Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,182
I have a deep seething rage. Anyone who hurts me in any way, be it by ignoring, out right calling me names, or even just my projection, pisses me off. When I am mad at someone my rage extends into murderious thoughts. Wishing the person was dead, wishing I could kill them, etc. I don't intend to go to jail for murder so I do nothing with these thoughts. But years of abuse made me hate humanity. I hate how everyone is better than me at something. I'm a 23 year old who gave up on life. I know that I will either do one of 2 things. I will either end my life or hurt someone so badly out of rage I will have to end my life. I cant imagine bouncing back from "redemption" and fessing up my crimes to an officer or therapist. Once you hurt someone you can never go back to normal. People will hate you and always see you as an abuser. You have effectively ruined your life at that point. And maybe I want that deep down. An excuse to ruin my life so I am forced to suicide because I would be a bad person. Overall, everyone around me is doing better. In my social circle everyone either has a job, graduated, has a boyfriend, has good friends, or no trauma. Life has failed me miserably, and I will take It down with me. Fuck revenge being "living your best life". I want people to care. I want people ot see my pain. I want to hurt those who hurt me. I want everyone to love me in a way I can't beloved when im alive. If I die everyone will be forced to stare art my dead body and grieve. Even if its just for a second, I will at least know I mattered. Sometimes suicide is the only way to know someone cares and I'm willing to do it for a possibility of something I will never see.
