Venting I hate being AFAB

[myopybyproxy]

i completely agree op. my body feels wrong. no other way to describe it. i wish i could unzip my skin and walk away from this ridiculous flesh suit.

i hate everything about being female as well. fragile and weak and cant go anywhere unaccompanied because a man might not be able to control himself. im trans (nonbinary) and i hate the beauty standards too because theres no way i can win. if i try to look more feminine im just ugly and no one wants me and i hate myself. performing femininity feels gross and unnatural. this body is a costume, i tell myself - anything to get through each day without shredding my skin to bits. and yet if i try to look more the way i want and make my outside match my inside im pathetic because my body will never let me forget its existence and no one wants the real me for who i truly am and i hate myself.

other things i hate about being female: i hate being short. i hate how i can exercise for hours a day and eat 100+g protein and yet my brother who puts in half as much effort is twice as muscular. i hate how i eat a single tiny carb or cheese or sugar and then all i can think about is food. i hate how i have a fucking eating disorder and still cant fucking get the body i should have been born with. no matter how much fat i lose or muscle i gain, my hipbones will always protrude and scream 'excellent fetus factory, this'. my skeleton is flawed. i am a mistake down to my very bones. i hate having a vagina and menstruating and being fertile. the word itself disgusts me. i disgust myself purely because i am female.

the female voice repulses me. i find it brash and abrasive. all humans are shaped in such a silly manner, but the female shape nauseates me. i am pansexual - looks are not a consideration as much as personality - but aesthetically, females look horribly deformed to me. i look at my female relatives and query how i am related to that.

i hate the socialisation females get and how society expects them to live. too much to list here. it makes me too angry. and resigned. nothing i can do to change this shit. why bother thinking about it.

though i guess this is the sort of hype i need to get myself in the right mindset so i dont back out. like a girl would. because the rate of attempted vs completed suicide by sex is yet another point i use to berate myself.

and yeah, this is a large part of why i want to be dead. cest la vie i suppose.

 

[greyautumnsky]

I respect what you are saying, and there is a lot wrong with our culture. But to look at gender issues without taking into account caste could lead to misleading conclusions.

You just did the whole, "I see you said something but you're wrong and here's why" thing that men do.

I didn't understand the point you were making with the rest. Not going to engage with it.

If you care about men's rights and men's mental health... feel free to make your own post about it. The AFABs and folk with prickly relationship with their female bodies are discussing the how and why. In very real and not theoretical ways here.

Back to the rest.

Female socialization is infuriating.

How we are expected to cater to men is dehumanizing.

Being socialized out of anger, being punished for it, and not taught how to feel, process, channel, or manage it in any way is a mindfuck.

Etc etc etc.

It might be procedure to ask since there are other ways to prevent pregnancies, but those do cost some money (not sure how much various things cost but if you have sex a lot it might add up).

I'd literally followed procedure. Done the paperwork. Done the counseling. I didn't need another "are you sure you want to do this" and attempt at being talked out of it for the hundredth time. When, clearly, my body could not handle another pregnancy.

What should have been done was my medical record reviewed. The paperwork confirmed. Being asked if I was ready for the procedure and for final verbal consent. Being informed that it was done.

Men don't get hassled this much. Not at all.

The fact that I'm even being questioned about the validity of my experience is so infuriating.

 

[SadJessu]

I relate to this so much. I'm not trans and don't particularly have dysphoria, but I genuinely hate being female. My boyfriend, the love of my life, is a misogynist. I don't really like to throw around that term often, but yeah. He listens to a certain 'streamer' who constantly shits on women, and hangs out on 4chan gathering opinions from other misogynists. It hurts like you wouldn't believe and honestly I'm beginning to hate myself more than ever. I have fantasies of tearing out my uterus just to be rid of the trouble. I just want to be a stoic strong man and trade in this disgusting body. It's probably one of my main reasons to CTB honestly.

 

[hans0solo]

(AFAB = Assigned Female At Birth)

How do I even begin this... I hate everything about being AFAB. Absolutely everything. I failed at every chance of having a decent life when I was born, bullshit country, bullshit family, bullshit time, but being born biologically female hurt the most of all.

Being AFAB is equal to being always in pain. Something always hurts me. I fucking hate these female organs that I didn't consent to have. If I spend little time in hte cold my ovaries hurt lioke crazy and I have to always pee. Two-three weeks ago I experienced the worst pain ever... well, down there, such an unbearable pain that I felt like screaming and since then I decided that I can't go through this anymore and that I can't wait to ctb. Even if I wasn;t sex repulsed I still wouldn't have sex because anything, ANY FUCKING THING that goes down there hurts me the most, more than anything that has hurt me in my whole life. You'd think that breasts would hurt less but nah, like a few days after I experienced the worst pain ever I experienced also the worst pain ever there. And then there's also breast cancer, I once eavesdropped a conversation between my sister and my mother talking about how my grandma had something up there and that it is ... ah, how the fuck it is said I don't remember... it is transmitted and passed on through generations and it could develop into breast cancer and with that either me or my sister could have this and I suspect it is me but of course that my sister or mother never told me this cause why the fuck would they care 1 second about me, I had to eavesdrop it.

