I Get It, Life. I Fucking Get It.

[Un-]

I get it that I should never get in a relationship (romantic, or friendly) with another person again. Because, people will always betray me. The moment they can, they'll discard me. They'll torture me with words, emotionally cut me, bring me on the cusp of tears all in the name of "love". Because people, at the core of their being, cannot, and will never care about me. That they'll perform an act of betrayal - cheat on me, replace me, use my past trauma against me, drive me to suicide - knowing full well that the smallest nudge will...

I get that I should never be happy. That you, Life, will bring about woes one hundred times greater than my happiness, and enjoy my subsequent mental decay. So I've gotten rid of all that makes me happy, because of you. Because of you, I'm terrified to smile. I get it that I will never get better. You've taken everything that could possibly bring me meaning - my friends, my family, myself. I'm at the crux of my life, but I'm stuck in limbo because I have no passion to follow. Because of you, I have such indifference between working a six-figure-salary job, or as construction worker here, in my country. Because of you, I have no reason to wake up. I have no reason to try secure a better future for myself. Why, I've seen you take the lives of the people on this forum. No friends, no family, no love, no pleasure, no hopes, no dreams, no feelings. We're - or I - are (am) better of dead.

I'm a decaying vessel - someone ready to die at any given moment. Every moment, from when I wake up, attempt at showering, attempt at eating, attempt at doing productive work, to the moment I sleep, I think about suicide graphically. I've watched countless videos of people taking their lives, and nothing is spurred within me other than bitter jealousy, regardless of how gruesome their body is. People leaping from the tops of construction-cranes, people running towards the front of a train, people hanging themselves (incorrectly), people drinking bleach, cyanide, people cutting their arteries, people blowing their heads off in firing ranges - the list goes on. I can't stop pondering the immense suffering that I'm in. It distracts me from all basic functions. I long more than anything to not exist. Not to die, but to not be anymore. Nothing distracts me from these thoughts. YouTube, Sanctioned Suicide, self-harm, music, movies - nothing. Further yet, this feeling of loneliness follows me everywhere. This feeling makes me hate people - makes me hate seeing people with friends, spouses, children. Bitter. Homicidal. Psychopathic. I don't even find comfort in this forum, amongst other people suffering similar to I. This feeling of loneliness persists. I care not about anything; I am alive, simply because I haven't died yet. Had I had Sodium Nitrite, Nembutal - fucking, even a goddamn rope, I'd have been died a long time ago. I should've died when I was fourteen, and every single attempt since then.

I have nothing. If souls were real, mine would be absent - and you, Life, have taken it from me. That's what you've made of me. That's what you've made of this little boy - you've churned his future into rot.

 

[may13]

This was profoundly hard to read. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really is so painful and to me it is horrifying how life is a thing in the first place. I also want non existence more than anything, I see no point to enduring this life all for the sake of it. To me life is nothing more than unnecessary suffering. I hope that you find what you are looking for.