Venting I hate feeling everything so intensely

[astrichaoz]

I feel all my emotions so fucking much. Sadness, anger, nervousness etc etc, I feel them so intensely and I don't know why I do and it's so exhausting, it hurts so much. My chest feels so heavy right now with crushing sadness and I can barely fucking breathe.

I'm so sick of this, I don't want to wait to end my life in March, I want to end it now. I wish I was 21 instead of 18 or something so I could go out and buy a gun and end it all right now. I don't like guns, but I'd get one if it meant I could be gone by tonight.

Its been getting worse lately, and I have noone to talk to. My only friend doesn't care or love me I think, and he has his own problems so I'd rather not bother him, I'd rather help him with his issues instead. I feel so alone. My mom's been getting aggressive since my sadness is getting more visible I guess and threatening to call the cops on me and get me baker acted, as if that's going to really help.

I don't need help, I don't want help, I'm not mentally ill or anything like. Everyone wants to die I think, and I've felt so sad for so long that I think its normal to keep this way honestly, it's not an illness like everyone around me tries to tell me. I hate it. I hate this I hate everything.

I need to just have patience, I so badly want to just try and down whatever pills I have in my cabinet right now and hope for the best. But I know I can't rush it, I rushed my last attempt and I was on the verge of death and then found and "saved" and locked up in a ward. Once I get into my dorm, I'm hoping everything will be smooth sailing and I can get everything I need for my CTB plan.

I don't know what my plan B is going to be, I've experimented with partial hanging in the past and can never get it right. I don't know. I'm praying everything goes right, that I get all the stuff I need, that the time passes by fast, and then March arrives and I'll finally be at peace.

This got way off topic from what I was originally talking about lol, sorry about that. I know I mainly post to whine and complain but I feel safe here, this place is definitely a comfort for me and all the people here, so please excuse my long whiny complaints that I sometimes post lol. Thanks for reading if you did ♡

 

[lemonbunny]

Its been getting worse lately, and I have noone to talk to. My only friend doesn't care or love me I think, and he has his own problems so I'd rather not bother him, I'd rather help him with his issues instead. I feel so alone.

i feel this rlly hard, the loneliness of having no one to talk to sucks. i try to be happy while talking to my friends bc they dont rlly give a damn. i hope being able to vent on here makes u feel better tho, ik it does for me <3