I guess this is a goodbye thread

[swanchild]

Spent the day helping with chores, walking the dog. I don't even want to speak about what brought me to this point, I just want it to be over. I fantasize about the end 24/7. I can't imagine any other future.

I might draw a tarot card. Just a single card to see what it says.


Two of Cups
Being drawn to someone. Longing for someone or something. Acting on your desires. Discovering a feeling is mutual. Doing what makes you feel good. Merging. Healing broken ties. Admitting two people feel differently about each other and moving on.

Hmm, I do feel like the only way I can be loved is if I die.
Oh, yeah, I'm doing this tonight.

 

[Kusogaki]

You have my bestest wishes. If you don't mind me asking could you share a memory felt kind of alive?

 

[FuneralCry]

Farewell and best wishes.

 

[Terios]

Wishing you the best, hopefully you'll finally be at peace.

 

[CantDoIt]

I hope you have a peaceful exit.

 

[swanchild]

You have my bestest wishes. If you don't mind me asking could you share a memory felt kind of alive?

So many... listening to M83 while my friends cut my hair in high school, flying to another country and basking in a tropical waterfall with my best friend, camping with my family. There were surely so many good times I couldn't count them. I think of the song "Sweet Disposition" by the Temper Trap and that's how I feel. I loved my life and I met the most wonderful people but I always ended up alone and went through some fucked up shit. Even bicycling alone at night listening to Lorde's "Pure Heroin" album. I've been blessed over and over with only the best people who I so deeply respect and admire, I just don't measure up.

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

If @swanchild departing this world is truly what you want I pray for your swift and peaceful passage.
Will you be updating your process here as you go?

 

[swanchild]

If @swanchild departing this world is truly what you want I pray for your swift and peaceful passage.
Will you be updating your process here as you go?

I don't think it'll be a lengthy process and I also have privacy concerns (I downloaded a VPN to use this site) because I don't want anyone to stop me. I also don't want to trigger anyone by giving them "ideas" of methods although I understand those who share here don't have bad intentions, I just don't want my instructions to be the last thing somebody sees when maybe they could have made it for one day more. I feel a lot of guilt for being on here but I also feel lonely going through this alone. But I'll be chatting until later tonight.

 

[weightoffmychest]

So many... listening to M83 while my friends cut my hair in high school, flying to another country and basking in a tropical waterfall with my best friend, camping with my family. There were surely so many good times I couldn't count them. I think of the song "Sweet Disposition" by the Temper Trap and that's how I feel. I loved my life and I met the most wonderful people but I always ended up alone and went through some fucked up shit. Even bicycling alone at night listening to Lorde's "Pure Heroin" album. I've been blessed over and over with only the best people who I so deeply respect and admire, I just don't measure up.

You sound like a really nice person. This was wholesome and nice to read. Best of luck to you

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

I don't think it'll be a lengthy process and I also have privacy concerns (I downloaded a VPN to use this site) because I don't want anyone to stop me. I also don't want to trigger anyone by giving them "ideas" of methods although I understand those who share here don't have bad intentions, I just don't want my instructions to be the last thing somebody sees when maybe they could have made it for one day more. I feel a lot of guilt for being on here but I also feel lonely going through this alone. But I'll be chatting until later tonight.

Ok. Understand. DM is open.

 

[Edistrying]

Remember that you can always regret it, we are all here to accompany you and personally you can always send me a message if you want a little company or whatever.
I hope you can find peace

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Wishing you peace and freedom from this horrible world.

 

[feelinggloomy]

Peace on your journey

 

[swanchild]

Even still I don't believe the world is horrible. I believe it's been horrible to some people though, tragically. Just listening to Cocorosie and walking my dog again, gotta do some laundry too

 

[misatosdiary]

Farewell, may you rest in peace 🕊

 

[tsykoais]

i hope you find peace in whatever path you choose to take <3

may i ask if you have any plans on whats going to happen to your dog?

 

[cali22♡]

Peace

 

[swanchild]

i hope you find peace in whatever path you choose to take <3

may i ask if you have any plans on whats going to happen to your dog?

