You're not dumb. You made a mistake, and it's one that should be rectified by school systems everywhere. Way back around 1999 Harvard U released a study that indicated we have it backwards. Smaller children are the ones who do well getting up very early in the morning; teens have an inner circadian rhythm that makes very early morning school attendance very, very difficult for them. This is a physiology issue—not a question your worthiness to be in the band or your competence.
My children were also very much attached to their band classes and performances, so I understand your desire to do well, and as a soloist, to be there, ready to go, on time. Unfortunately, nature has made the adolescent body function much much better later in the day than 5:30 AM.
If you were my friend, or my student (I taught for a few years, but not band), or my own son or daughter, I would ask you what you thought about just laying it all out in the open to the band instructor. "Here's what happened. I'm devastated. I feel a lot of responsibility to the band, and I want to do better. Can you help me think of ways to do so?"
When you are honest (here's what happened), and when you make it clear to your teachers that their class is valuable to you, that you want to be there, most will respond favorably. That's what they love—enthusiasm for their class and enough respect to just say, here's what happened; I know I messed up.
Everyone, every single person, makes mistakes. High school is a really challenging time. You're feeling pressure—and that's understandable. You've got good intentions. You can probably overcome these things. You just need some help, and that's what your instructors are supposed to be there for.
I do agree that you have gotten good advice from someone else on this thread—maybe you can find otyer musical groups to play with. You have passion for this—my god, that's beautiful. Music is one of the finest things in life, and yiu can play it? And solo? Celebrate yourself—even if you did make some mistakes.
It hurt you, I can read that in your words. But that's because you actually care about your class and you have integrity to feel a responsibility to your bandmates. These are all qualities that make you a good person—even though this hurt you.
To answer your original question: all the time. E thing can make me spiral, yes. But I'm so much older than you, and I never had any way of understanding that the ways my parents failed me made me believe I was unworthy in every way. So yes, one small thing, yes, I can right back down that rabbits hole. It's been decades of this. You're young enough to turn it around now. And I really really hope you will. You deserve a good life. And the world always needs musicians. Yes, I'm serious.
