Venting I fucking tried to get better. Doesn't feel like people around me see this

[unperson]

The only thing that could still make it hurt even more on top of the pain of continuing to fail at everything, is people adding to this pain by suggesting you didn't try hard enough, or weren't ready, or didn't understand some piece of esoteric wisdom, or didn't really want to get better.

Why can't it be ok to just be hopeless? Why can't people just let someone resign from caring anymore, was that not enough painful effort and failure already for one lifetime? The people who have the most trouble accepting someone's hopeless state of dysfunction are the people who are not experiencing anything like something this chronic and relentless. And it's so arrogant of them. But then again it's hard to know who's going to get better and who's not so that makes it complicated. Idk how to make people understand not to have hope for me because I will let them down every goddamn time. That's just what I do

 

[Celerity]

What exactly did they say?

 

[Largeletters]

I get what you mean and I've been through the same thing, I've been told that happiness is a choice and if I wanted to die I would just do it. No matter what, hopefulness will be fake for me and I'm sorry you're feeling similarly.

 

[unperson]

What exactly did they say?

There isn't something specific I had in mind it's more from experiencing the same things over and over because I've yet to be functioning well for over a decade and have had a lot of people not understanding it

 

[Celerity]

There isn't something specific I had in mind it's more from experiencing the same things over and over because I've yet to be functioning well for over a decade and have had a lot of people not understanding it

What about you are they criticizing?

 

[unperson]

What about you are they criticizing?

hey man just let me be all vague and cryptic y u trna take away mmy only effective coping mechanism????!!??!!!!!

I get what you mean and I've been through the same thing, I've been told that happiness is a choice and if I wanted to die I would just do it. No matter what, hopefulness will be fake for me and I'm sorry you're feeling similarly.

uggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh fuck sorry you and me and all of us gotta deal w this shit damnnn. yeah it seems like us communicating on these fringe ass forums is the only way to ascertain the reality that we live in in spite of all the gaslighting attempts among those who come from a different unrelated point of view.

 

[motel rooms]

Idk how to make people understand not to have hope for me because I will let them down every goddamn time. That's just what I do

You have to accept that they'll never really see you & that they will let you down every goddamn time. That's just what they do

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be frustrating dealing with people. The things they say can make us feel so much worse. People who haven't suffered will never be able to comprehend what it is like. They have no way of understanding. Some people will never admit that a situation is simply hopeless, so they will say things like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[unperson]

You have to accept that they'll never really see you & that they will let you down every goddamn time. That's just what they do

But but mah idealism! Shit it's obvious now that this is a social problem. Just knowing how to communicate honestly in a way that will somehow magically bypass peoples biases and all the mental illness stigma, maybe this is a fantasy cheat code that can't be found in this game.

 

[littlelungs]

I get what you mean and I've been through the same thing, I've been told that happiness is a choice and if I wanted to die I would just do it. No matter what, hopefulness will be fake for me and I'm sorry you're feeling similarly.

My dad said something similar to me, too: "If you want to die, then just kill yourself already. Don't try, just do it."

He then pressed me about when I was "finally going to finish (my) degree", because he'd put a lot of money into it.

I thought that my dad and I'd had a good relationship and was just trying to talk to him, so it was a huge slap across the face. I was struggling badly with work, having a really hard time trying to get help for my physical and mental problems but feeling hopeless and like I'd hit a dead end because of how inaccessible the health"care" system is, and mentioned that the hospitalizations following the suicide attempts didn't actually do anything. I just felt completely at a loss and... idk, wanted to talk to him, because I thought that I could. I love my dad, and I know that he loves me, too, but sometimes I just really, really don't understand him.

I'm so sorry that this was said to you, Largeletters, and OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Hell, I'm sorry that everyone on here is going through so much shit... I completely empathize with all of you. Life fucking blows, and not in the good way at all.

 

[Celerity]

My dad said something similar to me, too: "If you want to die, then just kill yourself already. Don't try, just do it."

He then pressed me about when I was "finally going to finish (my) degree", because he'd put a lot of money into it.

I thought that my dad and I'd had a good relationship and was just trying to talk to him, so it was a huge slap across the face. I was struggling badly with work, having a really hard time trying to get help for my physical and mental problems but feeling hopeless and like I'd hit a dead end because of how unaccessible the health"care" system is, and mentioned that the hospitalizations following the suicide attempts didn't actually do anything. I just felt completely at a loss and... idk, wanted to talk to him, because I thought that I could. I love my dad, and I know that he loves me, too, but sometimes I just really, really don't understand him.

I'm so sorry that this was said to you, Largeletters, and OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Hell, I'm sorry that everyone on here is going through so much shit... I completely empathize with all of you. Life fucking blows, and not in the good way at all.

My dad did the same. Sounds like it's a pretty common experience around here, unfortunately.

 

[unperson]

My dad said something similar to me, too: "If you want to die, then just kill yourself already. Don't try, just do it."

He then pressed me about when I was "finally going to finish (my) degree", because he'd put a lot of money into it.

I thought that my dad and I'd had a good relationship and was just trying to talk to him, so it was a huge slap across the face. I was struggling badly with work, having a really hard time trying to get help for my physical and mental problems but feeling hopeless and like I'd hit a dead end because of how inaccessible the health"care" system is, and mentioned that the hospitalizations following the suicide attempts didn't actually do anything. I just felt completely at a loss and... idk, wanted to talk to him, because I thought that I could. I love my dad, and I know that he loves me, too, but sometimes I just really, really don't understand him.

I'm so sorry that this was said to you, Largeletters, and OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Hell, I'm sorry that everyone on here is going through so much shit... I completely empathize with all of you. Life fucking blows, and not in the good way at all.

That sounds worse than anything said to me recently, he is wrong to talk to you that way.

 

[littlelungs]

That sounds worse than anything said to me recently, he is wrong to talk to you that way.

Yeah... he's (clearly) got a lot of issues with expressing his emotions (he was raised by a narcissist and saw a lot of terrible stuff growing up as well – still obviously not an excuse for what he said) and he said it when he was drunk, but he stood by it the next day, and was pissed off that I brought it up the night before in the first place. He also said that he didn't feel sorry for me at all... which isn't even what I wanted. I just wanted to talk to him about what I was going through because, again, I (mistakenly) thought that I could. He just sounded so... resentful, and like he was challenging me.

When I go, there's a bitter part of me that wants to write only one thing in the letter for him:

"I did it, dad."

I have other things that I want to say, though, and even though he really hurt me, I still don't want to hurt him... but it did a lot of damage, for sure.