And no, I also end up not "forgiving myself", because it's not something I have or have control over...
It was always the shit of an individual controlled by external agents, was it possible to change? maybe... but the past I can't change.
It turns out that things have only gotten worse from March 2021 until now... a strong wave of Covid 19 hit my community and my family with force... I lost loved ones and others were weakened. I also got contaminated etc (in my house there were a lot of high-risk people) ... But did I receive any support from the rest of the family? not! I received no support from anyone, everyone involved was spared... I on the other hand (as the only "healthy" adult in history) was the only one to blame, accused of negligence and various other baseless things... I was seen as that who brought the disease to the neighborhood (just because I was the young man in a house that had the first hospitalizations of the crisis). But that was just the beginning! it would be much worse, because in addition to dealing with mourning, which varied between March and July this year, I was held responsible for taking care of those who survived almost alone (everything became a reason for blackmail: "you are not taking care of your mother" or "you are being negligent again ").
NEVER, NEVER no one asked me if I was alright, if I was coping well with the losses... Fuck if I'm a bipolar facing an extremely adverse situation and very grieving (after all for most of them I was responsible for all the misfortune ).
I wonder who can live like this? A person who has no love for anyone, condemned to watch time pass and to be deceived and deceived as usual... Am I just an irresponsible villain, because I expect someone's understanding?
It only gets worse when people want to throw it in my face that I'm unemployed...they treat me like I'm less than them too. Funny that when I was in a relatively favorable position, where I could get some social prestige and my mind was more stabilized, they called me arrogant (and I still believed in them, and tried to change...)
People humiliate me and, worst of all, I would do anything to protect them because we don't choose who we love... but not being reciprocated, not empathizing and not being respected by those you love hurts a lot. I avoided CTB for a long time to spare them...
People have poison and this poison only causes pain!
I have bipolarity, possibly heart failure (due to preliminary exams) damage to covid 19 (right ventricle) ... but in the minds of many I wanted to get sick to kill those who lived with me. By the way, they don't even know about the problems I have, or they don't care...
It was always the shit of an individual controlled by external agents, was it possible to change? maybe... but the past I can't change.
It turns out that things have only gotten worse from March 2021 until now... a strong wave of Covid 19 hit my community and my family with force... I lost loved ones and others were weakened. I also got contaminated etc (in my house there were a lot of high-risk people) ... But did I receive any support from the rest of the family? not! I received no support from anyone, everyone involved was spared... I on the other hand (as the only "healthy" adult in history) was the only one to blame, accused of negligence and various other baseless things... I was seen as that who brought the disease to the neighborhood (just because I was the young man in a house that had the first hospitalizations of the crisis). But that was just the beginning! it would be much worse, because in addition to dealing with mourning, which varied between March and July this year, I was held responsible for taking care of those who survived almost alone (everything became a reason for blackmail: "you are not taking care of your mother" or "you are being negligent again ").
NEVER, NEVER no one asked me if I was alright, if I was coping well with the losses... Fuck if I'm a bipolar facing an extremely adverse situation and very grieving (after all for most of them I was responsible for all the misfortune ).
I wonder who can live like this? A person who has no love for anyone, condemned to watch time pass and to be deceived and deceived as usual... Am I just an irresponsible villain, because I expect someone's understanding?
It only gets worse when people want to throw it in my face that I'm unemployed...they treat me like I'm less than them too. Funny that when I was in a relatively favorable position, where I could get some social prestige and my mind was more stabilized, they called me arrogant (and I still believed in them, and tried to change...)
People humiliate me and, worst of all, I would do anything to protect them because we don't choose who we love... but not being reciprocated, not empathizing and not being respected by those you love hurts a lot. I avoided CTB for a long time to spare them...
People have poison and this poison only causes pain!
I have bipolarity, possibly heart failure (due to preliminary exams) damage to covid 19 (right ventricle) ... but in the minds of many I wanted to get sick to kill those who lived with me. By the way, they don't even know about the problems I have, or they don't care...
