Story I had a weird interaction recently, which made me want to relapse into SH.

[rih]

Hi, i'm new i'm rih or ri' (for shorter) I hopefully won't be here long enough though for these to matter.

I figured i'd share a story in the last few weeks i've grown close to this girl, just friends extremely platonic. But we opened up about our mental health I tried not to scare her as I talked about ctb'ing very little more-so just everything that leads me to want to. Anyways, she's been struggling a lot and knew I used to SH, she was in the middle of a panic attack and called me. About to cut herself, I care about her so I started the little points that I used to stop, it's only temporary, wanting to harm is like a wave it'll calm down, breathing work, distractions yada yada, as she described almost pinpoint perfect how I felt when I used to cut it has made me crave it to a huge degree, I had thrown away my kit but already have made a new one, i know it's so hypocritical to talk down someone only to crave it yourself, i'm trying not to, as I feel it'll dull my will to continue with a chosen method, even though it's nigh impossible to get SN in europe.
I just wanted to share a weird interaction probably not everyone has had. It seems so superficial to care for someone when I want to ctb, i'm just curious if others have any stories to share that's similar. Like when I was younger i had this 'pact' with an online friend where neither of us would cut as long as neither did it but it broke down fast.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Having a blip with previous coping mechanisms is perfectly normal when you're exposing yourself to triggers around you.

If you can talk a friend out of self harm, you can talk yourself out of it, and based on what you've said, you haven't done it, so that's really positive! You should be proud of yourself - it is SO hard not to when you're reminded of your previous self, and unhealthy behaviours.

Even if you do end up hurting yourself, remember it's normal to have a blip. A blip isn't a relapse, and it isn't the end of the world, you can come out the other side

Why do you need to kill yourself with sodium nitrite? Everyone seems obsessed with it on this site, as if it's trendy or something. That's the impression it gives off

 

[rih]

Having a blip with previous coping mechanisms is perfectly normal when you're exposing yourself to triggers around you.

If you can talk a friend out of self harm, you can talk yourself out of it, and based on what you've said, you haven't done it, so that's really positive! You should be proud of yourself - it is SO hard not to when you're reminded of your previous self, and unhealthy behaviours.

Even if you do end up hurting yourself, remember it's normal to have a blip. A blip isn't a relapse, and it isn't the end of the world, you can come out the other side

Why do you need to kill yourself with sodium nitrite? Everyone seems obsessed with it on this site, as if it's trendy or something. That's the impression it gives off

Very fair response, i guess I have been craving some form of shorthand release more and more but I also have this overwhelming sense that if I do got back cutting it would be an everyday thing not just 'when i need it' kind of deal which kind of stresses me out, and yeah i guess trendy? I haven't found an other methods with something that 'was' so easily to procure that didn't seem to leave the body in a mess, hanging was my other option.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Very fair response, i guess I have been craving some form of shorthand release more and more but I also have this overwhelming sense that if I do got back cutting it would be an everyday thing not just 'when i need it' kind of deal which kind of stresses me out, and yeah i guess trendy? I haven't found an other methods with something that 'was' so easily to procure that didn't seem to leave the body in a mess, hanging was my other option.

You know what to do to find an alternative, because you've been doing it years, honestly you're too hard on yourself, it'll be ok, I promise. I do understand though, I used to cut for years and years, so hard to stop, isn't it? And I haven't done it in years.

Is trying to rescue your friend too much? You're not responsible for trying to save others, especially when you have enough going on, but I understand the need to rescue someone from their suffering

A few years back, probably about 3 and a half or so, I had a little blip, but nothing major, and eventually I stopped and I had even forgotten I'd cut again (until this conversation), because it was for such a short space of time. I have major urges to do it, but I didn't. You see?

Try to see what else you could do as an alternative, because we know cutting leaves scars, and we regret them afterwards. I'm not going to give you ideas, but I do other things to hurt myself for a release, it's way better than cutting. I don't mean a different form of self harm, I mean a distraction from the thoughts so they are less intense

How do you know sodium nitrite won't? If you throw up, you'll be covered in puke. You will probably shit and piss yourself also, as some do when they die, pretty bad (from what I've read and heard).

