After my first time at college I understood something. There is no advatange to participate during lectures. I mean by that the lectures with more than 100 students in one room not the seminars with a handful of people. The professors won' remember you. There is no reward. It is rather pathetic and useless. It costs energy and I try to save that for studying the content which is also better for my health.
I was abused by my mom as a child. I am pretty scared about authority figures. I usually approach them in the following way. "Dear emperor overlord! Highest majesty of all beings. I adore and admire your infinite wisdom please fulfil me my naive desire to ask you a question and waste several seconds of your precious time..." This is usually how it goes. By the way I also communicate in this exact way with the mods of the forum. This is the only way they still allow to spam the forum with all my threads. (This is irony.)
I want to say by that I am a little bit too scared about authority figures. I am pretty formal in my communication with them. But I usually avoid bootlicking. Maybe I am doing it when I am anxious but I also hate myself for that. I only do it when it is necessary. This means I don't do it during lectures. I am pretty good at looking, smart, concentrated, interested in the topic and eager. (probably because it is often true)
But I don't participate usually. Recently a prof asked me to answer a question despite the fact I did not raise my hand. It was so fucking anxiety inducing. I have social anxiety and I almost froze. This is one reason why I prefer online lectures. I felt ashamed afterwards for being so insecure.
There is like a competition who cuddles the balls of the professors the most during these lectures. I don't give a fuck about that. As long as it is irrelevant for my grades I will spare me that stress and humiliating competition. Sometimes the professors are so jovial and I am not buying it.
There is ambivalence inside myself. I respect them too much. But I don't want to show that more often than needed. I cannot change my nature and I also don't want that. But I am often still inside myself this 5 year old child who is so fucking scared to be beaten up by my mom for basically nothing. It will never leave me as long as I live.
in Germany there is usually a pretty formal communication with lecturers in contrast to the US.
I was abused by my mom as a child. I am pretty scared about authority figures. I usually approach them in the following way. "Dear emperor overlord! Highest majesty of all beings. I adore and admire your infinite wisdom please fulfil me my naive desire to ask you a question and waste several seconds of your precious time..." This is usually how it goes. By the way I also communicate in this exact way with the mods of the forum. This is the only way they still allow to spam the forum with all my threads. (This is irony.)
I want to say by that I am a little bit too scared about authority figures. I am pretty formal in my communication with them. But I usually avoid bootlicking. Maybe I am doing it when I am anxious but I also hate myself for that. I only do it when it is necessary. This means I don't do it during lectures. I am pretty good at looking, smart, concentrated, interested in the topic and eager. (probably because it is often true)
But I don't participate usually. Recently a prof asked me to answer a question despite the fact I did not raise my hand. It was so fucking anxiety inducing. I have social anxiety and I almost froze. This is one reason why I prefer online lectures. I felt ashamed afterwards for being so insecure.
There is like a competition who cuddles the balls of the professors the most during these lectures. I don't give a fuck about that. As long as it is irrelevant for my grades I will spare me that stress and humiliating competition. Sometimes the professors are so jovial and I am not buying it.
There is ambivalence inside myself. I respect them too much. But I don't want to show that more often than needed. I cannot change my nature and I also don't want that. But I am often still inside myself this 5 year old child who is so fucking scared to be beaten up by my mom for basically nothing. It will never leave me as long as I live.
in Germany there is usually a pretty formal communication with lecturers in contrast to the US.
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