I got my SN today

[jessisme]

I felt anxious and a little nauseous when I saw it because CTB seemed so real. Now that I have it I have to actually go through with it with all of the risk and possible pain, fear, anxiety and discomfort that entails. I'm going to sit on it awhile. I cannot ctb until spring because I have to do it outside and here it's still winter. It is a relief that it's here, though, because at least now I have a possible way out. What did you think when you got your SN or other preferred method? How have your feelings towards it changed over time?

 

[annointed_towers]

Yeah it was weird holding it in my hands. Seeing all the warnings on the label. Felt surreal and scary.

 

[Reallysad]

I just want some can't find it anywhere and scared it's a scam

 

[hunterfla]

I can relate. I got mine in July and my intention was to use it within a few days. Since then, I've just had in on my desk staring at me, day in and day out. I haven't even been able to bring myself to do the blood test to authenticate it. I literally login to SS daily and definitely intend to ctb but for some reason I keep postponing. It seems like every morning in my news feed I see another mass shooting, or fatal accident, or suicide, or random death...I know most of those didn't want to die but I can't help but feel a sense of jealousy that they got out of this existence.

 

[Thisisme373]

I haven't a nailed down method yet but I'd imagine it would feel nice to know you have got it there ready at any time, I'd find it comforting, especially if you know exactly how to do it all. Like you're confident in knowing how to do it. I can also understand the anxiety with feeling like wow this is real but I think I'm that low that I'd still be more comforted. I'm sure I read SN unopened will still be good for years? So you don't have to rush into it. It sounds like you're still a bit uncertain, I know that feeling I'm kind of in it now but feel close to edge, I'd like a method ready, like a safety net as in my tragic miserable life a lot depends on something later next year, if it don't work out it will be the last nail in my life and I want an exit strategy ready. I feel this weird sense that I know at some point in my life I will very likely end things, it's weird I just know it, I've been thinking of suicide and longing for death at way too many points of my life since my teenage years. Sorry went on a tangent there. Anyways what you are feeling when SN arrived makes sense, it's very real now, just remember you do not need to rush into anything but I respect whatever decision you make.

 

[Wunderkind]

I just want some can't find it anywhere and scared it's a scam

Why? What of aggression? Or it seemed to me?

 

[FuneralCry]

If I had some SN, then I certainly wouldn't be here anymore, at least I would be far far away from this site. But I know that if I had a reliable poison method I would feel very relieved knowing that I have a way to free myself from the endless torture that is existing. N sounds like the most ideal method to me and it's tragic how we are denied it. Having a way out that I feel confident in would be the best thing to me but this pro suffering society doesn't exactly make it easy for us to be gone.

 

[stermc]

I felt relief. And fear. I still have to get the antiemetics though.
I am still afraid. I even got a rope after that, because I am really afraid SN will fail me.
Guess I am still too much of a coward to do it.

 

[Thisisme373]

I felt relief. And fear. I still have to get the antiemetics though.
I am still afraid. I even got a rope after that, because I am really afraid SN will fail me.
Guess I am still too much of a coward to do it.

I fear this too, that it wouldn't work, I want something that will be 110% sure.

 

[jessisme]

I felt relief. And fear. I still have to get the antiemetics though.
I am still afraid. I even got a rope after that, because I am really afraid SN will fail me.
Guess I am still too much of a coward to do it.

I'm really afraid I will be too much of a coward too especially after all of the mixed testimony for SN I have seen here. I really don't want to suffer. But I have no other choice, I have to end things. The alternative is too horrific. I hope that I can.

 

[Judy Garland]

At first, I thought I was a lucky one. I felt relief knowing that I could go at any time I pleased. But now. Now I've read too many horror stories of it going wrong. People being violently ill after taking it and failing. It's turned my whole plan on it's side. I don't know if I can go through with it now because I can't handle that kind of pain and illness if it fails. I was planning on using it in a few weeks. But what do I do? I'm so scared now. I don't know what to do.

 

[jessisme]

At first, I thought I was a lucky one. I felt relief knowing that I could go at any time I pleased. But now. Now I've read too many horror stories of it going wrong. People being violently ill after taking it and failing. It's turned my whole plan on it's side. I don't know if I can go through with it now because I can't handle that kind of pain and illness if it fails. I was planning on using it in a few weeks. But what do I do? I'm so scared now. I don't know what to do.

Me too, especially since I will be in the woods and entirely alone. I won't be able to call for help or anything. I'm so afraid that it will be excruciatingly painful and I will be conscious and experience my body shutting down and dying on me. Horrific thought.

 

[Reallysad]

Why? What of aggression? Or it seemed to me?

I want some so I can find peace and stop living my life

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Just like anything else in life, if you go into something thinking you are going to fail at it, you ARE going to fail at it.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Just like anything else in life, if you go into something thinking you are going to fail at it, you ARE going to fail at it.

Totally.

At the same time, are we surprised that a bunch of suicidal people cannot muster much hope that they can successfully kill themselves? Hope isn't exactly our forte, you know?

I feel relieved having my SN. Also, my anxiety has shifted from anxiety about living to anxiety about not being successful in dying. Just waiting for the holidays and birthdays to wind down before doing it.

Or at least that's my plan right now. I wouldn't mind if things turned around by then and my brain decides it wants to try to live instead.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

At the same time, are we surprised that a bunch of suicidal people cannot muster much hope that they can successfully kill themselves? Hope isn't exactly our forte, you know?

No, no surprise here. Although, I'm very certain that I won't fail with my method (CO) when I ultimately embark on that final journey. For me, it's not a matter of hoping that I succeed. It's more fortitude and resolve.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

No, no surprise here. Although, I'm very certain that I won't fail with my method (CO) when I ultimately embark on that final journey. For me, it's not a matter of hoping that I succeed. It's more fortitude and resolve.

I admire your mindset and will try my best to implement the same when it's my time. Mind over matter.