You'll be dead anyway, what can you do about it? You can't help it if your body leaks fluids, it's a natural part of dying. You're worrying too much about how your body will look afterwards. Having said that, I often wonder this too, but there is absolutely nothing you can do. You'll start decomposing and you can't stop it. You're literally dead

I understand with the hanging, because your face will look horrific, but sometimes individuals have no choice - or rather feel like they have no choice - depending on circumstances.

 

[rih]

You know what to do to find an alternative, because you've been doing it years, honestly you're too hard on yourself, it'll be ok, I promise. I do understand though, I used to cut for years and years, so hard to stop, isn't it? And I haven't done it in years.

Is trying to rescue your friend too much? You're not responsible for trying to save others, especially when you have enough going on, but I understand the need to rescue someone from their suffering

A few years back, probably about 3 and a half or so, I had a little blip, but nothing major, and eventually I stopped and I had even forgotten I'd cut again (until this conversation), because it was for such a short space of time. I have major urges to do it, but I didn't. You see?

Try to see what else you could do as an alternative, because we know cutting leaves scars, and we regret them afterwards. I'm not going to give you ideas, but I do other things to hurt myself for a release, it's way better than cutting. I don't mean a different form of self harm, I mean a distraction from the thoughts so they are less intense

How do you know sodium nitrite won't? If you throw up, you'll be covered in puke. You will probably shit and piss yourself also, as some do when they die, pretty bad (from what I've read and heard).

You'll be dead anyway, what can you do about it? You can't help it if your body leaks fluids, it's a natural part of dying. You're worrying too much about how your body will look afterwards. Having said that, I often wonder this too, but there is absolutely nothing you can do. You'll start decomposing and you can't stop it. You're literally dead

I understand with the hanging, because your face will look horrific, but sometimes individuals have no choice - or rather feel like they have no choice - depending on circumstances.

It's very hard to stop, i can't say i don't think about it often, especially currently with how i'm feeling, I have done it for years but i've always kept a little 'tick' of self harm i guess when i get very anxious i pick at my skin, either dry skin or just something easily accessible like my hands, and i keep going til it bleeds and scabs ad finem, it's nowhere near the same release i would get from a cut and I do regret the scars I've dealt with many people of the mindset it's for attention and it just makes it worse.

I think my friend thinks i'm not wanting to ctb, so i already don't feel sincere with them which hurts I guess, I just don't want them to have this overwhelming sensation ever that I know would come back if they did start cutting I see bits of myself in her which is the main issue i suppose.

My alternative i guess it picking at skin, knuckles/palm/wrist with my nail til explained above it doesnt really scar but gets weird looks cause i pretty much do it without notice if i'm in public sometimes which is the main issue.

I don't but there's measures against it and i just don't want to leave a mess, also it's portable I could literally take a drink by the river and lay there til i'm found etc, I don't really care much how I look as long as it's not horrifying like a hanging, that's about it.

I'm glad you've overcome cutting though, it feels near impossible at the moment so I feel almost in awe, ha. Thanks for talking to me.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

It's very hard to stop, i can't say i don't think about it often, especially currently with how i'm feeling, I have done it for years but i've always kept a little 'tick' of self harm i guess when i get very anxious i pick at my skin, either dry skin or just something easily accessible like my hands, and i keep going til it bleeds and scabs ad finem, it's nowhere near the same release i would get from a cut and I do regret the scars I've dealt with many people of the mindset it's for attention and it just makes it worse.

I think my friend thinks i'm not wanting to ctb, so i already don't feel sincere with them which hurts I guess, I just don't want them to have this overwhelming sensation ever that I know would come back if they did start cutting I see bits of myself in her which is the main issue i suppose.

My alternative i guess it picking at skin, knuckles/palm/wrist with my nail til explained above it doesnt really scar but gets weird looks cause i pretty much do it without notice if i'm in public sometimes which is the main issue.

I don't but there's measures against it and i just don't want to leave a mess, also it's portable I could literally take a drink by the river and lay there til i'm found etc, I don't really care much how I look as long as it's not horrifying like a hanging, that's about it.

I'm glad you've overcome cutting though, it feels near impossible at the moment so I feel almost in awe, ha. Thanks for talking to me.

I think any form of self harm is something that will always be there, like an addiction - it stays with you for life. It's so easy to create a habit, but much harder to break one. Even pessimistic thoughts, feelings and behaviours become habitual.

Self harm is self harm, and comes in various forms. I've never stopped self harming, like yourself, and I don't think I ever will, but it's definitely better than cutting. It's about trying to manage better, so harm reduction.