She lives with my family as do I :) I'll miss her though

 

[swanchild]

Omg I'm tired again LOL this is the same problem as last night. I've been recovering from my OD I guess could be contributing and I also was popping benzos like crazy for a few days but I only had 1mg clonazepam this AM. (Now it's all gone lol) I had a beer last night and a bottle of wine a couple of nights before. I'm actually kind of glad I got all the substances out of my system because I think I might want to be conscious for this. Oh and I just drank 2 tbsps of insant coffee but it doesn't seem to be helping

 

[swanchild]

I fell asleep for a bit but woke up which is good. I can't believe I fell asleep after having 2 tbsps of coffee though.

I woke up to my family checking where I was and my ex messaging me "is everything ok". It was kind of spooky

 

[pomcustard]

Spent the day helping with chores, walking the dog. I don't even want to speak about what brought me to this point, I just want it to be over. I fantasize about the end 24/7. I can't imagine any other future.

I might draw a tarot card. Just a single card to see what it says.

View attachment 146854
Two of Cups
Being drawn to someone. Longing for someone or something. Acting on your desires. Discovering a feeling is mutual. Doing what makes you feel good. Merging. Healing broken ties. Admitting two people feel differently about each other and moving on.

Hmm, I do feel like the only way I can be loved is if I die.
Oh, yeah, I'm doing this tonight.

I am sorry life brought you to this. I hope you may find peace whatever path you choose to take.

 

[justwannadip]

Wishing you peace whatever you decide Hoping I can be as brave.

 

[Dr. Finklestein]

I fell asleep for a bit but woke up which is good. I can't believe I fell asleep after having 2 tbsps of coffee though.

I woke up to my family checking where I was and my ex messaging me "is everything ok". It was kind of spooky

2 tbsps of coffee = 2 cups of coffee

Your body definitely has a mechanism to "ignore" caffeine if it determines rest is a larger priority.

 

[DeathSleep]

Goodbye. I hope you find peace.

 

[rozeske]

I wish you the best. I hope you find your peace. We're here if you happen be around another day

 

[swanchild]

I'm still here, for now. I might leave in like a half hour. I just had a kind of healing conversation with my ex so I'm glad that happened. I also had a healing conversation with my mom. I'm just trying to figure out how to destroy my journals so no one is hurt reading anything

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I hope you find peace.

 

[swanchild]

It's hard to get up when my dog is curled up right next to me snoring. It's the little things. I'm gonna try to get up soon but I'm feeling a wide range of emotions right now.

But like, I've also basically said my final goodbyes to everyone. My best friend told me my gushy statuses sounded like what suicidal people do before they off themselves and when she heard about my overdose she said "sure enough".

I think this is like a good spot to leave everything, I feel at peace, just wondering if I'll wait one more day so I have time to burn my journals. I should have done it sooner, I know.

The problem is where I'm going there will be people around, hopefully asleep. I also can't stop thinking about the dream I had where God was talking to me. I have religious guilt and also wonder "am I supposed to keep going? Despite all odds?" But maybe even God acknowledged this world isn't for me

 

[swanchild]

I'm still here, just until tonight hopefully. I just couldn't leave my dog's side. I swear she's an empath. I don't believe in human empaths but when I have panic attacks and shake, my dog shakes, too. The other night I was crying and I swear a little tear rolled down her cheek. Plus I felt like I got some positive closure with my ex.

 

[swanchild]

Fantasized a bit about sticking around long enough to write an autobiography under the guise of fiction and a pseudonym. I do like to write. And I would give all the money I made off it (should it be successful-- I'm starting to think I genuinely have bipolar) to the people who merited it and to a certain organization. Keeping everything super vague for anonymity. I just don't think it's feasible if I'm being honest, I keep wandering off like a dying cat, hiding.

For the record, I loved Clarice Lispector, Otessa Moshfegh, and Madeleine Miller. I loved Frida Kahlo, Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath. I loved Cocorosie, Jewel, Tori Amos, Kate Bush and Bjork.

Isn't there a quote: "if I have seen further, it has been by standing on the shoulders of giants?" This is just my last little spark of creativity and imagination I suppose. I've made some pretty cool art but I would have liked to have published a book.