I feel worse after reaching out

[Marystevenson1001]

I almost did it today. I fasted and I started the antiemetics yesterday. But then when I felt really ready to do it, I ended up reaching out to my therapist instead because something inside of me wanted them to stop me.

Well they didn't. They exchanged a couple emails with me, said they weren't working and didn't respond after that.

I should have just done it but I have eaten now so I will wait til tommorow I guess. I feel humiliated after reaching out. I feel weak. Weak for not being able to do it, and weak for reaching out and asking for help.

So tired of the pain.

 

[fuckthis]

The last time I tried to reach out I told my mom about how I felt and tried to get checked out by a doctor. He said there was nothing wrong with me and that I just I had to take a walk in the park. My mom hasn't spoke about it since. Now someone in the family knows and I'm one step further back. We'll find peace one day.

 

[DeathBecomesMe]

I almost did it today. I fasted and I started the antiemetics yesterday. But then when I felt really ready to do it, I ended up reaching out to my therapist instead because something inside of me wanted them to stop me.

Well they didn't. They exchanged a couple emails with me, said they weren't working and didn't respond after that.

I should have just done it but I have eaten now so I will wait til tommorow I guess. I feel humiliated after reaching out. I feel weak. Weak for not being able to do it, and weak for reaching out and asking for help.

So tired of the pain.

Wow they sound like a total selfish piece of shit. Sorry to hear!

 

[zadig777]

its the hardest decision of ur life so..
the fear is just too much
if u have big enough motive u will do it
if u dont u will just theorise and talk and msybe or mb not u will do it in the future when the motive is good enough

 

[Marystevenson1001]

Wow they sound like a total selfish piece of shit. Sorry to hear!

I don't blame them. I mean, we all want our day off I suppose therapists should not be any different. They gave me the crisis line. I'm always paranoid because Crisis lines send cops.

 

[Ben]

These are not your weaknesses fighting agaisnt each other, they are your strengths fighting each other. Your strength to finally end your pain vs. Your strength to want to find a road to recovery.

It sucks that the crisis options are so feeble at their attempt of help. It's basically a middle man to get 911 called on you.

Fight for whatever side you feel is right friend, and I hope you figure out how to end your pain soon.

 

[Marystevenson1001]

These are not your weaknesses fighting agaisnt each other, they are your strengths fighting each other. Your strength to finally end your pain vs. Your strength to want to find a road to recovery.

It sucks that the crisis options are so feeble at their attempt of help. It's basically a middle man to get 911 called on you.

Fight for whatever side you feel is right friend, and I hope you figure out how to end your pain soon.

Your support is so greatly appreciated.

 

[Ben]

Your support is so greatly appreciated.

Anytime you need it

 

[DeathBecomesMe]

I don't blame them. I mean, we all want our day off I suppose therapists should not be any different. They gave me the crisis line. I'm always paranoid because Crisis lines send cops.

I guess so. It's their day off, versus your life.

Either they don't care that much, or they didn't take it seriously. It just seems dangerous to me though, because if I was a therapist and my patient/client reached out to me, I wouldn't be able to say "oh I don't believe Mary could do that". My conscience wouldn't let me sit idle and do nothing. Even if just to talk a bit and make sure the person reaching out wasn't going to do it. For many, that could be just the motivation to ctb, if you feel you are not being taken seriously when you are in such a desperate spot.

Don't feel that you need to rush it though and definitely don't let their lack of concern bother you. Im just saying in general, because it actually looks like it didn't bother you that much. You could have taken it the wrong way and didn't. I'm glad to see your positive reasoning, and that you didn't pressure yourself into going through with it. Well done!

 

[Marystevenson1001]

You know how they call it an invisible illness. I am an otherwise educated, strong person who has accomplished a lot. I really think perhaps they thought I probably wouldn't. I think that's what most people would say. It's so close. I feel like I really can't keep myself from doing it much longer.

 

[Smilla]

Mary,

Sorry this happened to you. I am in awe that your therapist gave you the crisis number without offering to speak to you on the phone—this seems tremendously cold and heartless but perhaps they had their reasons, which you can ask them about next session.

I'm soured on the whole idea of therapy, especially the modalities that emphasize the "relationship".

Anyway, the fact that you reached out means, to me, that you still need some time to decide what is best for you. Don't rush into this decision, especially on the heels of your therapists insensitive behavior.

 

[Deutschv2]

Yeah, and especialy if you get sectioned in some shithole mental hospital. How the fuck is locking me up for a week with no rights going to make me any better? Wtf?

