Venting I gave life a fair shot, but I just don't see the point anymore.

[UnforgivenAttrition]

I was always dealt with a bad hand. I have no social skills and the people who claim that they are supportive of "neurodivergency" seem to throw me out of the group at the drop of a hat when I do something bad or say something too inappropriate. I never had the love or support of people until it was too fucking late.

My way for coping with this was becoming a niche content creator to try to entertain and bring people together through my creations via art, and other things. And oddly enough, against all odds, it worked.
I have retained a small but notable following through my stuff. I managed to inspire and aspire other people in my boat, even people much younger than me, and have even been told I was a huge part of their childhood.

But the problem is, I never wanted to become some micro celebrity to be able to be accepted. I wanted unconditional love and support from people close to my life, but never got. I've been neglected. Been called names, and eventually over time it has naturally made me come to the conclusion I am not worthy, because as I stated at the beginning, these groups in real life would just ditch me. And whilst making things I enjoyed, I also noticed myself slipping more and more away from reality. As I get older, the more I realize that everything I have done is to try to make up for shit I lost that other people get on a daily basis.

It's unfair and indignant. I know people would kill to be in my shoes of having their (pseudo)names plastered on a few wikis and be the talk of the day when you release something that excites people. But ultimately, if I could trade it all in for a normal life, I would instantly.

And yet I can't. And now I have a constant reminder that only a vague idea of me will be accepted, not who I actually am as a person.

I feel like there's only one way to truly solve this issue...

 

[d3c96524be95]

It's probably quite far from your situation and it won't help you, but I somewhat relate to this post. I'm also quite socially incompetent (in a seemingly different way than you). A few years ago, I started gaining thousands of followers and audience on a specific social media (under pseudonym) after I published the results of some juicy infosec investigation I conducted on a specific site. Not only this relative "celebrity" (certainly way less significant than yours btw) has put me under a severe amount of stress and anxiety at the worst possible moment, not only has it worsened my imposter syndrome, it also reminded me how unable I am to connect to others for some reasons. As a teenager, I would spend my days doing reverse engineering on my computer because others would never hangout with me. I would see all my schoolmates being invited to parties, spend their weekends together doing whatever they do, constantly hangout with each others, finding love and stuff. At the time I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me (and still don't understand completely).

The fact that "people" were showing some kind of interest and respect in my work when they've been so disrespectful with the "real me" in the past was very dissonant for me ("dissonant" as in "cognitive dissonance"). Of course, the sophism here is that the "people" who rejected me in the past are not the same "people" who have shown interest for my work in this specific instance, but still, it left me a bitter taste in the mouth. I felt like a circus freak. Not to mention some people used my discoveries for evil purposes or to blame me, which disgusted me. So I ended up ghosting this account.

I wish I could say something to really help you out at feeling better about yourself, but telling you my insignificant story that'll just confirm your deleterious biases against the world is pretty much all I can do . I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you are at least able to find some kind of relief in whatever art you do and that you'll find a balance that works out for you at some point. Have you talked to someone IRL about these feelings?

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that the reality is that there is nothing fair about existing here in this world and it's awful how other people just create more suffering, you simply cannot trust and rely on people, most of them only care about what directly affects themselves. But anyway I'm sorry that you've suffered so much.

 

[UnforgivenAttrition]

It's probably quite far from your situation and it won't help you, but I somewhat relate to this post. I'm also quite socially incompetent (in a seemingly different way than you). A few years ago, I started gaining thousands of followers and audience on a specific social media (under pseudonym) after I published the results of some juicy infosec investigation I conducted on a specific site. Not only this relative "celebrity" (certainly way less significant than yours btw) has put me under a severe amount of stress and anxiety at the worst possible moment, not only has it worsened my imposter syndrome, it also reminded me how unable I am to connect to others for some reasons. As a teenager, I would spend my days doing reverse engineering on my computer because others would never hangout with me. I would see all my schoolmates being invited to parties, spend their weekends together doing whatever they do, constantly hangout with each others, finding love and stuff. At the time I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me (and still don't understand completely).

The fact that "people" were showing some kind of interest and respect in my work when they've been so disrespectful with the "real me" in the past was very dissonant for me ("dissonant" as in "cognitive dissonance"). Of course, the sophism here is that the "people" who rejected me in the past are not the same "people" who have shown interest for my work in this specific instance, but still, it left me a bitter taste in the mouth. I felt like a circus freak. Not to mention some people used my discoveries for evil purposes or to blame me, which disgusted me. So I ended up ghosting this account.

I wish I could say something to really help you out at feeling better about yourself, but telling you my insignificant story that'll just confirm your deleterious biases against the world is pretty much all I can do . I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you are at least able to find some kind of relief in whatever art you do and that you'll find a balance that works out for you at some point. Have you talked to someone IRL about these feelings?

I have, and it mostly boiled down to what a lot of other celebrities saying, that fame is shallow and all that jazz, and try to find meaning in your personal life again. I am still young relatively and my therapist said that I still have time to grow, but I just feel emotionally stunted as is and this feeling has only worsened over time. Social spaces are way too stressful for me and if I even do find people I have a haunch they will just ditch me again.

 

[SamTam33]

That's the most anyone can do is try. There's no rule mandating that we actually win.

It's why I don't understand all the pushiness in regards to "waiting it out" and "things might improve."

That's what the gambling addicts say to themselves as they sit at the blackjack table betting away their house note.

The longer you gamble, the more money you lose.

But when it comes to life, people essentially force you to stay at the table: keep playing and you might start winning!

That's not how it works.