Why do you feel insincere, because you haven't told your friend you want to kill yourself? I'm not sure I'm understanding correctly. Your friend doesn't need to know, unless you feel the need to tell her, and telling her won't change anything, she will likely feel less alone in her thoughts. You'd be surprised how many people secretly carry those thoughts (look at the site you're on).

The issue is, you can't be there 24/7 to prevent your friend from cutting, she probably self harms in other ways that you're unaware of. Everyone has secrets. Boundaries are important, and saving someone from cutting themselves sounds very stressful and boundary pushing.

You need to take care of yourself too, you are important. It is up to your friend if she cuts herself, she is obviously struggling herself, but you're not responsible for her, and you can't check all the time and forget about yourself, it's so harmful. Trust me, I've been there. It's exhausting trying to save friends, and eventually, it will take a toll on you. I'm speaking from experience here.

I understand you want to help her, because you see yourself in her, like you said, but you can't save her. For example, if she told you she was going to end her life? Then what? Don't forget you are planning on doing that yourself, so you're saving others but forgetting about your own struggles? It isn't selfish, because you can't take care of others if you can't look after yourself, that's just a fact.

I honestly hope you're able to start putting yourself first, I know how hard it is though, it's so difficult to break habits and see yourself as important

You don't need to thank me, I like to help others, and I hope chatting has helped a small amount, so, at the very least you feel less alone

 

[rih]

I think any form of self harm is something that will always be there, like an addiction - it stays with you for life. It's so easy to create a habit, but much harder to break one. Even pessimistic thoughts, feelings and behaviours become habitual.

Self harm is self harm, and comes in various forms. I've never stopped self harming, like yourself, and I don't think I ever will, but it's definitely better than cutting. It's about trying to manage better, so harm reduction.

Why do you feel insincere, because you haven't told your friend you want to kill yourself? I'm not sure I'm understanding correctly. Your friend doesn't need to know, unless you feel the need to tell her, and telling her won't change anything, she will likely feel less alone in her thoughts. You'd be surprised how many people secretly carry those thoughts (look at the site you're on).

The issue is, you can't be there 24/7 to prevent your friend from cutting, she probably self harms in other ways that you're unaware of. Everyone has secrets. Boundaries are important, and saving someone from cutting themselves sounds very stressful and boundary pushing.

You need to take care of yourself too, you are important. It is up to your friend if she cuts herself, she is obviously struggling herself, but you're not responsible for her, and you can't check all the time and forget about yourself, it's so harmful. Trust me, I've been there. It's exhausting trying to save friends, and eventually, it will take a toll on you. I'm speaking from experience here.

I understand you want to help her, because you see yourself in her, like you said, but you can't save her. For example, if she told you she was going to end her life? Then what? Don't forget you are planning on doing that yourself, so you're saving others but forgetting about your own struggles? It isn't selfish, because you can't take care of others if you can't look after yourself, that's just a fact.

I honestly hope you're able to start putting yourself first, I know how hard it is though, it's so difficult to break habits and see yourself as important

You don't need to thank me, I like to help others, and I hope chatting has helped a small amount, so, at the very least you feel less alone

Yeah i haven't opened the kit i made since I put it together, I know I shouldn't but there's a comfort there knowing I could, and unfortunately probably will. I've been going into these swings of pure anxiety lately but they're getting worse.

I feel like she's opened up to me pretty much the whole way, while i'm still tempering responses. I don't have an urge to tell her I just feel insincere in downplaying the severity of it I don't mind it not being brought to light.

She's had her kit taken away and hid, by her boyfriend which is a relief. I know the alternatives she's doing it's pretty self destructive so I'm trying to help with that too.

There's nothing really to take care of for me, I don't sleep more than 2 / 3 hours a night now, but i'm eating healthy, walking and stuff to temper my anxiety it's just not enough, in all seriousness i'll probably make an attempt soon and if there's atleast something small I can do to prolong or help her I want to try. I'm exhausted already, and I do understand the hypocrisy of wanting to help someone while also feeling how I feel. She's younger than me, I just feel she isn't as far gone. This is her first 'bout' of feeling like we feel.

Thanks again for talking, i'll still do it either way ha, I do appreciate it a lot. and definitely don't feel as lonely when you articulate so well. I do hope you're well, as can be anyways.