Then there's pregnancy that can happen WIHTOUT HAVING PIV CONTACT. You read it well. I have severe tokophobia (fear of pregnancy) and mostly because of this. I once read a thread on r/childfree about a woman who never suspected that she could be pregnant, like she did have no signs at all and then.... she suddenly gave birth, with no signs of pregnancy at all prior and aftet that she gave the baby to adoption. It sounds like stuff from horror movies. It's absolutely awful.

Then there's societal pressure. How you have to make up, shave and pluck your eyebrows and just be perfect looking. I only shave and pluck my eyebrows for my own not because of society (which at the top who take the decisions are some old stinky dudes) that told me to do so. However plucking my eyebrows is especially painful. I'm kinda perfectionist and I hate it when there's hair outside my eyebrow shape, but I always cancel pluckig cause it's so fucking painful. Last time I almpst cried of pain.

Then there's the rampant misogyny every fucking where and what worries me the most is the femicide happening in Latin American countries. Women always end up tortured then killed there it's absolute nightmare.

There;s also rape that could happen anytime, anywhere to anyone and it's the scariest shit ever. This is why I'm always anxious.

I never consented to having a hole between my legs, a shitty uterus that ''CarRriES mAgICc'', ovaries and breasts. But of course I can't get rid of them because it's ''muh body muh choice'' when it comes only to tattoos or something like that and me living in a religious conservative hellhole I have absolutely no chance to even get STERILIZED.

If I had the choice to select my biological sex it would be male in a heartbeat. However genderwise I will never feel male or female which makes me be non binary, but biologically any fuckong thing is better than being female.

If I can hide me being AFAB then I'm happy. But in the end I still want this life to go fuck itself for being absoliute torture.

Edit: I also want to talk about how as an AFAB you only gain fat because of ''muh reproduction'' that this shitty evolutuon put over us. I wanted to put on some muscles since 2019 but I just slightly had my arms nicely sculpted and in rest I just gained more fat then I just gave up.

if you are in physical pain, it could certainly be because of : PCOS, PMDD, vaginisimus, etc. or other medical issues. That would certainly make your experience of woman-hood something you didn't like. You are allowed to dislike the way patriachy defines you. The medical profession is not great in diagnosing female issues. You are allowed to not like the issues of femme maintenance. As you mention, in this day and age, you have choices like not having be 'girly'. You can be androgenous, a butch lesbian, non-binary, etc. Of course, each choice in life has its consequenes and you have to decide what best fits your desires. I have a few friends who are natalist and had to fight to get a tubal ligation. You might also be autistic, as many woman find out later. If you want to end things, as many people in my radical mental health community say, you might as well live the way you want before that happens. Make yourself happy.

 

[blueclover_.]

I agree with you, I hate a lot of things about being a woman. Like, starting my period at 9 when I was still mentally a lil kid. I'd end up leaking everywhere cuz I had the heaviest periods thanks to PCOS. Being 9 and bleeding through your pants in public, so traumatic. The periods were always so painful too nd I got low iron. Eventually started taking birth control to deal with my PCOS problems but then I find out that its apparently really bad for yo, causes cancer, causes infertility and also it kills my libido completely.. but if I dont take BC I ccould get cancer apparently. Great optioms...

Also growing up as a girl your whole appearance is constantly scrutinized and you're bullied for it. I changed so many things about my appearance and wore makeup a lot, straightened my hair a lot and it was so annoying, even wearing glasses as a girl everyone says its ugly but contacts burn my eyes so much. At one point I just felt like "what am I doing all this for??" It was usually guys criticizing my appearance too and they were always unattractive and poorly groomed themselves but I still let their opinion get to me bc Im insecure..

Totally relate to this. I also got my first period at the age of 9. It was humiliating, scary, and traumatizing. Even though I knew it was natural because I've read the biology textbooks, it still felt embarrassing to literally bleed through your pants in public. I was a particularly clumsy kid, and dealing with period leaks were very stressful. I still remember feeling anxious of my classmates finding out that I've started my periods at the age of 9, our culture is so misogynistic that even menstruation is still taboo in many places.

i completely agree op. my body feels wrong. no other way to describe it. i wish i could unzip my skin and walk away from this ridiculous flesh suit.

