SleeplessSoul
Student
- Apr 10, 2020
- 131
I don't even know where to start. I've just been such an idiot recently.
I have been certain for a while that I want to kill myself. I browsed here for a few months before signing up. Then I got onto a PhD and part of me saw this as a bit of hope that maybe I could have the life I've wanted. I keep swinging from really wanting to kill myself now and wanting to do the PhD. I thought I managed to mostly find a compromise: I'll do the PhD and after I've finished I'll kill myself. It sounds really silly and who knows maybe I won't want to kill myself by then (very unlikely as I've felt like this for over 10 years). Despite the compromise I'm constantly swinging towards wanting to ctb sometime in the next few months (year max).
Some context: I overdosed in February and since then my psychologist and I have been talking about me feeling suicidal. I've been making proper plans since then. Thursday I found SN online and bought it because I wanted to make sure I had it just in case. I panicked went to cancel it and started wondering if I wasn't sure I wanted to die, when I woke up in the morning I was a lot calmer and asked the seller not to cancel my order.
Here comes the series of stupid decisions:
A few weeks ago: I told my psychologist that I'd been going on a suicide forum. I didn't describe anything about it just that it was full of people that were really supportive and understood how I was feeling. I made it really clear that it was just a support forum and I've since found it she just thought it was a forum connected with one of the helplines
Two weeks ago: we were talking about how I would feel if I didn't get the PhD and I sort of hinted at being suicidal.
Last Tuesday: I told her that I was frustrated that I had got onto the PhD and that it's stopped me from being able to kill myself for 3 years and that I wished I hadn't gotten on it. We agreed for her to check in on me on Friday
Friday: I was a lot calmer and was excited that I'd found SN so that when I'm ready I'll have it. She rang and I told her that I'd found something online and that I wanted to buy it and I'd stopped myself. I didn't tell her what it was. I can't remember much else that we spoke about. We spoke a bit about the forum but I didn't really tell her much. I was trying to be reassuring and just saying stuff like oh I'll ask my friends to check in on me more often. She suggested it was to do with me having really high periods recently so the low ones feel even lower? I hate lying and I don't know maybe this is just proof that I'm not ready. I started panicking about the fact that I'd lied and that I'm stuck between desperately wanting to die and feeling guilty that I want to do it when I have good friends and the PhD I've always wanted. I flipped a coin to decide whether or not to phone the therapy service or not and it landed on heads (yes) so I did it. She rang me back and I told her EVERYTHING (that I'd bought it, what it was that I'd bought, that I've been looking at methods online, that all the methods I have now are a lot more certain and that I didn't want to cancel the order). We spoke for a bit and she was trying to work out the best way of getting rid of it when it arrived because she was worried that I would use it as much as I said I wasn't going to do anything because of coronavirus and that I'm excited for the PhD . I should have just agreed to cancel it, but I said yes that I would tell her when it arrived and let someone collect it.
Tl;dr I bought SN and panicked and told my psychologist about it
I know this looks like I'm very uncertain about what I'm doing and I guess that's true. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really want to keep the SN but I obviously can't and now I'm on edge because I'm just asking for trouble being so open to my psychologist about it. I'm tempted to just lie about cancelling it but I'm not sure how believable that is?
Any advice? I'm in the UK if that helps. She offered to refer me to the crisis team, but I said I didn't want it because I'm not about to harm myself so they'll just discharge me
I have been certain for a while that I want to kill myself. I browsed here for a few months before signing up. Then I got onto a PhD and part of me saw this as a bit of hope that maybe I could have the life I've wanted. I keep swinging from really wanting to kill myself now and wanting to do the PhD. I thought I managed to mostly find a compromise: I'll do the PhD and after I've finished I'll kill myself. It sounds really silly and who knows maybe I won't want to kill myself by then (very unlikely as I've felt like this for over 10 years). Despite the compromise I'm constantly swinging towards wanting to ctb sometime in the next few months (year max).
Some context: I overdosed in February and since then my psychologist and I have been talking about me feeling suicidal. I've been making proper plans since then. Thursday I found SN online and bought it because I wanted to make sure I had it just in case. I panicked went to cancel it and started wondering if I wasn't sure I wanted to die, when I woke up in the morning I was a lot calmer and asked the seller not to cancel my order.
Here comes the series of stupid decisions:
A few weeks ago: I told my psychologist that I'd been going on a suicide forum. I didn't describe anything about it just that it was full of people that were really supportive and understood how I was feeling. I made it really clear that it was just a support forum and I've since found it she just thought it was a forum connected with one of the helplines
Two weeks ago: we were talking about how I would feel if I didn't get the PhD and I sort of hinted at being suicidal.
Last Tuesday: I told her that I was frustrated that I had got onto the PhD and that it's stopped me from being able to kill myself for 3 years and that I wished I hadn't gotten on it. We agreed for her to check in on me on Friday
Friday: I was a lot calmer and was excited that I'd found SN so that when I'm ready I'll have it. She rang and I told her that I'd found something online and that I wanted to buy it and I'd stopped myself. I didn't tell her what it was. I can't remember much else that we spoke about. We spoke a bit about the forum but I didn't really tell her much. I was trying to be reassuring and just saying stuff like oh I'll ask my friends to check in on me more often. She suggested it was to do with me having really high periods recently so the low ones feel even lower? I hate lying and I don't know maybe this is just proof that I'm not ready. I started panicking about the fact that I'd lied and that I'm stuck between desperately wanting to die and feeling guilty that I want to do it when I have good friends and the PhD I've always wanted. I flipped a coin to decide whether or not to phone the therapy service or not and it landed on heads (yes) so I did it. She rang me back and I told her EVERYTHING (that I'd bought it, what it was that I'd bought, that I've been looking at methods online, that all the methods I have now are a lot more certain and that I didn't want to cancel the order). We spoke for a bit and she was trying to work out the best way of getting rid of it when it arrived because she was worried that I would use it as much as I said I wasn't going to do anything because of coronavirus and that I'm excited for the PhD . I should have just agreed to cancel it, but I said yes that I would tell her when it arrived and let someone collect it.
Tl;dr I bought SN and panicked and told my psychologist about it
I know this looks like I'm very uncertain about what I'm doing and I guess that's true. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really want to keep the SN but I obviously can't and now I'm on edge because I'm just asking for trouble being so open to my psychologist about it. I'm tempted to just lie about cancelling it but I'm not sure how believable that is?
Any advice? I'm in the UK if that helps. She offered to refer me to the crisis team, but I said I didn't want it because I'm not about to harm myself so they'll just discharge me
