guineapiglover8503
Emily
- Oct 7, 2024
- 155
As the title says, I have finished my note for when I CTB. right before I go, I will write personal letters to those who were good to me to the end and to thank them. Other than that, I'm finished <3
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guineapiglover8503
Emily
- Oct 7, 2024
- 155
I also cut myself today after holding myself back for 3 days. reunited with my box cutter at last
This pain that I and many others feel that is so great that it makes the only way out seem to be CTB is so hard to describe in terms of pain. Before I seriously considered this, I didn't understand it at all and it greatly confused me. Many people who haven't experienced this also don't know how to help, and end up doing things such as telling staff, police, or parents which make things just so much worse. This pain is so hard to get people to understand and I wish that it weren't as hard as it is, because it is so hard to find people to talk to about this who truly understand
Also, there are very few people to blame and I am not blaming them in my main note. I want this to comfort and give a sense of closing to those close to me and sort out what to do with my belongings and how I want my funeral to me. I also described what I am expecting my death to be like based off of the numerous reports on here and abroad. I also chose SN cuz I want my body to be intact and look somewhat normal for the funeral so people can see me if they wish. I also typed the note so I can share it easily and it can be copied easily, so I don't know how long it is compared to the average note. So in general for my note, it isn't out of hate or anything like that but just to be transparent about things. There are a few people in a group that I blame and I will record a video of me saying how much they hurt me and their contribution to my feelings so they at least know what they did to me. Other than that, no hard feelings towards anyone in particular
I wish others treated me as such. I really do try my best to help others but I have just been used for my helpfulness and it hurts. I have a friend who is the kindest person I have ever known and the world needs more people like them. Whenever I decide to order my SN, it will take a while so I will get time to reconsider. Fasting also won't be too difficult for me since my adderall is pretty good at suppressing my appetite. I am really trying to wait until things get better but if they don't, at least I have a way out. I have seen my fair share of kindness in my life but the cruelty and neglect greatly outweigh the kindness.
This pain that I and many others feel that is so great that it makes the only way out seem to be CTB is so hard to describe in terms of pain. Before I seriously considered this, I didn't understand it at all and it greatly confused me. Many people who haven't experienced this also don't know how to help, and end up doing things such as telling staff, police, or parents which make things just so much worse. This pain is so hard to get people to understand and I wish that it weren't as hard as it is, because it is so hard to find people to talk to about this who truly understand
Also, there are very few people to blame and I am not blaming them in my main note. I want this to comfort and give a sense of closing to those close to me and sort out what to do with my belongings and how I want my funeral to me. I also described what I am expecting my death to be like based off of the numerous reports on here and abroad. I also chose SN cuz I want my body to be intact and look somewhat normal for the funeral so people can see me if they wish. I also typed the note so I can share it easily and it can be copied easily, so I don't know how long it is compared to the average note. So in general for my note, it isn't out of hate or anything like that but just to be transparent about things. There are a few people in a group that I blame and I will record a video of me saying how much they hurt me and their contribution to my feelings so they at least know what they did to me. Other than that, no hard feelings towards anyone in particular
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