noname223 His threads are so fucking good I am addicted to them. The other threads all pale in comparison.
His humor is unique and he is looking so fucking good. I wanna sleep with him...
Jokes aside currently I am going through a lot of self-loathing as usual. College demands way too much and my OCD with perfectionism is really on a ridiculous/crippling level. I am feeling pretty ill physically (mentally all the time lol). I am very naseous almost all the time. It is dangerous to lose even more weight. I might lose the control of that. I am pretty thin but not underweight so far and I want that it remains that. I really struggle to eat and college does not allow me any break. The semester increases its pace and I have the feeling without my therapist I cannot resist it. I think group therapy barely has any effect on me. I am way too obsessed what others think of me.
Life quality dropped substantially. Though not as extremely as last semester. I have a lot of courses online and that is really a big gift. It is so much better than usually. But the longer I study the worse does my ability get to stomach all the torment that comes along with it.
I have obsessive thinking pathologically and sometimes paranoid. I try to circumvent the topic women which makes me extremely sad but really I turn in such a short amount of time delusional which is so fucking scary. I am extremely fragile it is a joke that I attend college in the first place.
I noticed I am thinking mostly about people who hate or even despise(d) me. Last semester I thought about my last crush who probably considered me insane. She did not like me at all. Gladly I moved on from her. I think about this STEM professor all the time who truely hated everything about me. He considered me conceited, not smart at all, annoying and could not name any good word about me except for the fact that he called me deep. I admired that guy and he fucking hated me so much. The whole thing triggers my imposter syndrome so fucking hard. I hate me that my "intelligence" gives me some form of self-esteem. That STEM professor was so fucking down to earth and was intelligence-wise in a different dimension. My behavior has to do with the abuse and bullying I went through. I hate myself for certain characteristics. I often only live for fulfiling what my obsessions demand of me. So that I feel a little bit less anxious. Though when I fail fast racing negative thoughts invoke panic and self-hatred. For example when I recently gave a mediocre answer at college. The pain I am doing to myself for such a little mistake is really concerning. I want to be seen as very smart. No I need to be seen as that. It is sort of pathological. It is deeply entrenched in my psyche. I am working so fucking hard for college. And some people consider me smart. But it feels so fucking pathetic. Especially when the self-awareness starts that there are people who study way less, receive similar results or that would consider my "intelligence" a fucking joke. I feel very ashamed for studying part-time.
I have a rival at college. I really really hate that dynamic because it pushes my imposter-syndrom to a different level. I am quite good compared to most other students. I had a GPA of roundabout 3.9. before the last catastrophic semester happened. However I only study part-time. I am not resilient at all. I could never ever cope with the stress of full-time college. I know how my mind works. I get triggered when I feel overburdended. I have to stick to a very specific routine in order not to relapse. It requires an insane amount of discipline. It is also horrible for my life quality and unhappiness. Some close friends at college know I am only studying part-time. My "rival" does not know that. Which makes me feel pretty fraud like. I feel ashamed for studying part-time I don't want to spread that. I never ever wanted to be his rival. He started that bullshit. Really he initiated that immature bullshit I am too old for this bullshit. I was in some seminars with him the last semester. In seminars I really want to be good in contrast to lectures. So it was no choice to back-off. There were for example quizzes. I even used pseudonyms in order to avoid this bullshit competition. We don't know each others grades so this makes this competition even more ridiculous. I could not completely fade it out which was pretty stupid. It took me some necessary resources but in general my mental health last semester was disastrous. I also compared myself too much with him. I beated him in most "competitions" but he does not know I study part-time and so I felt always inferior to him. Moreover my grades last semester were pretty bad so in the relevant comparisons I sucked. This semester I gladly have no seminars with him. I am so glad about that fact.
In the lectures he is always so engaged. Not me I am completely passive. I don't give a fuck in lectures it does not influence the grades and speaking in a room with more than 100 people scares the shit out of me. I think he is angry because I am dodging the competition. Privately we never spoke to each other. I kind of dislike him because he started this bullshit. I could have imagine becoming his friend. However I think it is already too late for that and I am scared about the day he finds out I am only studying part-time. But this either never happens or in several years where the shit is hopefully forgotten. This competition is not good at all for my psyche. Honestly I fucking hated it. I am glad that is over. He is probably smarter than me. I don't think I could be as good as him if I studied full-time but I am not completely sure. But he wonders how I am so good. Even elaborating on that on here is not good my mind. But it mostly relates to the past. I barely have interactions with him anymore.
So in conclusion the people I think about the most fucking hate me. If I think a woman might like me I am close to a mental breakdown. I dodge talking with women because it can be like kryptonite for my brain which is so fucking sad if your desire for a partner is as strong as mine.
My friends love me but I barely think about that fact. Maybe I have an hyperfocus on negative emotions anf feelings. Maybe a self-destructive part of me has a desire for that. It craves for self-torment and punishment for not being good enough as a result of the child abuse.
I once read in a German online publication a defense in favor of suicide forums. (A long time ago my memory might be not perfect.)
They wrote something like: There are some poor souls in suicide forums who should be pitied. The only thing that keeps them alive are suicide forums. Let's grant them that.
I think by that they meant that the option to die/being capable of going through with it gives some individuals the strength to continue living. In general the German publications I found on suicide forums where way more friendly towards them than what the international media wrote. In some ways I think that statement pretty much fits to my case but it is sad of being looked at in a pitiful way. I don't know.