i hate everything about being female as well. fragile and weak and cant go anywhere unaccompanied because a man might not be able to control himself. im trans (nonbinary) and i hate the beauty standards too because theres no way i can win. if i try to look more feminine im just ugly and no one wants me and i hate myself. performing femininity feels gross and unnatural. this body is a costume, i tell myself - anything to get through each day without shredding my skin to bits. and yet if i try to look more the way i want and make my outside match my inside im pathetic because my body will never let me forget its existence and no one wants the real me for who i truly am and i hate myself.

other things i hate about being female: i hate being short. i hate how i can exercise for hours a day and eat 100+g protein and yet my brother who puts in half as much effort is twice as muscular. i hate how i eat a single tiny carb or cheese or sugar and then all i can think about is food. i hate how i have a fucking eating disorder and still cant fucking get the body i should have been born with. no matter how much fat i lose or muscle i gain, my hipbones will always protrude and scream 'excellent fetus factory, this'. my skeleton is flawed. i am a mistake down to my very bones. i hate having a vagina and menstruating and being fertile. the word itself disgusts me. i disgust myself purely because i am female.

the female voice repulses me. i find it brash and abrasive. all humans are shaped in such a silly manner, but the female shape nauseates me. i am pansexual - looks are not a consideration as much as personality - but aesthetically, females look horribly deformed to me. i look at my female relatives and query how i am related to that.

i hate the socialisation females get and how society expects them to live. too much to list here. it makes me too angry. and resigned. nothing i can do to change this shit. why bother thinking about it.

though i guess this is the sort of hype i need to get myself in the right mindset so i dont back out. like a girl would. because the rate of attempted vs completed suicide by sex is yet another point i use to berate myself.

and yeah, this is a large part of why i want to be dead. cest la vie i suppose.

I understand that too well. This is why euthanasia should be legal. We didn't ask to be born, especially into certain conditions which automatically increase our chances of experiencing suffering. I hate having a female body so much that I just want to mutilate the parts that make me a female human.

 

[summers]

I relate to this so much. I'm not trans and don't particularly have dysphoria, but I genuinely hate being female. My boyfriend, the love of my life, is a misogynist. I don't really like to throw around that term often, but yeah. He listens to a certain 'streamer' who constantly shits on women, and hangs out on 4chan gathering opinions from other misogynists. It hurts like you wouldn't believe and honestly I'm beginning to hate myself more than ever. I have fantasies of tearing out my uterus just to be rid of the trouble. I just want to be a stoic strong man and trade in this disgusting body. It's probably one of my main reasons to CTB honestly.

Aren't you enabling his misogynism by staying with him? Why would you stay with someone who hates what you are as a person? Genuine questions - not being rhetorical.

 

[kittymagic]

What to use as barrier? U can use a bra. What can I use? I tried with underpants, you know not tights. But real old fashioned underpants, but they crawl up my butt and are just annoying. But they keep the things in the middle away from my thighs.

A combination of tights and old fashioned underpants could be a solution. Maybe I should design some. I don't know. I'm just lost. It makes me want to die. Seriously.

Maybe just get surgery to get it cutted off. I don't know. It's so fucking annoying.

I haven't read all the comments so apologies if someone else already suggested, but there's a brand of men's underwear called "ball hammock" (lol) that sounds like it might be great for you. It has a little pouch to hold yer bits.

 

[vinie]

I still remember feeling anxious of my classmates finding out that I've started my periods at the age of 9, our culture is so misogynistic that even menstruation is still taboo in many places.

I relate to this way too much. I got my period at the ripe age of 10 and immediately thought that I had a bad case of a leaky bowel movement. Granted, I was in denial, as I was made to perceive grown women as emotionally unstable, sexually ambiguous and generally less intelligent or philosophical. Me getting my period meant that I was going to 'embrace' those feminine stereotypes against my own will. I refused to change my pads in school, hid my newfound 'woman' from my friends and barely spoke about my body with anyone. I even bled through my pants a few times in school, but I just tied a hoodie around my waist and proceeded on with my day with an uncomfortable pool in between my legs. It got even worse once my breasts and hips started developing, as I ended up severely underweight in order to look more like a child.

Though I still cannot put my finger on some of my actions when I was young, I was actively trying to stay away from being perceived as dirty. I was molested when I was in pre-school and this was just a another attempt to block out the sexual trauma. Of course, now as a more mature woman, I cannot disagree more with how my gender identity is perceived. Cisgender and transgender women are made to believe that they have to obey certain standards in order to be 'normal and attractive', which is downright disgusting. Discouraging young girls from doing certain activities or changes by saying that boys won't like them will always be sickening.

Not to blame 'society' for everything, but how can so many people be so brainless.

 

[Kennish]

I haven't read all the comments so apologies if someone else already suggested, but there's a brand of men's underwear called "ball hammock" (lol) that sounds like it might be great for you. It has a little pouch to hold yer bits.

Thx.i have just ordered a pair. Hope that it will solve my problem. They where expensive but hopefully they will be worth it