 

[Marystevenson1001]

Yeah, and especialy if you get sectioned in some shithole mental hospital. How the fuck is locking me up for a week with no rights going to make me any better? Wtf?

Yeah I feel kinda paranoid about that right now. Should not have reached out. Should have come here and talked to one of you.

 

[Deutschv2]

Yeah I feel kinda paranoid about that right now. Should not have reached out. Should have come here and talked to one of you.

don't regret it, we all learn from our mistakes. atleast now you know not to trust the state with your rights in this situation

 

[DeletedUser4739]

The last time I tried to reach out I told my mom about how I felt and tried to get checked out by a doctor. He said there was nothing wrong with me and that I just I had to take a walk in the park. My mom hasn't spoke about it since. Now someone in the family knows and I'm one step further back. We'll find peace one day.

I have zero compassion for mothers who make no effort to understand what afflicts their child(ren). My Mom blames the doctors for my problems, and then when I act out, she tells me to call those very same doctors for help. Fuck that. So glad I never had kids to fuck up. I think I did well with the dogs and cats I've had over the years though.

 

[DeletedUser4739]

I don't blame them. I mean, we all want our day off I suppose therapists should not be any different. They gave me the crisis line. I'm always paranoid because Crisis lines send cops.

I've found crisis lines to be absolutely useless. The crisis centers are more traumatizing that the things that have caused all my illness. I were mental illnesses were treated like bodily illnesses...after all, isn't the brain a part of the body?!

 

[Maravillosa]

I've found crisis lines to be absolutely useless. The crisis centers are more traumatizing that the things that have caused all my illness. I were mental illnesses were treated like bodily illnesses...after all, isn't the brain a part of the body?!

I found that emailing the Samaritans once a day for two weeks this past August while I was in crisis helped me a lot. Of course, the Samaritans are in the UK and I am in the US, so they would not contact my local authorities. But yes, one does not have to live in the UK to email the Samaritans.

 

[DeletedUser4739]

I found that emailing the Samaritans once a day for two weeks this past August while I was in crisis helped me a lot. Of course, the Samaritans are in the UK and I am in the US, so they would not contact my local authorities. But yes, one does not have to live in the UK to email the Samaritans.

That's good to know. Were you clear with them about being suicidal and having plans? That seems to be the threshold in the US sometimes.

 

[Maravillosa]

That's good to know. Were you clear with them about being suicidal and having plans? That seems to be the threshold in the US sometimes.

Yes, I was clear about being suicidal. In my emails, I told the Samaritans of my very elaborate visions of hanging myself, dying and being laid to rest. I also told them that I wanted to wait to ctb till after my mother's death, but felt like I had to do it right away -- which I did not want to do.

 

[DeletedUser4739]

Yes, I was clear about being suicidal. In my emails, I told the Samaritans of my very elaborate visions of hanging myself, dying and being laid to rest. I also told them that I wanted to wait to ctb till after my mother's death, but felt like I had to do it right away -- which I did not want to do.

Wow! That's amazing! I'm trying to wait until after my father passes as my Mom and I are the only ones taking care of him. He's 84 with dementia, Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. Is this the group you emailed? https://www.samaritans.org/

 

[Maravillosa]

Wow! That's amazing! I'm trying to wait until after my father passes as my Mom and I are the only ones taking care of him. He's 84 with dementia, Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. Is this the group you emailed? https://www.samaritans.org/

Yes, that is the correct website. My mother is 78 (79 in December) and bedridden after several falls that left her with a hairline fracture in her spine. Surgery did not help much. She cannot walk or stand, and can barely sit for a couple of minutes at a time. I also suspect that she is in the early stages of dementia since she is forgetful of things my brother and I have told her barely an hour or two before, but am unsure.

 

[DeletedUser4739]

Yes, that is the correct website. My mother is 78 (79 in December) and bedridden after several falls that left her with a hairline fracture in her spine. Surgery did not help much. She cannot walk or stand, and can barely sit for a couple of minutes at a time. I also suspect that she is in the early stages of dementia since she is forgetful of things my brother and I have told her barely an hour or two before, but am unsure.

Oh dear, I'm sorry about your Mom. I've found forgetting is oftentimes how dementia starts. My Mom is 76 and is showing more signs of it every day. She doesn't trust doctors or medicine, so it's unlikely she'll ever even try to get treatment. So I listen to her say the same things everyday and try to explain the same things to her everyday. It's frustrating for both of us. I'm disabled and she works part-time. She swears that since she can still work, there's nothing wrong with her. I wish it were that simple.