Venting i had the best day of my life only to be ruined by my BPD.

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

I was so happy, I was so so so fucking happy. I havent felt real hapiness in FUCKIGN YEARSSS and all because I am infatuated by them it all crashed all down. I really thought that this was going to be the thing that would make me wanna live for a really long time and IT SHATTERED IN FRONT OF ME NOW I CAN'T STOP CRYING I HATE MYSELF SO FCKING MUCH I CANT HAVE SHITTTT WITHOUT MY HEAD JUST RUINING EVERYTHING I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELFFFFFFF AAAAAAAAAAA

I wish I felt that way again without it feeling so bittersweet but it has been destroyed for me and I hate it because the reason is so fucking stupid that I don't want to repeat it I'm actually that fucked in the head that the littlest thing destroys everything. I will never find content with my life. I swear to god if I cannot even have maid I'm just going to kill myself/ let myself get kidnapped and killed off there's literally no reason to try and find hapiness because I don't know what i want that isn't "I wish I was born to parents who loved me followed by siblings who didn't treat me like shit, and had a childhood that wasn't traumatic and a relationship history that doesn't make me want to die thinking about." because thats LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN BECAUSE THE PAST HAS ALREADY BEEN SET IN STONE!!! i need a FUCKING LOBOTOMY at this point having humanity was a fucking mistakeeee aaaa I fuckin hate being a woman I wished i fucking dieddd.

I'm going to see a doctor next week to get diagnosed and if they don't take me seriously/ get my treatment-resistant depression actually treated, it's set in stone. I'm going to just kill myself. I REFUSE to be in a hospital after 10 YEARSSS of going in and out and not being helped.

 

[blitz]

BPD is fucking awful. I wish I had the words to help you but im struggling alot myslef with this. I truly hope you get the help you need from the doctor.

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

BPD is fucking awful. I wish I had the words to help you but im struggling alot myslef with this. I truly hope you get the help you need from the doctor.

I'm crossing my fingers this is the thing that turns my life around but I have high doubts cuz I've been to this hospital before and there's little hits and a shit ton of misses.

 

[synthcadia]

I was so happy, I was so so so fucking happy. I havent felt real hapiness in FUCKIGN YEARSSS and all because I am infatuated by them it all crashed all down. I really thought that this was going to be the thing that would make me wanna live for a really long time and IT SHATTERED IN FRONT OF ME NOW I CAN'T STOP CRYING I HATE MYSELF SO FCKING MUCH I CANT HAVE SHITTTT WITHOUT MY HEAD JUST RUINING EVERYTHING I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELFFFFFFF AAAAAAAAAAA

I wish I felt that way again without it feeling so bittersweet but it has been destroyed for me and I hate it because the reason is so fucking stupid that I don't want to repeat it I'm actually that fucked in the head that the littlest thing destroys everything. I will never find content with my life. I swear to god if I cannot even have maid I'm just going to kill myself/ let myself get kidnapped and killed off there's literally no reason to try and find hapiness because I don't know what i want that isn't "I wish I was born to parents who loved me followed by siblings who didn't treat me like shit, and had a childhood that wasn't traumatic and a relationship history that doesn't make me want to die thinking about." because thats LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN BECAUSE THE PAST HAS ALREADY BEEN SET IN STONE!!! i need a FUCKING LOBOTOMY at this point having humanity was a fucking mistakeeee aaaa I fuckin hate being a woman I wished i fucking dieddd.

I'm going to see a doctor next week to get diagnosed and if they don't take me seriously/ get my treatment-resistant depression actually treated, it's set in stone. I'm going to just kill myself. I REFUSE to be in a hospital after 10 YEARSSS of going in and out and not being helped.

bpd is a fucking nightmare and i alsp relate to what you said. my gf also has bpd. i guess i'm in my "stable" period rn, but when i'm not stable i feel like i lost my balance on my wobble board and life isn't worth living. thinking about everything that has happened to me makes me wish i died sooner sometimes. also, whenever i think about my exes i just want to die.

i'm scared of getting diagnosed. i also don't want to be institutionalized. for me, i'd feel like a failure bc in my family i am the "better" or more favored child, the one who can achieve a lot.

i wish i could give you a hug. <3

 

[MrDarkness]

The love of my life, she made my world so bright, but because of the idiot I am I ruined it, all the joy came crashing down and I attempted that day, Fuck do I still miss her

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

bpd is a fucking nightmare and i alsp relate to what you said. my gf also has bpd. i guess i'm in my "stable" period rn, but when i'm not stable i feel like i lost my balance on my wobble board and life isn't worth living. thinking about everything that has happened to me makes me wish i died sooner sometimes. also, whenever i think about my exes i just want to die.

i'm scared of getting diagnosed. i also don't want to be institutionalized. for me, i'd feel like a failure bc in my family i am the "better" or more favored child, the one who can achieve a lot.

i wish i could give you a hug. <3

I hope things get better for u. Having high expectations put on u seems like hell on earth if it all falls apart. Honestly these past few months have been a literal exhaustive roller coaster of emotions that I can't get off of. I want to die but the timing right now is so fucking bad because everyone thinks I'm getting better when in reality I'm preparing for my death.

Thinking about my exes has been one of the very fuels of why I want to die. I'm not like everyone else and move on like any other person, it's like a literal cancer on my brain that I can't get out of my head.