His humor is unique and he is looking so fucking good. I wanna sleep with him...
Jokes aside currently I am going through a lot of self-loathing as usual. College demands way too much and my OCD with perfectionism is really on a ridiculous/crippling level. I am feeling pretty ill physically (mentally all the time lol). I am very naseous almost all the time. It is dangerous to lose even more weight. I might lose the control of that. I am pretty thin but not underweight so far and I want that it remains that. I really struggle to eat and college does not allow me any break. The semester increases its pace and I have the feeling without my therapist I cannot resist it. I think group therapy barely has any effect on me. I am way too obsessed what others think of me.
Life quality dropped substantially. Though not as extremely as last semester. I have a lot of courses online and that is really a big gift. It is so much better than usually. But the longer I study the worse does my ability get to stomach all the torment that comes along with it.
I have obsessive thinking pathologically and sometimes paranoid. I try to circumvent the topic women which makes me extremely sad but really I turn in such a short amount of time delusional which is so fucking scary. I am extremely fragile it is a joke that I attend college in the first place.
I noticed I am thinking mostly about people who hate or even despise(d) me. Last semester I thought about my last crush who probably considered me insane. She did not like me at all. Gladly I moved on from her. I think about this STEM professor all the time who truely hated everything about me. He considered me conceited, not smart at all, annoying and could not name any good word about me except for the fact that he called me deep. I admired that guy and he fucking hated me so much. The whole thing triggers my imposter syndrome so fucking hard. I hate me that my "intelligence" gives me some form of self-esteem. That STEM professor was so fucking down to earth and was intelligence-wise in a different dimension. My behavior has to do with the abuse and bullying I went through. I hate myself for certain characteristics. I often only live for fulfiling what my obsessions demand of me. So that I feel a little bit less anxious. Though when I fail fast racing negative thoughts invoke panic and self-hatred. For example when I recently gave a mediocre answer at college. The pain I am doing to myself for such a little mistake is really concerning. I want to be seen as very smart. No I need to be seen as that. It is sort of pathological. It is deeply entrenched in my psyche. I am working so fucking hard for college. And some people consider me smart. But it feels so fucking pathetic. Especially when the self-awareness starts that there are people who study way less, receive similar results or that would consider my "intelligence" a fucking joke. I feel very ashamed for studying part-time.
I have a rival at college. I really really hate that dynamic because it pushes my imposter-syndrom to a different level. I am quite good compared to most other students. I had a GPA of roundabout 3.9. before the last catastrophic semester happened. However I only study part-time. I am not resilient at all. I could never ever cope with the stress of full-time college. I know how my mind works. I get triggered when I feel overburdended. I have to stick to a very specific routine in order not to relapse. It requires an insane amount of discipline. It is also horrible for my life quality and unhappiness. Some close friends at college know I am only studying part-time. My "rival" does not know that. Which makes me feel pretty fraud like. I feel ashamed for studying part-time I don't want to spread that. I never ever wanted to be his rival. He started that bullshit. Really he initiated that immature bullshit I am too old for this bullshit. I was in some seminars with him the last semester. In seminars I really want to be good in contrast to lectures. So it was no choice to back-off. There were for example quizzes. I even used pseudonyms in order to avoid this bullshit competition. We don't know each others grades so this makes this competition even more ridiculous. I could not completely fade it out which was pretty stupid. It took me some necessary resources but in general my mental health last semester was disastrous. I also compared myself too much with him. I beated him in most "competitions" but he does not know I study part-time and so I felt always inferior to him. Moreover my grades last semester were pretty bad so in the relevant comparisons I sucked. This semester I gladly have no seminars with him. I am so glad about that fact.
In the lectures he is always so engaged. Not me I am completely passive. I don't give a fuck in lectures it does not influence the grades and speaking in a room with more than 100 people scares the shit out of me. I think he is angry because I am dodging the competition. Privately we never spoke to each other. I kind of dislike him because he started this bullshit. I could have imagine becoming his friend. However I think it is already too late for that and I am scared about the day he finds out I am only studying part-time. But this either never happens or in several years where the shit is hopefully forgotten. This competition is not good at all for my psyche. Honestly I fucking hated it. I am glad that is over. He is probably smarter than me. I don't think I could be as good as him if I studied full-time but I am not completely sure. But he wonders how I am so good. Even elaborating on that on here is not good my mind. But it mostly relates to the past. I barely have interactions with him anymore.
So in conclusion the people I think about the most fucking hate me. If I think a woman might like me I am close to a mental breakdown. I dodge talking with women because it can be like kryptonite for my brain which is so fucking sad if your desire for a partner is as strong as mine.
My friends love me but I barely think about that fact. Maybe I have an hyperfocus on negative emotions anf feelings. Maybe a self-destructive part of me has a desire for that. It craves for self-torment and punishment for not being good enough as a result of the child abuse.
I once read in a German online publication a defense in favor of suicide forums. (A long time ago my memory might be not perfect.)
They wrote something like: There are some poor souls in suicide forums who should be pitied. The only thing that keeps them alive are suicide forums. Let's grant them that.
I think by that they meant that the option to die/being capable of going through with it gives some individuals the strength to continue living. In general the German publications I found on suicide forums where way more friendly towards them than what the international media wrote. In some ways I think that statement pretty much fits to my case but it is sad of being looked at in a pitiful way. I don't know.
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