Discussion I hate feeling suicidal

[Lara Francis]

I really dont know what is happening to me atm.
I think i have reached my breaking point and that place of no return.
I feel so distant from life almost as if i am a ghost walking amongst the living.
I feel empty,cold and lost and i have no sense of belonging in this life.
My body is so so tired no matter how much sleep i have and eating and even breathing takes so much effort.
I observed people yesterday and their ability to laugh and be happy - i once had that but now i am so far removed from happiness ive forgotten what it feels like.
I attended a dbt course and everthing made no sense and it did not help at all.
They talk about getting the right balance in life and how the scales can tip.
The use of coping stratigies etc etc ...
My cpn came today,i tried to put her off but she was insistent.I should have made a greater effort to pretend but i couldnt even do that! Now she is worried and mentioned a 136 section ! I didnt even listen in what context she was referring this to.
I really dont think the mental health professionals really understand ,what is hospital going to do for me,how does talking bring me happiness and i love for life that i lost years ago ?
When i walked in the park a few days ago,i felt a floating and acceptence type feeling and a feeling that i was closer to my dead husband and it felt nice.

This forum is full of people who seem so nice,kind and caring but life has dealt us the worst hand and its truely unfair.
In these times,it brings comfort and reassurance to know how to end our suffering on our terms.I think some people may just like to think about suicide and thats as far as it goes and that is perfectly ok - tbh i may have been one of those people when i first signed up.
They compare grief to being on a shipwreck - sometimes the water is calm,at other times the waves are that high that they drag u under and u cant breathe and at other times;you are left clinging the the wreckage left behind.!

I am proberly talking shit,please forgive me.I cannot stop thinking about suicide and now fear its true reality.
I really hope that it is a nice experience and we do get to be with the ones we love.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

( I probably shouldn't post this , but it is a response ... however misguided and wrong , please take it with the best of intentions , and tell me to fuck right off with my insensitivity ... that'll be fine , and probably well justified .)

Hi Lara ...
I've read your posts , I don't really have anything to help , beyond the possibility of naming and modeling your own inner world components.

I'm a ways off doing that , but am a little closer I think .

I have found it helpful to identify the 'panic attack' emerging from anxiety and trauma and , whatever it is .

There are loads of models of our inner world.

What I think I am gradually doing is realizing my inner model of identifying my relationship with existence is an
ongoing dynamic between my feelings inside about me , and my thoughts and feelings about my life
circumstances ... they jump around and clash or align negatively .

It's so hard to think when we are hijacked by our emotions ( for all the best reasons , ... our brains are trying to help , they just don't co-operate ! ( I know it isn't hat simple , I'm just continueing my attempt at self understanding while typing to you .)

I can go from 'ok , I can deal with this ' ( even some 'that's ok' sometimes ) to , fuck this I'm bailing , very quickly , so I'm no " in control " balanced person .

Sorry for this load of tosh ( although I believe in it ... ) , the jist is ... I think it's helpful if you can value some modeling in your own way , about what's going on for you , inside your emotional / thought process. )


I know it's a big ask .

When I was younger , I got into art in a big way , and years later I realized it may have been a two pronged thing.
I got lost in drawing ( still lifes and landscapes ) in an avoidant kind of way , but also it was very soothing , and it was my first attempt at modeling the world from my perspective .

Everyone is different and has there own slant on things , also , we are all the same in our separateness
and isolation in our heads .

Sorry for doing another bastardized version of some god awful therapy technique that is just bloody irritating .
The world can be a horror show on a good day without our own minds giving us trouble .

I'm 55 , and have taken a long time towards self acceptance .
Forgiving myself for fucking up my life and now just beginning to be kind to myself.

I know that dbt therapy workshop was bullshit from your perspective ... (I remeber rejecting some 'four foundations of health ' stuff my therapist wheeled out years ago ) ,

I have a 'friend' I have cut ties with because he was so fucking negative and used magical religious thinking to self jeapordise ( reduced himself to a zero personal agency victim because 'god and the devil and hell ) .
I could totally relate intellectually , but on a visceral level it was seeing someone trapped in a self persecuting world view.
We cling to ideas about the world that destroy us , because they are 'bigger than us' and make sense some how.

Those soul destroying ideas are just ideas .
Unfortunately we can absorb them to the point they become the world as we understand it .. to the point that we viscerally , with our whole body , react to life according to those self destroying models .

All we have is the model in our heads .


( Now you thought YOU were talking shit , ha )

 

[Lara Francis]

Thankyou @Temporarilyabsurd
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