Also yeah getting diagnosed is a mixed bag I hope you get a psychiatrist who understands or at the very least gives you medication, but treatment for BPD is a pain in the ass because there's no direct treatment, just sub-treatments like anti-psychotics or mood stabilizers. DBT(Dialectical behavior therapy) didn't do much for me either and that's known to be really good for BPD patients.

And yeah, I'd like a hug right now. Or at the very least my family telling me that they love me or something.

 

[synthcadia]

I hope things get better for u. Having high expectations put on u seems like hell on earth if it all falls apart. Honestly these past few months have been a literal exhaustive roller coaster of emotions that I can't get off of. I want to die but the timing right now is so fucking bad because everyone thinks I'm getting better when in reality I'm preparing for my death.

Thinking about my exes has been one of the very fuels of why I want to die. I'm not like everyone else and move on like any other person, it's like a literal cancer on my brain that I can't get out of my head.

Also yeah getting diagnosed is a mixed bag I hope you get a psychiatrist who understands or at the very least gives you medication, but treatment for BPD is a pain in the ass because there's no direct treatment, just sub-treatments like anti-psychotics or mood stabilizers. DBT(Dialectical behavior therapy) didn't do much for me either and that's known to be really good for BPD patients.

And yeah, I'd like a hug right now. Or at the very least my family telling me that they love me or something.

me: *wants to be a vtuber*
family: "that's not a job"
me: ok ig i'll be a lawyer then

thank you duo, and i also hope things get better for you too. it is kinda hell and i guess it's my fault for making even higher expectations for myself. i don't even feel full satisfaction when i meet them. e.g. i got a 4.0 this semester in college and a 3.98 last semester (taking 18 credits) and i felt… empty.

i also understand the "getting better while i'm getting worse" thing. i mean ig i don't tell people other than my gf when i'm not fine but i've just been meh lately.

yeah, the exes are burned into my mind. makes me kinda sick. i am constantly reminded of it. i think about how i felt like most of them were my life and then when they were gone, i felt dead. i hate how… attached i was. i mean, like if my gf died then i'd die. i'd actually ctb.

i'm mega scared to get diagnosed bc i don't want it to fuck up law school. but eh, my plan was to die before i was 40 if i wasn't happy.

the lack of treatment or the kind of treatment scares me a bit. tbh i am my own psychiatrist.

hey i'm proud of you. if that helps.

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

thank you duo, and i also hope things get better for you too. it is kinda hell and i guess it's my fault for making even higher expectations for myself. i don't even feel full satisfaction when i meet them. e.g. i got a 4.0 this semester in college and a 3.98 last semester (taking 18 credits) and i felt… empty.

No worries! Also congrats on the high score! I dropped out of college ages ago and my overall grade was embarrassingly low compared to how I was back in high school. Surprisingly it doesn't really get to me cuz most of my siblings have dropped out of college and are doing pretty ok for themselves. Also I'm employed to a decent job that required little to no college experience so I'm guess I'm lucky in that aspect.

But yeah college isn't memorable for me and I'm glad that it hasn't affected me as harshly cuz I'm gonna be honest, I didn't think I'd make it to college.

i also understand the "getting better while i'm getting worse" thing. i mean ig i don't tell people other than my gf when i'm not fine but i've just been meh lately.

The only person I can trust with my thoughts are my brother. He's also just as suicidal as I am and the only person who has made the time and effort to care for me. But even then I still feel empty after I talk to him. He knows that there's not much he can do other than distract me and I feel kinda bad for him.

i'm mega scared to get diagnosed bc i don't want it to fuck up law school. but eh, my plan was to die before i was 40 if i wasn't happy.

It shouldn't effect law school if it's left confidential, but do what makes you feel comfortable! If u want to take ur time being diagnosed there's no harm in it!

And I'm proud of you too. Thanks for taking the time to talk and share with me. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

aaaa darn ss crashing i meant to send this ages ago fhseufse

 

[synthcadia]

No worries! Also congrats on the high score! I dropped out of college ages ago and my overall grade was embarrassingly low compared to how I was back in high school. Surprisingly it doesn't really get to me cuz most of my siblings have dropped out of college and are doing pretty ok for themselves. Also I'm employed to a decent job that required little to no college experience so I'm guess I'm lucky in that aspect.

But yeah college isn't memorable for me and I'm glad that it hasn't affected me as harshly cuz I'm gonna be honest, I didn't think I'd make it to college.


The only person I can trust with my thoughts are my brother. He's also just as suicidal as I am and the only person who has made the time and effort to care for me. But even then I still feel empty after I talk to him. He knows that there's not much he can do other than distract me and I feel kinda bad for him.



It shouldn't effect law school if it's left confidential, but do what makes you feel comfortable! If u want to take ur time being diagnosed there's no harm in it!

And I'm proud of you too. Thanks for taking the time to talk and share with me. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

aaaa darn ss crashing i meant to send this ages ago fhseufse

thank you, and i'm glad that you have a decent job without college experience since i feel like a lot of jobs require that nowadays. also college isn't for everyone so that makes sense.

i'm also glad you have someone you can trust too. that's better than no one. <3

and haha you'd think so but apparently it can wreck job apps and stuff from what i heard and i don't want to risk it. if i can't get a job then i will ctb.

and also thank you for taking the time to talk to me as well. <3 i was mega nervous to be open about the fact that i may have BPD and i'm glad i wasn't shunned for it. i also feel less alone. <3