I felt desperate because I couldn't get my self to ctb So I tried to confine to my brother.

[Ineedtodie]

I did not talk about ctb or even hint, thinkin that's the idiotic thing to do. I told him how miserable and unbearable my life situation turned out to be and that things are spiraling to even horrible outcomes. How trapped I feel nd how I crossed the line to be able to swim my way back to safe grounds. how fucking lonely nd helpless I feel. How disconnected from my environment.
He is barely making ends meets himself, reminding me how cruel the world is nd that life is burden on everyone. "Take your anxiety meds, clean your room and hope for the best, you stay functional, something will come your way.

Well at least he listened, nd I felt some empathy. That's not what I was solely looking for but I guess whatever. I feel cursed.

 

[tyasma]

First of all, I'm glad you were able to confide in someone irl and not hear awful things back. Secondly, I heard something similar from a family member I confided in. Especially the

hope for the best, you stay functional, something will come your way.

part.

I don't know if it is true or not, I reckon most of us did try and stay functional for a while in our lives and it ended up in nothing, but it could maybe for some of us be a "way out", though it requires constant hope. Not sure I can do that myself instead of giving into my history of failure and despair but I hope you succeed somehow nevertheless (if that's what you want). Best of luck.

 

[Nirrend]

I did not talk about ctb or even hint, thinkin that's the idiotic thing to do. I told him how miserable and unbearable my life situation turned out to be and that things are spiraling to even horrible outcomes. How trapped I feel nd how I crossed the line to be able to swim my way back to safe grounds. how fucking lonely nd helpless I feel. How disconnected from my environment.
He is barely making ends meets himself, reminding me how cruel the world is nd that life is burden on everyone. "Take your anxiety meds, clean your room and hope for the best, you stay functional, something will come your way.

Well at least he listened, nd I felt some empathy. That's not what I was solely looking for but I guess whatever. I feel cursed.

Hi sweet @Ineedtodie

I'm sorry you're going through all this ❤

Indeed, there is nothing more awful than our suffering being partly understood and legitimised...

Very often, this kind of lack of consideration from others only reinforces the malaise and I imagine you feel condemned, definitely alone, misunderstood, maybe even denigrated... ❤

Unfortunately, it is only when people experience something complicated that they are able to imagine what that thing does for others

I imagine it's already very complicated to talk about this to your family members...❤

You have courage, I could never do it

Maybe you could talk to him again and clarify the things that he might not have understood? And say what you expected from him, and why you are suffering like this?

I know it's a very complicated thing to say but what do you think?

You have courage, don't be too hard on yourself sweet @Ineedtodie ❤

We love you and your pain is legitimate ❤

I hope from the bottom of my heart that things can get better for you ❤

Love ❤

 

[Huntfish34]

Damnt.. this got me.. I have an older brother which I've thought about confiding in for awhile but I keep pushing it off. Can't find the courage to bring it up. Most respect for you telling him, it's not an easy thing. Probably not quite what you wanted to hear but I'm sure he meant his best.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least it didn't make things much worse confiding in someone else, but I wouldn't recommend being open about actually wishing to ctb. It's certainly risky doing that as we live in a world where so many don't respect the right to die. But at least to me no amount of words could ever change anything, words are so empty and meaningless to me. There is no real relief from suffering in this life and I get that it can be awful feeling trapped in a horrific situation. It's the most unfair thing how this world denies us a peaceful right to die.

 

[Ineedtodie]

First of all, I'm glad you were able to confide in someone irl and not hear awful things back.

Thank you. Giving the magnitude of our situations. We are usually not taken seriously or marginalized, often scorned. so I appreciate for sure to have some one to even listen to this nightmare I' m living without regard to whether they acually help. Witnessing a dissmissive disdin tone is disheartening

I don't know if it is true or not, I reckon most of us did try and stay functional for a while in our lives and it ended up in nothing, but it could maybe for some of us be a "way out", though it requires constant hope. Not sure I can do that myself instead of giving into my history of failure and despair but I hope you succeed somehow nevertheless (if that's what you want). Best of luck.

Definitely, my long history of failure is a big deterrent for me, took away all traces of self estime I had. And hard to stay hopeful when all your attempts are met with rejection and alienation. Anyhow best of luck to you too.

 

[makethepainstop]

What I would give to have a brother! Having a mentally ill half sister sucks.At least someone cares about you. What I would give to have that.

 

[Ineedtodie]

Hi sweet @Ineedtodie

I'm sorry you're going through all this ❤

Thank you sweet @Nirrend. Your replies are always heartwarmin

Indeed, there is nothing more awful than our suffering being partly understood and legitimised...

