I'm used to sitting on the fence about killing myself, did that ever since i was a kid. Not quite sure if i wanted to go on, so i did, since the alternative would have been final and i didn't have the guts anyway. I always thought it would be as simple as getting a painless method, and logically understanding that things are not getting better for me, so there would be no point in sticking around. I achieved both of these things recently but just can't follow through. I guess i just don't want it enough? I don't know.
Most of the time i understand it would be the smart move to make, to stop wasting my time so to speak. But when i'm right at the point of doing it, i start thinking about trying again. This happens automatically. I don't really understand why this happens, since the "conscious" part of me is always telling myself to give up, there is really no realistic logical reason to keep going. It's quite strange, since i was quite convinced that i wanted to die before acquiring that painless method to die. Turns out i didn't know myself all that well.
I find this worrisome. I thought that i'm in control of my actions, but in reality am not. The question is, how to kill all "hope", or whatever the fuck you want to call those feelings that keep me alive, when they seem to be mostly immune to the effects of rational thinking? To me it's all an issue of control, having it and losing it. Losing control is what scares me, not dying. That's what this is to me, not being able to kill myself, losing control.
I get that most people who go through with suicide a probably in great pain, mentally or physically. For me, that was never the only question. It was always about maintaining a sort of dignity about the way I exist as well. There is none of it to be found from my life.
Most of the time i understand it would be the smart move to make, to stop wasting my time so to speak. But when i'm right at the point of doing it, i start thinking about trying again. This happens automatically. I don't really understand why this happens, since the "conscious" part of me is always telling myself to give up, there is really no realistic logical reason to keep going. It's quite strange, since i was quite convinced that i wanted to die before acquiring that painless method to die. Turns out i didn't know myself all that well.
I find this worrisome. I thought that i'm in control of my actions, but in reality am not. The question is, how to kill all "hope", or whatever the fuck you want to call those feelings that keep me alive, when they seem to be mostly immune to the effects of rational thinking? To me it's all an issue of control, having it and losing it. Losing control is what scares me, not dying. That's what this is to me, not being able to kill myself, losing control.
I get that most people who go through with suicide a probably in great pain, mentally or physically. For me, that was never the only question. It was always about maintaining a sort of dignity about the way I exist as well. There is none of it to be found from my life.
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