Glandular
Student
- Mar 23, 2023
- 128
I don't want to be here. I don't want to die - but my body is failing me. Not long ago, I was diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune disease which has the potential to make my life a living hell. Even one of the doctors plainly said that this illness sucks. Yeah, thanks for that.
Before the diagnosis, I graduated with distinction and secured a really well paying job. I studied hard for this, put my life on hold and planned everything. I was so certain that I would be successful in the future, that I didn't focus on the present. I thought I had it all figured out. During the last phase of my studies I was experiencing some symptoms and I thought it was just stress. Well, it wasn't.
I was living through hell, my health got worse and worse until I was taken to the hospital. After the diagnosis they started to treat the symptoms - there is no cure that will heal me. Actually, the next flare up could be considerably worse. Since then, I've been living in fear and pain. The treatment is kind of working in surpressing the symptoms but they are still here. There has not been a single day where I felt ok again. I completely lost control over my life and I just cannot accept this new normal. And I won't.
I was always pro choice and philosophically embraced the idea of antinatalism. It seemed wrong to me to bring a new life without its consent into this world. And I believe that it is cruel to keep suffering people alive as long as possible. The thought of ending my life on my own terms with dignity was always on my mind. I just thought that I could wait several decades before I need to actually prepare for it. Now, I've chosen Nitrogen and been meticulously researching it. I will be prepared when the pain gets too much.
Anyway, I just wanted to vent because my loved ones don't understand how much I suffer. I certainly can't tell them about my way of dealing with it. While the physical pain is manageable, right now my mental health is at an all time low. I regret not living while I was still healthy. I regret not fulfilling my wishes earlier. I will try to do as much as possible until I have to leave, but I know I will not be able to enjoy it as much as I used to. I hate my body / health for forcing me to do all of this. I will fight for my life as long as I can but I certainly won't be tolerating excruciating pain.
Before the diagnosis, I graduated with distinction and secured a really well paying job. I studied hard for this, put my life on hold and planned everything. I was so certain that I would be successful in the future, that I didn't focus on the present. I thought I had it all figured out. During the last phase of my studies I was experiencing some symptoms and I thought it was just stress. Well, it wasn't.
I was living through hell, my health got worse and worse until I was taken to the hospital. After the diagnosis they started to treat the symptoms - there is no cure that will heal me. Actually, the next flare up could be considerably worse. Since then, I've been living in fear and pain. The treatment is kind of working in surpressing the symptoms but they are still here. There has not been a single day where I felt ok again. I completely lost control over my life and I just cannot accept this new normal. And I won't.
I was always pro choice and philosophically embraced the idea of antinatalism. It seemed wrong to me to bring a new life without its consent into this world. And I believe that it is cruel to keep suffering people alive as long as possible. The thought of ending my life on my own terms with dignity was always on my mind. I just thought that I could wait several decades before I need to actually prepare for it. Now, I've chosen Nitrogen and been meticulously researching it. I will be prepared when the pain gets too much.
Anyway, I just wanted to vent because my loved ones don't understand how much I suffer. I certainly can't tell them about my way of dealing with it. While the physical pain is manageable, right now my mental health is at an all time low. I regret not living while I was still healthy. I regret not fulfilling my wishes earlier. I will try to do as much as possible until I have to leave, but I know I will not be able to enjoy it as much as I used to. I hate my body / health for forcing me to do all of this. I will fight for my life as long as I can but I certainly won't be tolerating excruciating pain.