Very often, this kind of lack of consideration from others only reinforces the malaise and I imagine you feel condemned, definitely alone, misunderstood, maybe even denigrated... ❤

Unfortunately, it is only when people experience something complicated that they are able to imagine what that thing does for others

That half empathy always confuses me and adds more to my lonliness nd make me feel somehow ashamed that I' m not trying or that I' m ungratful, an idiot for not figuring out things over nd over again, As if I' m not aware of how life can be cruel nd hard for everyone.

You have courage, I could never do it

I was desperate more than anything. Perhaps you had you share of half empathy yourself too that you gave up even considering

Maybe you could talk to him again and clarify the things that he might not have understood? And say what you expected from him, and why you are suffering like this?

I don't think he have the means to help me on tangible ways. He is the kind of person who likes to keep his life situation stable and can't afford to risk helping others in different ways. I' m very sure he gets my situations but shows reserve when it comes to important things that matters to me.

You have courage, don't be too hard on yourself sweet @Ineedtodie ❤

We love you and your pain is legitimate ❤

I hope from the bottom of my heart that things can get better for you ❤

Love ❤

Thank you again for your support and acknowledged. I can only wish you the best. You have a big heart

 

[Nirrend]

Thank you sweet @Nirrend. Your replies are always heartwarmin

That half empathy always confuses me and adds more to my lonliness nd make me feel somehow ashamed that I' m not trying or that I' m ungratful, an idiot for not figuring out things over nd over again, As if I' m not aware of how life can be cruel nd hard for everyone.

I was desperate more than anything. Perhaps you had you share of half empathy yourself too that you gave up even considering

I don't think he have the means to help me on tangible ways. He is the kind of person who likes to keep his life situation stable and can't afford to risk helping others in different ways. I' m very sure he gets my situations but shows reserve when it comes to important things that matters to me.

Thank you again for your support and acknowledged. I can only wish you the best. You have a big heart

I find you very harsh in the way you perceive yourself and your functioning... ❤

You are harsh but this behaviour does have an origin, perhaps it should be questioned?

"Why am I suffering like this?" "What do I really need today to make me feel better?" "What is it that makes me suffer in my relationships?" "Where does this loneliness come from?"

Questioning is important, suffering with half of the answers to our questions leads us into a never-ending spiral (to repeat what you said at the beginning).

I don't know your life and I don't want to say anything untrue about you but, "Maybe you have a lot of expectations about social relationships today?"

Your brother is nice in this case, I don't know him and I won't say things without knowing

But, maybe you do realize how things happen but maybe, even today, you hope to find someone who fulfills your expectations?

What do you think?

If it turns out that you recognize yourself in all this, maybe the origin can come in a lack of affection received when you were younger, the feeling of not having been supported enough in your life? ❤

I'm thinking maybe as siblings, you've held each other together in this life, because things haven't been kind to both of you

If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, this is not that easy to understand things when there's only pieces of story haha

I'm sorry you're suffering, I wish you from the bottom of my heart that your daily life will get better ❤

Love ❤

 

[Ineedtodie]

I find you very harsh in the way you perceive yourself and your functioning... ❤

You are harsh but this behaviour does have an origin, perhaps it should be questioned?

"Why am I suffering like this?" "What do I really need today to make me feel better?" "What is it that makes me suffer in my relationships?" "Where does this loneliness come from?"

Questioning is important, suffering with half of the answers to our questions leads us into a never-ending spiral (to repeat what you said at the beginning).

I don't know your life and I don't want to say anything untrue about you but, "Maybe you have a lot of expectations about social relationships today?"

Your brother is nice in this case, I don't know him and I won't say things without knowing

But, maybe you do realize how things happen but maybe, even today, you hope to find someone who fulfills your expectations?

What do you think?

Yes I' m very harsh in perceiveing myself. I suffered from Body dysmorphia starting from my late teen and it messed up my self estime and sens of self. Which caused me so much shame nd debilitated me for so long. Had also a speech impedement which added to my anxiety and shame and faculty to to express my self freely . But also suffered a lot of neglect in childhood, that made me fee unsafe all the time. it's really a long story that was unvalidated for countless times. Because once you develope a mental disorder, nobody took your world for granted. Even mental disorders are mainly defensive mecanism for high stress sustained in childhood.(at least I think so)
Though Thank you for asking those questions.
I don't have high expectations for social relationships. I know people can be helpless themselves or mainly focused on themselfs, their own needs and intrests. I recognize my lackings as well and inflexibility at this point but I do not appreciate unvalidation and obvious disregards of some aspects that would make anyone have a hard time in life , especially unvalidation from family, for instance I mentioned to my older sister the other day that I ' m having a surgery for my tongue that might improve my speech impediment. Her answer was" you have a speech impedement!, I never noticed"
Because why not recognize some facts, why I ' m having difficulties? or why I m in this position?, then it doesn't matter if they helped me or not, it's okay. But the lack of acknowledgemt make interraction with them so difficult and fake.
I don't hold any grudge against my brother, I' m not his responsibility of course.
Like I said I only confided out of desperation.

