I genuinely don't understand how someone could NOT want to die

[theloserestloser]

Like the idea that someone wants to put in all this effort in life just baffles me. I have so much anxiety that every second of my life feels like hell and torture, but even when I'm not feeling anxious, it's just like... why would you even bother going on when you could just not?

And yet when I have medical episodes that could lead to some sort of end, I panic and ask to go to the hospital. Why am I like this. (although the latest bout ended in me having a stash of metoprolol now, which I hear could be an option... I don't know if I have enough though and i REALLY don't want to fail)

 

[Vlad Tepes]

I've felt like this too my entire life. I've always had the (correct) impression that I will never be happy, and that any "improvement" in my life would mean nothing more than suffering slightly less. Ever since I was a kid I accepted that all the things other people get to enjoy just aren't meant for me: A job, family, spouse, friends, any of that. Dreams don't come true for people like us.

 

[UnusedGate]

Most people do live good lives. They have friends, a significant other, some decent financial prospects, etc.

And yet when I have medical episodes that could lead to some sort of end, I panic and ask to go to the hospital. Why am I like this. (although the latest bout ended in me having a stash of metoprolol now, which I hear could be an option... I don't know if I have enough though and i REALLY don't want to fail)

Survival instinct?

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand as I'd just never wish for this torturous and futile existence and I suffer just from being burdened with this existence, I always find it so deeply undesirable to exist in every way, all I wish and hope for is to be gone.

I just want to never suffer ever again, more than anything I wish I never existed and I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer so unnecessarily with no limit as to how much agony I can feel just waiting to die anyway, I could never see any point to any of this, to me existing will always just be suffering all for the sake of it.