Venting I fucking hate that I could be normal and happy if not for my body

[Frem]

I fucking hate being a monster who will never have a happy life just because of some hormones in my mother's womb or something equally random. I will never date anyone without them seeing me as someone whom I never wanted to be, the best I can get from strangers on street is being ignored instead of them giving me strange looks whenever I don't control myself outside and just walk with them not even knowing what would it take someone to have such dreadful aura. I can't look into a mirror or at my naked body without wanting to destroy it or at least puke from the disgust. The best I could do before becoming a hikikomori was to ignore every problem I had and act like everything is alright but with every day of not being able to change this problem only got worst in the same tempo as my body grew bigger, uglier and less recognizable. When I wanting to reconnect with friends and opened group chat just to see picture of myself from party in december or so I deleted it and haven't tried to talk or message them since. I can't even talk about it in a way that would make sense instead of me just cursing and screaming internally all the time. I should have been just killed by something as a child or get raped by someone just so I would have a courage to end it all instead of pitying myself from my room. To be honest I want to continue my rant but I already can't hold my tears so I'll just try to distract myself once more and try cutting again if that won't help even if my last marks nearly faded enough for me to stop wearing long sleeves all the time.

 

[FinalDawn]

God this is heartbreaking. Just know some of those things you say about yourself might be exaggerated. I know for me my self-image has been so incredibly distorted sometimes that I think very similar things, casting myself as an ugly, disgusting pitiable loser who's unworthy of love, of friendship, etc. It's like a pendulum because other times I think of myself as very pretty. And yet, nothing about my physical appearance usually changes so drastically between those to cause my thoughts to differ so much.

I don't want to sound cheesy, but I bet you aren't as ugly as you think you are.

 

[Frem]

I get all that and I had moments in the past of believing that I could pass in the future but those are long gone times. The only thing I have going is looking younger than I really am so I may get some perves to hookup with me for that but it's not much more than that. In two weeks I should be alone in home for some time and I may hang myself then or I'll just sleep it off drinking or smth. I'm glad that you pass and have a chance at happy life though, I guess that I must just used all mine lack by now on stupid things.