I hear somewhere the hidden message in a dysfonctional family is " everyone is on his own".
I think my family took it to an other level.

I feel like I m not explaining my self well.
But my mental illness is not as gripping as before I' m just suffering the consequences.

I appreciate your interest and don't mind your questions.

Sorry if I was too straight forward.
Thank you again and wish you the best

 

[Nirrend]

Yes I' m very harsh in perceiveing myself. I suffered from Body dysmorphia starting from my late teen and it messed up my self estime and sens of self. Which caused me so much shame nd debilitated me for so long. Had also a speech impedement which added to my anxiety and shame and faculty to to express my self freely . But also suffered a lot of neglect in childhood, that made me fee unsafe all the time. it's really a long story that was unvalidated for countless times. Because once you develope a mental disorder, nobody took your world for granted. Even mental disorders are mainly defensive mecanism for high stress sustained in childhood.(at least I think so)
Though Thank you for asking those questions.
I don't have high expectations for social relationships. I know people can be helpless themselves or mainly focused on themselfs, their own needs and intrests. I recognize my lackings as well and inflexibility at this point but I do not appreciate unvalidation and obvious disregards of some aspects that would make anyone have a hard time in life , especially unvalidation from family, for instance I mentioned to my older sister the other day that I ' m having a surgery for my tongue that might improve my speech impediment. Her answer was" you have a speech impedement!, I never noticed"
Because why not recognize some facts, why I ' m having difficulties? or why I m in this position?, then it doesn't matter if they helped me or not, it's okay. But the lack of acknowledgemt make interraction with them so difficult and fake.
I don't hold any grudge against my brother, I' m not his responsibility of course.
Like I said I only confided out of desperation.

I hear somewhere the hidden message in a dysfonctional family is " everyone is on his own".
I think my family took it to an other level.

I feel like I m not explaining my self well.
But my mental illness is not as gripping as before I' m just suffering the consequences.

I appreciate your interest and don't mind your questions.

Sorry if I was too straight forward.
Thank you again and wish you the best

I understand no worries, I understand perfectly the way you express yourself in writing to be honest ❤

Yeah I think I see where you're coming from about not having expectations of people

Everything you describe is terrible and I understand that you are suffering like that today

You weren't too direct or dry in your response, don't worry ❤

Then after all that's the game, I'm trying to make assumptions, but you're right to remind me too that I'm not necessarily telling the truth about all the elements of your lives!

If coming here makes you feel better, in the end, that's the most important thing ❤

I hope things can get better anyway ❤

Looking forward to running into you and talking to you again

Love ❤

 

[dustyfurcollector]

The two of you are so wholesome.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I understand no worries, I understand perfectly the way you express yourself in writing to be honest ❤

Yeah I think I see where you're coming from about not having expectations of people

Everything you describe is terrible and I understand that you are suffering like that today

You weren't too direct or dry in your response, don't worry ❤

Then after all that's the game, I'm trying to make assumptions, but you're right to remind me too that I'm not necessarily telling the truth about all the elements of your lives!

If coming here makes you feel better, in the end, that's the most important thing ❤

I hope things can get better anyway ❤

Looking forward to running into you and talking to you again

Love ❤

I actually appreciate the fact that you make assumptions and got a lot of them right. From how I percieve my self harshly(you have no idea I'm an embodiment of shame ), to the fact that things haven't been kind to my brother , neither to my sisters mainly because we shared the same indifferent neglectful father, Funny thing we are not that close he and I. He is 10 years older than me and our relationship is only based on the for mentioned aspect. He managed to save face due to his early academic success And I was stuck due to my genetic desposition for ..well being less successful in certain area and also dare to say was the youngest in the family so less attention to me naturally in a family environment already suffering attention deficit.
I' m not good at playing the game of assumptions but I dare to assume that if you're are not acknowledged for obvious basic needs(too basic) for whatever the reason, nd hving to deal with a forrm mental illness like BDD for instance which consume your mind for years, and is hard to treat. You are basicly left ungarded vulnerable for so long in an unforgiving crual world. Could you imagine the consequences even if you healed. Its overwhelming.

To be honest having a family like mine is mind blowing and confusing not because of luck of help or understanding but mainly for lack of basic acknowledgemt. It like you were never living with them on the first place for them notice anything.

I just need a sustainable job.
I don't think my relationships will improve due to my anxiety from communcating.
Thank you for this conversation