NSFW I had an almost

[goldenholding003]

~~~~~TW~~~~~

I was just about to end myself this afternoon and while I've had past attempts, this one had the higher chance of permanency or severe consequences if it didn't work. I have tried swallowing bottles of alcohol and pills but my body just says "no" and i feel like shit after, of course I deny myself going to the doctors because I don't ever believe I deserve it-even when I sleep for 3 days and have other issues.


But this time I don't know if it was the adrenaline or what but right before I was about to I threw up. Instead of following through I took a shower and sat on my steps and smoked a cigarette. Of course when I got the nerve to try again I wouldn't have enough time. But that feeling is something I have never felt before. I honestly am more positive than anything else that it was the risk of failure and being left damaged. I don't want to be left as a vegetable or something. I think if I know with certainty that no one will be around or aware to interfere I will not be so amped up. I am just so ready to be done because the emotions and past shit is way too heavy to carry anymore.


I am also torn because I always feel like my death will be an inconvenience but I tell myself that at least I won't be physically present to witness it.

 

[supermario]

My advise is to always make sure the risk of leaving you worse off is minimized when you make an attempt. Because no matter how much life sucks now, I know from experience it can always get worse.

 

[obliviousatbest]

Sorry things didn't go as you first intended but its good to see you're still here. Your reasons for staying are terrifying and valid, and there will always be another opportunity to exit if that is what you truly want. It's terrifying to be here when you know you shouldn't be. I hope the coming days are kinder to you, sending you peace

 

[FuneralCry]

Failing an attempt and being left with damage is what I fear. I would only attempt if I was confident that it would succeed. We all deserve the option of a reliable peaceful exit, at a time of our own choosing, nobody should have to resort to methods that could fail in the first place. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering.