Venting i hate having to hold back sh

[luks]

i've been a cutter since i was a preteen. my whole right leg/thigh is basically ruined with huge scars (and various other places). i probably havent cut since november of last year. my girlfriend would get really upset and after seeing how it affected her, i've tried my hardest to stop (she also made me give her my knife for awhile). however these urges have been so strong lately, and i really just want to cut up my whole body. i miss the feeling of having control, the adrenaline, the dopamine afterwards. there was something so satisfying about seeing my pain be heard on my skin, regardless of how fucked up it looks.

other people in the past have touched my body is ways i wish i didnt let them. having the power to say "its my body and i decide what to do with it", is one of the most freeing feeling. but i know i'll just hurt my partner and the rest of my friends. sometimes i wish my self harm would just be an accepted part of "me", rather than something that pains my loved ones. i wanna hurt myself so much

 

[huxIey]

It honestly sucks how it also affects people around you. My last relationship ended because of personal problems which included my self-harm. My ex always started saying how it pained them to see me covered with scars and such but it's just something I couldn't explain. How it makes me feel, how it has become a part of me. I also wish people in the street didn't stare at my arms like if I was some monster or something but guess it'll never happen.

 

[helpls]

Honestly lol the entire reason why I'm alive is because of sh.