slightly autistic. However when I think of autism I picture your brothers symptoms so idk. I suppose there are levels

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's understandable you would feel overwhelmed by this. I suppose it depends on beliefs really. Personally, I don't like parents who have multiple children to effectively become parents to their siblings. It's happened in my family too. With less disability and responsibility but, it's still there.

But then truthfully, I'm antinatilist deep down. I rarely have any sympathy for parents. They brought it on themselves. They ought to have considered the possibility they may have children with ongoing special needs.

I feel so bad for you. I can appreciate that you still love your brother and your Mum but, we're all only human. Life's hard enough just looking out for ourselves. It's not his fault but, he must be a huge responsibility to have to look out for. Does your Mum do at least most of the care?

 

[_Maya]

I understand your frustrations, taking care of someone, especially with a learning disability like his sounds like hell.
You have no obligation to take care of your brother, it doesn't matter if he's disabled, unable to care for himself, etc etc. You have no obligation.
People always say you should take care of your family no matter what just because they're your blood, but you shouldn't. He isn't your child, he's your sibling, and your mom shouldn't be making you do her job even if she's old.
If you still want to care for him, by all means continue doing so. But you shouldn't let people guilt you into feeling like you have to stay trapped constantly caring for him for the rest of your life just because he can't take care of him self.
There are solutions of course, care homes, caretakers for people with severe learning disabilities like him exist. You mentioned him and his friend getting scammed, maybe find him a friend who's smart enough to prevent that? Teach him not to do anything without you/your moms permission (but im guessing you've already tried that.) A lot of these are easier said than done, but i'm just spit balling idea's here. I'm some random person on a forum, do your own research on how to help him and you might find a solution.

 

[fishygirl]

I feel sad reading this. I have a somewhat similar situation. Similar in that when I try to picture 10 or 20 years from now, I just can't. It overwhelms me. Couple that with some other issues and ctb comes up as an actual solution.
Side note but I recently realized I must be slightly autistic. However when I think of autism I picture your brothers symptoms so idk. I suppose there are levels

im sorry you feel it too... overwhelming is exactly the feeling. </3

autism is diagnosed on a spectrum, so i definitely would not doubt having autism just because its not as "severe" if that makes sense. every person with autsim functions differently.

It's not his fault but, he must be a huge responsibility to have to look out for. Does your Mum do at least most of the care?

thank you♡ i partly agree with you- the parents must be ready to bear any burden that comes with a child.. but autism is usually not diagnosed right away, and honestly i cant blame parents for not being ready to deal with it. its just unfortunate all around.

to answer your question, yes, my mom does most of the care, she always has, there just has been a lot of moments where she has to shift the care to me. i also moved out a couple of months ago so that has helped, but im helping her from time to time regardless.

to clarify- when i was younger, it was a lot of actual physcial taking care of him since he couldnt do most things himself. now that hes older, he just has to be surpervised and "managed" if that makes sense.
but he definitely is not capable of acting completely on his own. right now its more of a mental load than anything.

There are solutions of course, care homes, caretakers for people with severe learning disabilities like him exist. You mentioned him and his friend getting scammed, maybe find him a friend who's smart enough to prevent that? Teach him not to do anything without you/your moms permission (but im guessing you've already tried that.)

thank you- i like how you mentioned care homes. i definitely thought of it, and it basically seems to be the most likely solution. but in the end, its a money problem. who pays the care homes if my mom or i cant? (we cant). its a hypothetical question. i hope it doesnt come to do that. actually, caretaker is a more realistic option but doesnt solve the living situation.

and yea, we always tell him to just listen to us haha. but another problem is that hes also kinda just a (spoiled) brat lol so he wont listen to us/ignore us sometimes. a result of my mom's coddling.